I Don't Know How

I don't know how to get you to understand what I need.
Even when I tell you, it's like you don't hear me.
Just when I think you might understand
I figure out you really didn't.

It hurts that you didn't miss me while we were apart.
If you did, you never bothered to mention it.
It hurts that you didn't look forward to seeing me after being gone
If you did, you never bother to tell me.
It hurts that you didn't have any sexual desire for me when we came home.
If you did, you certainly haven't shown it.

I don't know how to keep giving and live with not getting back from you what I need
I don't know how to tell you what I need anymore.
I don't know how to show you what I need anymore.

I want to be wanted.
I want to be missed.
I want to be desired.
I want to be loved without asking.

I've given all of those things and more.

and I don't know how to give anymore.....

Lifes Seasons

Winter came much earlier than anticipated.  It was a deep cold.  Penetrating, and unbareable the colder it became.  Some days, there seemed to be warmth, but that was only when a log was placed on the fire or a blanket was wrapped around.  The cold was held out by a barrier, but the winter itself still remained.

Then a hint of spring.  Some color in the sky.  Flowers that try to bloom.  But winter has not given in yet an again the cold came through.  The tiny petals that had burst into color were killed off.  The clouds covered the spotty rays of sun, and the blanket came out again.

After months which seemed like years, summer finally came.  The blue of the sky, the smell of the breeze, all the wonderful feelings of sweet sunshine on my skin.  Focusing on the sun, wanting it never to go away, I do all I can to make it want to stay.  To make it feel this is the only planet that can matter. There is no place for winter here.  There is no need for clouds or rain or freezing.

But fall has hit.  I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t.  The leaves started changing fast and without notice.  It seemed too soon.  I knew it couldn’t last.  The promise of summer is just that, a promise.  Promises are something I don’t put much faith in.  Nothing to hold summer here, nothing to say the spring or fall or even winter won’t return and be deeper, colder, darker than it was before.

I feel the cold returning.  I’ve pulled out my blanket and it covers and protects me.

Until summer returns.

The Brightness of Today

I'm going on the second week of happy.

No, there are no drugs.

Some things have changed, for the better.  Other things, still remain the same, and I really don't see them changing any time soon.  The most important part of all this is that I am finding a way to wrap my mind around it so that it isn't tearing me up inside.

No, we are not friends, I doubt that will ever be, but I am being tolerant.  As long as everyone minds their manners and understand I will not be walked on, I think everything will be fine.  If that is "Intimidating", then so be it.  I will not run from that word any longer.

I am enjoying the limited time I do get to spend with my husband.  We are spending more and more quality in our time together, less tension.  We still don't talk like we used to about our lives (I miss that), but at least it doesn't feel (to me) like there is a huge elephant in the room.  I love him dearly and I hope as time goes on, the desires will return.

I am enjoying riding my horse.  I absolutely LOVE riding my horse.  Tristan is my solid foundation.  I'm finding that a 30 minute ride in the arena is as therapeutic for me as a 5 hour ride around the lake.  I enjoy him so much.  I want to learn to drive the horse trailer so I can go ride by myself and not rely on someone to take me.  Hell, maybe I should start by just learning to load and unload my own horse...ya think?

I am back in touch with people again.  Friends of all sorts who have been on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back.  I like the excitement I feel from them.  The support they have given me.  New friends, new play partners, new worlds I've never even considered touching before, all are on my horizon.

The sun seems to be rising, the warmth is hitting my skin.

I'm working on being whole, again.

Both Sides

Recently, a Submissive posted on a public site regarding her Doms "Insecure Spouse".

It could have gone unnoticed, had she not signed it with the same signature she uses in her Fetlife postings.

The wife she refers to, wouldn't have noticed it either, had it not been for other submissives who go to the same website. Friends of the wife, and actually, a couple of people who have contacted her since, noticed the post and asked if she had seen it.

Obviously, now she has...

So there are 3 sides to every story. In this case, the submissive/girlfriend, the (insecure)wife, and the Truth.

Perception is part of the truth, we all must keep that in mind when going on the attack.

Here is the submissives public post (italicized will be the Insecure wife comments).

When I first met my Dom, his wife was very supportive of our relationship, enjoyed watching it grow and blossom.
(very true. His wife wanted him to have this experience. She wanted him to have the connection and feeling of having a submissive in his life. She hoped this would be an attribute to the marriage they already shared.)
She has been in the lifestyle longer than any of us and was very willing to offer advice to help me deal with my husbands new long distance polyamorous relationship with his girlfirend. She encouraged me to let him go see her in her home state, to let him love her and her love him etc.
(again, very true. The couple had already entered into their poly relationship and were asking for advice and wanted to know what rules and boundaries others had set who seemed happy, respectful, and committed to each other.)
But now that her husband ( my dom) has said he Loves me, her whole attitude has changed.
(Important to note, the wife was having conversations with the husband regarding broken agreements and rules long before the "I love you" words were spoken. Additionally, it was not the "I love you" that was a problem, it was the fact that he had agreed to discuss with his wife any deeper feelings before announcing them to the submissive.)
She isnt able to deal with it.
(Another incorrect statement. The wife is not concerned, nor affected by her husband loving another).
She has gone from being a “friend”, to being very cold , rude and down right mean to me at times.
(No "friendship" had yet been established between the wife and the submissive. Ironically, the wife had kept a safe distance from the submissive regarding "friendship" just so that the boundaries stayed clear. The wife also made sure the submissive knew the boundaries of their relationship from the beginning, in very clear words, in very clear conversations. The cold, yes, as time progressed and the wife was presented into situations where she felt no longer connected to her husband, the submissive did not get the same warm welcome. Rude or Mean? The wife would certainly like clear instances of when those treatments would have taken place.)
She has put on a “happy face” for his sake at times and in the beginning she at least pretended to welcome me into their home.
(In the beginning, the wife was very welcoming to the submissive. Purchasing special towels and personal items for the submissive to use while preparing herself in their home so that she would not feel like just any other "guest". At a specific point in time, the husband had told the wife that he could not make his relationship with his submissive work unless the wife acted more warmly towards the submissive. So yes, the “happy face” was for him, something he requested. At any point the submissive felt welcomed into the couples home, she truly was welcome, at that point in time. When she was no longer welcomed by the wife, there was no pretending that she was.)
(She has put very strict time limits on how long we can see each other, she has gone from rarely doing anything with him ( his words) to now not wanting to be apart from him.
(The wife asked her husband to be home by 2am instead of 3am or 4am on weeknights because she would like to have him in her bed for at least some closeness prior to him getting up at 5am and leaving for work. It is important to know that the wife would not have seen her husband since 5am that morning, so almost an entire 24 hours would have gone by before she saw him again, only to have him get up and leave for work within a couple of hours. The Dom and his submissive are allowed to stay out till 4am on weekends. At the time the submissives post was made, the husband had NO time limitations as the wife had decided she would let him go and hope he would make the right decisions for their marriage.)
(...additionally spending more time together was something the husband and wife had been trying to do prior to the submissive entering into their lives. The husband had requested the wife "want" to spend more time with him and he in return, was showing her he “wanted” to spend time with her as well, which was different than in the past. The husband has asked if it was relayed that he was enjoying and really liked his wife wanting to spend so much time with him now. Interestingly enough, the submissive did not post that piece of information here.)
She is a very Strong personality ( she is a top) and the first woman I have ever been intimidated by.
(The wife has always been very straight forward and clear to the submissive from the very beginning about her place in the heirarchy of the relationship.) 

 I have told her I have no intentions of coming between the two of them and she made it very clear that I do not have that power, so why is she so insecure?
(The wife is not insecure about the submissive. The wife is sad and heartbroken that her husband has shown such little respect, remorse, or thought in how his actions have affected his wife, her feelings, or her trust, as it was perceived that he did not care.)
(The wife has told the submissive multiple times to stay out of what is going on in the marriage as it is between the wife and the husband to work out their communication problems. The submissive has continuously used her knowledge of the problems between the husband and wife to put herself in a position of confidant and now knows "the right things to say" to manipulate her own agenda no matter what the effect on the Dom or his relationship with his wife, something that is not acceptable in the swinging or poly world).
my dom has asked me to let him worry about her and I just take care of my relationship with him.
(a very good idea in a perfect world. Still, is it ok to ignore what you know is happening just for your own happiness?)
I am trying to do that, but I feel like he is caught in the middle of two women that he loves and I dont like it.
(If the submissive was truly worried about how "in the middle he was", she would respectfully take a stand and step back to let the husband work out his marriage with his wife. Instead, she continually requests more time and more dates, more texts, more phone calls. The husband in return, gives her what she wants (not saying he doesn’t want that too and does request more contact), and/or "needs", which leaves his wife wanting and needing the same, but not getting her needs met.)
I try really hard to not say anything to him about her in a negative way.
(the submissive may not outright say negative things about the wife, but the words she uses places the wife in a negative light that is already a problem area for the couple. The husband, does not stand up for the wife in these instances. Instead, he allows the submissive to state how she feels and allows the wife to be perceived as “the problem” and therefore "making it hard for them".)
Now starting on the 18th I will be seeing them in a vanilla setting twice a week. the last time we were in that situation she wouldnt even speak to me or look at me if she did say something when I asked her a question
(could it be, that the wife, may have been attempting to not be a bitch to the submissive at a time when things were very bad between the wife and the husband? Could it be possible, that the submissive was asking questions of the wife that she would not like the answer to? And how did the submissive responde? By making sure the husband knew that she had cried all the way home.  Which made the tension between husband and wife even more strained)
this time there is a chance we could end up being partners at this vanilla event..I am concerned about how she is going to be.  I understand her insecurities with her husband loving me,
(The submissive has no idea what the wifes “insecurities” are as the wife has never told her of the way she perceives she is being treated by the husband. The wife has not told the submissive that she does not get sex on a basis of him wanting or desiring her, because his time spent with the submissive wipes him out and he wants to sleep all the next day. The wife has not told the submissive of how the husband jumps to the submissives defense everytime they try to talk about the situation and the wife feels like the outsider. The submissive knows nothing about what truly is taking place in the marriage of the husband and wife and therefore, cannot possibly know what the wife is feeling.) I too was facing those same feelings with my husbands love for his girlfriend,
(the submissive is NOT having the same feelings as the wife in this situation as it is not about the husband loving the submissive. It is about broken agreements, poor communication, and trust issues). but I don’t feel that justifies her behavior, I would never treat a person the way she has treated me or do the things she has done to irritate me ( I cant prove they were done on purpose but sure seems that way) She wants no contact from me or with me at this time, she has deleted me as a friend on another lifestyle community, she has asked that I not sendher any more ” have a good day” text messages ( which by the way she used to send me too)
(the wife sent the submissive the “have a good day” messages in response the husband wanting the wife to “be nice” to the submissive so that his relationship would work out.)
, she is no longer at the house when I get there ( which is fine she barely acknowledged me being there).
(The wife and husband agreed that since the submissive felt uncomfortable with the wife there, and the wife was not comfortable with the submissive in her home, that it would be better if the wife was not in the apartment when the submissive was there getting ready for a date with the husband. Additionally, it is the wifes perception, that one time she was there (with a headache) and stayed in the bedroom, that the submissive sounded disappointed that the wife was in her home at that time as that meant the submissive and the husband could not play there.)
She changed her status from “open relationship to ” married” a lot of little things
(the wifes status was always “married” as well as “in an open relationship”. The wife dropped “in an open relationship” status when she realized she was no longer in an open relationship. The wife believed that an open relationship included open communication, respect, and trust in each other and that is clearly what was not taking place) The submissives hurt feeling over the wife changing her own status caused even more conflict between the husband and wife.)
To me it feels like she is trying to make me disappear and not have to deal with her feelings, according to my Dom, she is still talking to him about the relationship, and her shutting me out is her way of dealing with it.
(“dealing” with the relationship, such a simple explanation for an even larger problem. Yes, the wife feels that she would like to have the submissive removed from her marriage. The submissive has added nothing positive to the marriage. The wife continues to talk to the husband in an attempt to open communication again and keep the marriage in tact.)
My Dom says he has no intentions of changing anything with me, he loves me and wants me in his life, but she is his wife, she will always come first. But in her words,, he doesnt love easily so if he says he loves you,, he loves you ( I am only the third person EVER he has loved and he met his wife at 14), so I am trusting him with my heart. Not an easy thing for me to do in a normal situation even more dificult now with his wife acting this way.
(the wife does understand opening the heart to another. But the wife also understands and has experience in other relationships to know what is right and what is wrong and what responsibility the secondary plays in those relationships. The submissive nor the husband have been acting appropriately in this “D/s” relationship. The relationship and the actions of both Dominant and submissive are far more boyfriend/girlfriend with a D/s flavor. At the time of this post, neither has a mentor of any kind (the submissive recently requested a mentor), the Dominant does not.)
I think I am venting more than anything here, I have no other outlet as I cant post anything on the other lifestyle community as she will see it or her friends would and it would get back to her some how..
(the wifes friends are also submissives, and post to the same site. The submissive signed her post with the same signage she uses for the “lifestyle community (Fetlife), and so it was obvious who wrote it).
I dont want to upset her and makes things worse for him.
(This is an offensive statement. The husband is not being abused by the wife wanting her needs met.)
I am just going to keep being myself, I am who I am, I mean her or their relationship no harm. I just want to be his sub, to love him and to be his friend. 

(the wife would have been perfectly happy with the submissive “just being his sub”. The wife would have been perfectly happy that the submissive “love him”. The wife would be perfectly happy that the submissive be “his friend”. )

Behind the Rocks

I work at being whole.  I work hard at it.  I try so hard to maintain control of my thoughts, my feelings, my actions.  I have always taken the responsibility for who I am and what I become.   The decisions I make are of my own doing.  I do however, make decisions based on the fact that I am empathetic to others.  I feel the pain they feel, either physical or mental.  I sense more than most others, and I have been learning to read and acknowledge what I have always known I had the ability to do.  That is how I know.  I am no angel, if you piss me off, I will use those emotions against you.

As my life choices wrap around themselves, I'm finding more and more the need to connect and embrace what I know I can do.  The flows of energy have been chaotic at the least.  I'm presenting newer vibrant energies into my life, but I am cautious about how much of the energy I use and absorb, circulate.  At the same time, my own energy field is changing and I welcome that change and hope that it will help the chaos effect that currently exists.

In working on that field, I saw something.  A lake, a tranquil lake with glass like qualities.  Clear, perfect, calm, smooth.  Next to the lake, were boulders, large, round rocks, no sharp corners, no edges, perfectly complementing the shape and the surface of the beautiful lake in front of me.  A I looked at the lake, I felt calm, knowing what I know, it didn't bother me, there were no negative feelings in my heart, no negative thoughts in my head, other than tranquility and happiness, my mind was silent.

Then, without warning, something stepped out from behind a rock.  It was dark, walked on 2 legs, it had scales, it had a hard surface, huge bulging eyes, and it was ugly.  It presented itself as "soul mate".  Knowing that the word had not crossed my mind for either of them, I suddenly understood what was happening, and acknowledged it was there.  Then I banished the monster that had come out from behind the rock, and "poof", it was gone.

During the night, more creatures crept, or at least tried to creep from behind the rocks.  Each was met with a yellow banner and dismissed.  Now that I recognize them, I can rule the creatures, not have them rule me.

On that same note, I have given myself permission to flex the "primary muscle".  I know, that sounds strange, but what has been pointed out to me is that I have been so intent on making others happy and giving them what they want and what I perceive they need, that I have neglected what actually makes me happy and I need to focus on that more.

For example...in a situation at a common vanilla setting with our horses, we share time with with his submissive.  During that time, a few things took place which, normally, I deal with and then get to share my frustrations with him.  In these circumstances, because my frustration is with someone close to him, I didn't feel like I could tell him what was bothering me without giving him the feeling I was being petty and just didn't like it because it was her.  Not the case (in most of the situations).


People who feel the need to interject:  This annoys the hell out of me.  I was asked to assist by collecting dues and paperwork.  This includes answering questions and introductions as much as possible.  Pretty much, making them feel welcomed.  I've done this before, and I'm good at it.  I'm personable, I smile, and I genuinely am an inviting person.  As I'm collecting funds from one individual, she asked what the funds covered in specifics and how much she could participate.  As I opened my mouth to answer, the submissive sitting on the other side of my horse chimes in over me and starts to answer.  Because I do not wish to embarrass people, I simply closed my mouth and let her explain what she wanted and when she was done, I continued on with the rest of the information.  This would annoy me with ANYONE.  But in the past, I have gotten to share this with my husband and he would acknowledge my frustration, we would laugh and it would be over.  This has stuck with me until now because, well, how can I share that with him with out him getting defensive.


Another frustration.....I am very conscious of my husbands horse business.  I am so proud of him and how wonderful and talented he is with horses.  I'm envious at times.  When he is training, giving lessons, or working his horse, I leave him alone, I don't interrupt him unless I absolutely have to, I respect the professionalism he shows to his clients and the time they are paying him for, as well as his own time invested in his horse.  So when it came to the question "what time is it"...I asked a couple of people sitting near me, and they didn't have watches or cell phones.  The submissive (who should have been paying more attention to the cows she was chasing rather than what I was doing), thought we should ask my husband.  I smiled and said, no, thats ok, and moved on to some people standing to the side and watching the sorting.  I did not want to ask my husband as he was out in the far part of the arena working on his horse.  He gets to have that time.  I respect that.  I let him have his time.  As I rode over to ask the time, I hear the submissive yell across the arena "HEY (insert husbands name here), WHAT TIME IS IT?"...I was annoyed and she was on my last nerve...I had told her no and still, she felt the need to make herself known familiar to him as well as override me.....had it been anyone else, I probably would not have cared, but then again, anyone else would have not gone ahead with the call had I told them not to.

Then there was what I refer to as the "cock block"...this is where the submissive rides up so close to my husband and sits so close, that I cannot get my rightful place near him.  Intentional or unintentional, this will not be allowed again.  I will make my presence known, I will put myself in my rightful place next to my husband, and I will start asserting myself as his Primary partner, no matter who it makes feel uncomfortable.

Close to the Final Farewell

The weeks have turned into months.  The pain is more excruciating than I could have possibly imagined.  I never thought I would ever find myself in the position I am in.  But I did make a choice.  I did make a choice to enter into something that had risk.  This is why I don't gamble.  I suck at it.

Just now, starting new things, trying to fix was has been broken for so long, and every corner, seems to bring around another near head on collision.  I can't say what I feel any longer.....actually, I can say what I feel, but it just causes more defenses...  I can't write what I feel...this too, is incorrect, I can write, but then it's upsetting and again, more defenses.  Limitations are all around me.  Don't hurt those that present themselves as weak.  Because obviously, I need no protection.  Nothing hurts me.  I am made of stone.  Of steel.  I have no heart that breaks... Yea, me, it really doesn't feel like it matters at all.  When it should.  And other times, It feels like I'm the only one who matters.  But that's only when I say it.

So the serious consideration to say goodbye to the choice.  Give up what I want in order to salvage what might possibly still exist.  That means everything.  The Fetlife, the phone sex, the play partners.  Go back to the monogomous vanilla life where you exist daily and bury what is within you.  At least then, I will know what is around the corner.....

How did I reach this turning point?  A simple, beautiful sunset.  Something so magical, so fulfilling, and yet, within seconds, after watching the glorious energy leave my sight, life turned a corner, and what happened next... that cannot be undone.

My Friday

Today is Wednesday for some, but Friday for me.  Why so early?  Because I want to rest and prepare for the wonderful weekend ahead.  So I am taking Thursday off.

It's the 4th of July weekend.  A time to celebrate our Independence.  A time to remember why we are free to do what we do and say what we think.  As our children are grown and away at college, we do not purchase mass quantities of fireworks any longer.  In past years, we have grown to celebrate the 4th by attending the St. Paul Rodeo, and watching a spectacular fireworks show afterwards.  The one song that will always make me cry.  Our National Anthem.

This 4th of July, we are breaking tradition.  On Friday, we are heading back to CornCob Ranch.  We have been working on the details of our living quarters in our horse trailer since Memorial Day.  Our Sanctuary we call it.  The water tank has been installed, the shelving, the large compartment that doubles as a bench and step to climb into the queen size pillow top mattress that so spoils us from ever ground camping again.

4 days of just us, riding our horses through the herds of cattle, across the rolling green hills, along the tree lines.  Finding places to stop, look, and listen to the beauty that surrounds us.  Just us.

We are taking the camera.  I'm hoping to find locations for some erotic outdoor shots.  Beautiful nature shots.  maybe even shots of us together.  We don't have enough of those.

Sunshine is in the forecast.  Warm weather, with open skies.  Oh to lie out on a blanket, naked, letting the rays dance across our skin.  Maybe find a creek or lake to cool off, splash and tease, to find that playfulness married couples sometimes forget they had.

And the nights.  The sweet and sensuous nights of love making.  That time for us to reconnect in our dreams.  It's been too long.

I've am looking forward to each and every day.

Floating On The Extreme Right Wing Of Caution

I'm stepping out onto the ledge of life once again.  All the experiences that lie ahead.  Passion, Tranquility, Spirituality, and Drama (God please no more drama).   It all awaits me.

What I cannot undo is the memories of the past few months.  Those memories, those feelings and realities, all are playing a role in how I address prospective relationships as well as current ones.

In the beginning of my swinging, when I used to focus mainly on couples, I had a specific rules of how I engaged in play. No matter what, the primary (wife) was always put in a position where she knew who I was and what I was about.  I was always very careful in that role as the 3rd person.  I knew I was the one invited in.  I was an outsider.  I was expendable.  I knew it, and I accepted it.  It is how it is done.  It is the right way to do it.

Sure, there were offers made.  But what I always made sure of, through my actions more than words, was that I was devoted to being a positive addition to their union or I was not going to be there at all.  I paid attention to the signs.  If I had the slightest idea that there was any problem, whether it be them or me, I would back off or drop completely out!  I did so on more than 1 occasion.  There was something not right for them.  I saw it and took enough responsibility to remove myself from the situation.  And so I thought, others would do the same.

The hard lesson learned..  Not everyone thinks on the same level of common sense and respect that I do.  I'm not saying I don't make mistakes, but I usually don't keep making the same mistakes.  I mean, how often can a "mistake" actually happen before it is recognized as a purposeful action.  A Pattern.

So now, as I step out and look down into this huge cavern of darkness, I have that knowledge, I'm watching closer at my own actions.  Probably reading more into a situation than I should, being more weary of what my attentions might cause, how they are interpreted.

I'm cautious.  I'm overly cautious.  I'm obsessively overly cautious.

I'm engaging at the moment, an idea, a prospect for further attention.  But am I on the edge of caution so far that I will be too cautious, give the feeling I am not interested or ambiguous to extending it further?  It weighs heavy on my mind.  Giving what is needed or desired, but holding back too much in order to keep from putting anyone else through what I have experienced.

I do know, if nothing else, I can do the right thing.

The Sanctuary

It's a place where we go to get away from it all.

A special place where he and I collaborate on something that is special to just us.  Where should this go, how should that work, what will this look like.

We have spent a lot of time there this summer already.  Preparing for upcoming journeys into the mountains or down to the beach.  Short excursions to events or trail rides.

When we are alone together, inside, the sound of rain is soothing.  The warmth of our bodies snuggled up under the fleece blankets and over abundance of pillows decorated in equestrian prints.  We are affectionate in this place.  We laugh.  We listen.  We love.

We share just about everything in our lives with others right now.

We share our time with others.
We share our bed with others.
We share our bodies with others.
We share our hearts with others.

This one place, I need to be ours.  Only ours.

It is our Sanctuary.

A Perfect First View

Her instructions to him.....

 

Tomorrow is going to be very special.  For both of us.  You are giving me a precious gift by selecting me out of all the women out there to play with.  I am honored and I want to make sure the experience is one you will remember with fondness and smile.

 

 A room has already been reserved. 

 

Please bring the following items with you.

1.  scented or unscented candles.  Small ones are fine.  Bring something to light them with.

2.  water.  we will be thirsty I am sure. 

3.  fruit.  A small amount of grapes or a couple of oranges.  A sugar.

4.  you will go to one of the bath shops at the local mall and purchase a bubble bath.  You choose the scent.

5.  you will also select a sponge or gloves which you will use to wash me with.

 

Arrive at the hotel at 4:00pm.

Text me when you arrive.

A key will be at the front desk waiting for you.

Ask the clerk for 4 additional towels.

Text me when you get into the room.

 

I should leave work by 5:00, but it could be later.

I may go home and get ready or I may come straight from work.

I will text you when I'm on my way, so be ready for me.

Depending upon the weather, there is a fireplace in the room and it should be on when I arrive.

The fruit will be nicely displayed on a plate on the bedside table.

2 waters will be next to the jacuzzi.  The other waters will be in the fridge.

The candles should be lit, the lights should be off, the curtains should be closed.

My bath will already be drawn and the bubbles will be fresh.  The gloves or sponge will be at the side of the tub, the towels close by.

 

I will text you when I arrive.  At that time, you will undress and sit on the side of the bed facing the window.  Your back to the door.

 

Your eyes will be closed and your hands in your lap when I walk in.  Do not look open your eyes, or attempt to look at me until i tell you to.

 

I will give you further instructions as to how you please me at that time.

 

If any of this is not clear then you need to communicate that to me prior to 4pm...

She slid the pass key into the door, listening for the click of the lock.  Entering the dark room, the scent of lavender filled the air.  She could see the fireplace flickering in the corner, the candles that had been placed upon the side of the jacuzzi.

She quietly shut the door behind her.  There was silence in the room.  She walked past the tub, noticing the soft white bubbles that lay across the top of the warm bath water, already drawn for her.  He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head down, his naked back illuminated against the candlelight, his black cowboy hat rested on his head, and his hands were folded in his lap.  He remained silent.

The clothing began to fall from her body.  She wanted him to hear every sound, so she made a point of slow methodical movements. The unbuckling of her belt, the sound of a zipper, each article of clothing making a sound as it hit the floor.  And she stood naked.  Listening.  She could feel his heart pound from across the room.

She looked around, noticing how perfect the room looked.  A tray of plump green grapes, two large round oranges, a perfectly shaped banana, and her favorite... giant sized strawberries, deep red, ripe, and juicy.  2 waters sat upon the side of the tub.  Something small tied in a ribbon was there.  She was proud of him.  He had done well.

She whispered to him to sit still and stay silent.  She told him how perfect the room looked, and how proud she was of the tasks he had accomplished.

He could feel her on the mattress now.  Her naked body climbing across the king size bed, approaching him from the back.  She leaned down, and inhaled his scent.  He gasped as her nose, ever so slightly brushed across his skin.  She did it again, and a gasp combined with a moan escaped his lips.  She could keep from touching him no longer.  Reaching up with one hand, her nails extended to his shoulder, and she gently ran them over his body, listening to his sounds.  She smiled to hear them and teased a while longer.

"Stay where you are until you are called for" she whispered into his ear.  Retreating back, she climbed from the bed and turned to climb into the warm, inviting bath.  She knew he was listening closely, and could hear the sound of the water as she lowered herself, moaning as the heated liquid relaxed and destressed her muscles.  Did he wonder, what the sound was as she lowered her head back and sank in, then rising, her hair now soaked, dark, and pushed back away from her face.

She knew he would be self conscious.  She leaned back under the bubbles, closed her eyes, and called for him.

"You may open your eyes now, and come to me". 

She could hear the sound of him immediately moving from the bed.  His footsteps as he approached her in the tub.  This was his first view of her, in the state he could only fantasize about.  He loved the way she looked.  Leaning back in the tub.  He couldn't believe it was him.

"Climb in the tub with me" she commanded, her eyes still closed, a smile on her face.  She pointed made a space for him next to her, across the tub, and he immediately entered the water, while commenting on her beauty.

She opened her eyes, and the saw each other for the first time in this way.  It was a perfect first view.

His hands felt strong and wonderful as he moved the suds and hot water across her skin.  The gift wrapped bundle on the side of the tub was a set of purple bathing gloves.  He put them on, and began to run them over her body, making her skin gleam against the warm glow of the room.  The bathing went on, the sensations growing.

The hot water took it's toll.  She began to feel light headed and asked him to remove her from the tub.  He grabbed one of the extra towels he had gotten from the clerk earlier, and began to remove the water droplets from her skin.  He helped her step from the tub, and dried some more.  She turned for him.  Holding her wet hair up in her hands, she left her entire body exposed for him to view.  She knew he longed for this.  She loved teasing him.  Building his desire for her.

The bed was soft as she laid face down across the comforter.  He moved next to her and began to rub her body.

"May I massage you?" he asked.

"Yes, you may" she granted, and smiled.

He stood, as she watched his naked body.  He looked great.  Strong in all the right places.  He moved to the table and opened a tall bottle of liquid.  Massage oil.  He had made a quick trip to the pharmacy earlier, but she didn't ask why.  Now it was clear.  The oil smelled wonderfully sexy.  It felt even better.   He moved his hands masterfully for the next hour or so.  The tensions, the stress, the knots of life leaving her body.  She smiled and enjoyed every second of pampering.

The massage ended with their bodies intertwined.  His mouth on her skin.  She pushed his lips down onto one erect nipple, as she placed his hand on the other.  He bit at first, but obeyed deliciously as she commanded him in the right pressures to please her.

She guided his hands to her pussy, giving him permissions to only touch the outside, pressure to her clit.  He moaned feeling how wet and swollen she had become.  He was to get to know her body.  The feeling of each mountain and valley.  Diving into sex would not have done that.  This was time for him to explore and learn from her.  He listened carefully.  He followed instructions wonderfully.

He was allowed to slide his fingers inside of her. Two at first, then three.  He was instructed to bring the moistened fingertips to his lips, and he gladly suckled the juices from them.  His eyes never leaving hers.  She was so close to cumming.  She was so close to fucking him.  She decided it was time to return to the tub.  And they did.

The water had cooled a bit, an even warm that allowed a longer stay, time enough for him to touch her often and how she liked.  Time for her to discover the wonderful secret of his sensitive nipples.  Time for their skin to pucker and prune.  But all well worth it.

Her orgasm was strong that night.  In the tub, riding on top of him.  One nipple in his mouth, his fingertips rolling the other.  She moaned and called out loudly as he brought her there.  She smiled and purred as he brought her down.  He listened carefully, he instantly reacted to every instruction she gave.  He wanted to please her.

And he did.

It's like this....

The day is moving slower, calmer.  Some assemblence of peace seems to be nearing.
I ask myself, since I am aware others read my blog, should I change the way I write?  To protect them from what my true feelings are?  To protect them from themselves?

The answer at this time is no, I don't think so.
I am happy that what I have to say is important.  That it makes a difference.  That I am making an impact where maybe my words were not being listened to before.  If your making the journey to check out my blog, then it is you who needs to take the responsibility for what you read.  For some, I am overjoyed that they finally visit.  I feel important.  I feel loved.

In past situations, I have taken the responsibility and acknowledged what I could control.  I stopped visiting the blogs that made me feel awkward.  I removed the feeds and status accounts from my sight.  I did not speak of or attempt to solicit information about the individuals.  So yes, I know it can be done.

I "out" no one on my blog.  I do not do a "he said" "she said" scenerio because that will only cause problems for the parties involved.

What I do, however, is tell my version of how I am feeling.  How the actions (or in actions in some cases) of others affect my life, my well being, my energy, my family.


My first attempts to communicate are always face to face, in person.  But when the door is shut in my face, when the manipulation turns on, I will retreat, I will reinforce the protective armour, and I will fight if you back me into a corner.

I don't fight with manipulation.  I never have.  I don't twist things around to be what I want them to be for the sole purpose of what I want to have my way.  I will however, call you on your bullshit.  I will tell you exactly how it is and where you stand.  I have done so from the beginning.  I will continue to do so till the end.

And so I will continue to write, and hope.....

Just Today

Work has been the one constant in my life these past few months.  I'm thankful to have a job as so many don't.  I'm thankful my job keeps my mind engaged and my body moving.  If it wasn't for this job, I could be sitting mindlessly at a desk job browsing the internet and looking for ways to cause trouble in peoples lives.

The one thing that is the most difficult about my job is the physical impact it has on my body.  Yes, I am literally moving all day long.  I don't have access to the internet tools I need from the auxillary warehouse and so I walk back and forth all day long, sometimes, just to communicate to my bosses who are not answering their phones.  The pace is fast, almost at a run.  There is always a schedule and there is no time for slow sauntering.  The weights of the boxes I lift daily range from 25lbs to 75lbs and are anywhere from 12x12 to 50x50...it just depends on what the job is.  The tendonitis in my elbows can be excruciating on certain days.  I am in physical pain most of the day.  I keep saying I don't want to be doing this when I'm 50. I better get my ass moving then.

This week, my boss is on vacation.  Something he should have done long ago.  This means the entire workload of daily fulfillment activities as well as the special projects are all on my plate.  Stressful, yes, but it keeps my mind occupied so I don't have to think about the stupid shit that is playing out in my life.  The problem is, I am just tired.  The sunshine that hit our city yesterday was warm and inviting.  I should have been out riding my horse after the 11 hour day.  But I just couldn't risk the drive out, the chance of my eyes closing on the road.

465 packages ship out today.  Another project immediately ships in and starts right afterwards.  There are only 10 shipments, but it requires processing of about 1500 graphic pieces.  There is a chance that 2 projects will arrive at the same time.  If so, add another 340 shipments.  One ships on Friday, the other on Monday.  No telling if that means I have to work or set up work for the weekend.  I never really know until the last minute.

There is a great amount of pride I take watching those shipments leave our warehouse.  The size of the jobs, of the graphics, of the coordination are not anything near rocket science, but it requires an attention to detail, the ability to micromanage or not, and a mind that can move quickly from one task to another, multitasking at warp speed.  But it always leaves on time if it's within my control.

2 pallets of sauces, ketchup, and mustards will ship today as well.  Each case moved once to count and a second time to be palletized.

I am good at what I do.  I am respected for my mind and what I can accomplish, who I am.  My integrity is not questioned, nor my motives.  I am trusted to make it all work, because the people I work with, even the clients who have never met me, know that the success of others, is the final goal, the priority of the company.  There are pits as with any job.  But they are nothing compared to the outside world.

Work is the safe place....

I'm looking forward to a bath.  A long hot bath with bubbles that reach to the top of my head.  The water from a sponge over my back.  The lather against my skin.

I'm looking forward to hands across my body.  The tensions of the week, mental and physical released as fingertips ripple across my skin.

I'm looking forward to closing my mind to the outside world.  Relaxing and letting it happen.

I'm looking forward to being taken care of.

Life Energy

There is energy in everything.

From the smallest pebble on the bottom of the deepest depths of the ocean, to the crystal of ice at the top of the highest mountain.

Our bodies are energy.  I vision it as a mass of glowing light.  Bright, beaming, giving the gift of life.  The ability to love.  The strength to shine brighter and release itself to those that need more.  The gift to re-energize.

I've always absorbed negative energy.  I'm not sure if there is a name for it, but if I'm around people who are negative, sad, in despair, or disrepair.  I absorb that negative and my own light tends to drain lower.  If not careful, I forget to refill, refuel, plug in and recharge.  Sleeping is a slow recharge for me.  But that is how the low energy manifests itself.  The best way for me to rebuild my positive energy is to be around those with a life energy that glows and radiates from their souls.

I have been away from a recharge for far too long.  I realized that when the energy presented itself, and my energy began to rebuild itself.  It was a short plug in.  But it gave me enough of a jump start that I can limp along the highway, till I find a place to stop, rest, and plug in again.

This energy I've found.  It's different than what I'm used to.  It has a different level, a different strength.  There is something about it that I can't explain.  Kind of like eating hamburger and finally tasting a steak.  It's still beef, but you know you have found a higher quality, and you want more.

I don't recharge myself from everyone.  I consciously do not recharge off my husband, my children, or certain people in my life.  Like a blood transfusion, not everyone has the same energy type.  I do have a small select group of friends.  We more or less throw energy into the air, and each of us takes what we need.  At times, one of us may need more than another, but nobody cares who takes how much as long as we all walk away no less energized.

I need to be careful not to over use, or abuse this new found light.  I felt bad for taking so much of it without even knowing.  Did I return any???  It seems precious.  Hard to find.  Hidden for so long.  But maybe I wasn't supposed to find it until now.

I'm turning a corner now, hold on tight, but it's an important part of this post.

There is a box.  It is ornate.  A gold clasp that keeps the lid tightly closed.  When the box opens, there are things that float out.  Small, mostly golden, shining, sparkling.  Some have wings.  It's a box of mystery.  I want to step closer to it, look down inside of it, and if my suspicions are correct, there is more to the bottom of that box than I can see from this mere glance.

And when I closed my eyes, it was a wolf that I saw.  The grey muzzle, the black nose.  The eyes, I couldn't see, but I suspect they were dark.  I'll look closer next time.

Giving A Rip

Gliding along and not caring seems to be working for me.

I'm laughing still.  I'm on the angry side of annoyed.

Was hoping to skip that part.

Annoyed at the situation.

Annoyed at the actions of others.

Annoyed that I believed and trusted.

Annoyed at myself for opening up.

That was my fault.  Believing, trusting.

Won't happen that easily ever again.

I'm venturing out.  Bringing my rope out.

Opportunities are there.

A new group of friends, playmates, fuckbuddies, and maybe one special someone.

Work, Dance, Volunteer, Fuck...whatever it takes.

If it makes it feel better to say I'm "over it" or "in a better place", then by all means, fill in the blank to your own desires.

I'm where I am.  That's not someplace you want to visit with me.

The sad part is.

It could have been so different.

Even worse, I really don't give a Fuck!

Laughing Out Loud

I have to laugh.
It's part of who I am.
It's one of the things I have missed about myself.
I let that go, shame on me.

Laughing is something that brings out the best in me.
Pissed off, annoyed, crying, heartbreak, dealing with Ms. Drama Extraordinaire...
Those things are all nothing I want part of.
But laughing, that just puts it all into perspective.

So I find new humor in my current situation.
Humor in the actions of others.
Humor in how to deal with those actions.
Part of the humor, is just to not react.

I spent most of yesterday laughing, litteraly laughing.
It felt awesome!
Posts that made me realize I can turn anything into humor.
People who can laugh with me are there.
Even though they know nothing.
But yet, they know everything.
Thank you to that community.

But the material I have is short lived.
The drama will cease soon.
That is just writing on the wall.
So I will get as much humor as I can out of this situation.
And continue to laugh out loud.

Saying I'm Sorry

It was almost a year ago.
The party that started it all.

She was upset about something.
But I didn't know what it was.

The permissions were granted.
I followed the stated.

I didn't know at that time.
It was the unstated that was overstepped.

I now understand.
And I am so sorry I was part of her pain.

I am so sorry I didn't see it.
I am so sorry I didn't understand it.

If she had tried to explain it.
Would we even have listened?

I like to think I would have.
But now I don't know.

Maybe, just maybe.
It took living through the pain for me to realize.

I will be more careful next time.
To watch and listen more closely.

Words say only what we want to hear.
Actions speak the truth, show the intent.

She deserved better.
I should have known better.

And so I want to say...
I am so sorry.

Date Night

Last night was Date Night.
This is a night we set up to just spend only us time together.
Go to dinner at a special place.  Sit close and talk intimately.
We looked deeply into each others eyes, knowing our love is just building stronger.
Does that seem possible?

After dinner, we came home, walked directly into the bedroom, and shut the door.
The rest of night, we touched the naked skin of the other, gasps, moans, the sounds of our bodies joined together and moving in rythmatic waves.
Falling asleep exhausted and sweaty in each others arms.

This was a night we were supposed to plan every month.
It had fallen off the charts.
We lost track of what was important.  Truly important.
We went along with our "wants" and lost track of the " need" to make each other the top priority.
Over and above the wants and desires of others.
Our children really, are the only ones who "need" anything from us.
Everyone else, will learn their place.
To sit patiently, silently, and wait until we are done.

Every marriage, every relationship has it's ups and downs.
Ours has been like a roller coaster these past few months.
Yes, I know the exact date and what took place when the roller coaster started moving.
The reasons are for those very different than the fantasies created.
But none of that matters right now.
All I know is that something clicked last week.
Something made him notice what was happening to us.
Whatever it was, he began to take steps to repair the black hole that was created.
We are repairing it together.

Our next Date Night is already scheduled.

The priorities are clear.

The priority is US.

Open Arms

A few lucky people have a song.

For us, that special song, our special song is "Open Arms" by Journey.

The song we listened to as high school sweethearts.

The song we played as I walked down the aisle.

The song, the music, the lyrics that well outlines the journey we have taken to get to where we are, at any point in our lives together.

As our lives change, as our hearts break and repair, people come in and fade out, some negative, some positive, choices and assumptions... the words of the song continue to hold true to us, our love, and our eternal existence in this life, those lives that were previous, and those lives still to come.  "We sailed on together, we drifted apart, and here you are by my side"...

Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine.
Softly you whisper, your're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side

So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay.

Life Is Changing

The love my husband and I share for each other has grown stronger each and every day.
As we lie in bed in the mornings, talking softly, sweet kisses, speaking of nothing but I love you.
As we lie in bed at night, the final continued embrace before drifting off.
The touch of skin as our naked bodies become one.
The intensity of our lovemaking in the past months has been explosive.
We can't seem to get enough of each other.


We strive to work harder at our communication.
23 years of marriage is no easy task.
We are proud of our accomplishment.
Now we have added a secondary relationship into the mix.
His work is cut out for him.
His choice for a secondary was not the wise one, but the easy one.
And I understand, and I give freely because I want him to have this first experience.

As he moves on to other relationships in the future, he will realize that it will get easier.
Communication will flow as we learn.
His choice in his next relationship will be wiser.
He will realize the secondary relationship need not be so time consuming or dramatic.
It should be fun.
It should be exciting.
It should be easy.
For both of us.

A Virus

A small, insignificant entity that on it's own, causes no disease, no stress, no problems to human existence.

The virus, when introduced into a hospitable environment,  will disguise itself as a friendly element that the host does not see as a threat.  With no threat, the host puts up no barriers, does not try to defend itself, and does not recognize the infection, until it's too late.

Once detected, there are ways to eraticate some viruses.  Strong systems of immunity, strength, and outside elements can sometimes help. Other viruses, unfortunately have painful side affects, cause deterioration, and in the most extreme circumstances, death.


The question is, how dangerous is the virus.

A Nightmare

We were in Israel, or someplace like that.
Walking and talking.
I was wearng that black dress you bought me for my Birthday.
People started running.
We followed and looked up into the sky to see what they were seeing.
It was a hang glider.
And then something was dropped.
It was a bomb.
People started screaming.
We heard the explosion, and watched as the dark cloud came towards us.
I pulled you into a small door that I had noticed was open.
We kissed.  We said I love you over and over.
We made sure we held tightly and were in each others arms when it ended.

I woke up crying.

This is what it's like to love you.
Scarier than Hell that it will end.
But making sure, that every second of every day,
we know how much we love each other.

Wading into the waters where the Green Eyed Monster lurks

Envy
Exclusion
Competitiveness

Those are the 3 flavors of the week.
I'm sure there are more, but those are the 3 that have been identified and need to be dealt with.

What do I Envy?
I envy that you will wear a piece of jewelry she gave you to work, when I was told long ago that you couldn't wear jewelry because it was dangerous in a machine shop.
I envy that you can text with her and communicate more than you ever communicated with me.
I envy that you have someone else to play with often and I do not.
I envy that you can tell her you care for her, while I cannot admit that to my special playmate.
I envy that you have so much patience for the drama and baggage that her marriage carries into our lives, when I have worked so hard to keep drama out of your life because you didn't want it.


What makes me feel Excluded?
I feel excluded because you take her into another room or a different location to be affectionate, and limit that affection in front of me.
I feel excluded that you won't share details of your journey with me.  I want to know what your thinking, how it's feeling, special names...those special things I shared with you.
I feel excluded that you always want to be alone with her, not including me in time together to just hang out.

Why do I feel Competition?
I am feeling an unfairness.
It's unfair that I passed up so many opportunities to play in order to show you how you were #1 in my priorities.  You take advantage of every opportunity, even when her husband is having problems with it.
It's unfair that I paid such close attention to the time in which I played so that you would know that you could trust rely on me.  When you loose track of time with her, I percieve it as loosing track of me.
It's unfair that I tell my playmates how much I love you and emphasize your my #1 priority, and you don't make that a priority to tell her.
It's unfair that you wanted to be where I was and I felt the pressure of you waiting for me to finish playing so you could drive me home, and I give you only a time in which I want you in my bed at night.

I realize these points are all irrational.  I realize that in all these instances, it was me making the decisions to give, rarely did you vocalize or ask me to give it.  I am dealing with them the best way I can.  I talk to you.  I talk to people. I read about it.  And now, I blog about it.

Most of all.  I love you.

25 Years Ago Today

For some, the assassination of JFK will be vivid in their minds.  They were there watching when the shots were fired.  They watched as their beloved President died before their eyes (I know, speculation about when he actually died, but lets face it, half you brains on lying on the backseat of a car, the outcome isn't going to be in your favor).

For me, there are two specific dates and memories that bring on a weird feeling of sorrow and tragedy.  I am not alone I know.  911 is one of those dates.  I stood there watching as others did as the Towers were hit, and then that horrible feeling as they began to crash to the ground.  You could almost hear the screams from thousands of miles away.  I am weird in that I also felt them.

The other date, that will always stick with me forever, is January 28th.  The day the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded with 7 men and women on board.

Why do I remember it so vividly?  I was working as the Inventory Supervisor for Tom Peterson's (free is a very good price).  The company had just purchased the Standard TV on Foster.  We were moving in that day, taking inventory.

We all got to stop work long enough to watch the launch.  The ladies from the office, some of the sales people, and warehouse guys, we all stood in front of 200+ televisions and chatted idly as the shuttle prepared.

We became silent as we watched, the engines roar, the rockets blast, and then liftoff, smiled and made a few jokes about monkeys?

And then, before our eyes, and all around us on every screen in the showroom, it happened....

Some where asking, what happened?  Some were saying it was just the rockets dropping away from the shuttle. But I knew immediately.  I knew this wasn't normal.  I knew the shuttle did not continue on its way.  I knew at that moment, what had happened.  I walked away and went back to work.  I didn't need to keep seeing it over and over on the screens.  It as imbedded in my head, in my memory.

And today,  I am reminded again.

The Hotel - Part 3 A Taste Of Things To Come

“Close your eyes, do not open them” his deep voice causes chills through my body.  I close my eyes shut and my senses heighten.

I feel his hands on me now.  Touching my body.  I hear rustling; he is moving me in place.  His lips are on my nipples as I stand unstable and trembling.   His teeth begin to nibble, the soft nibbles only lasting moments before the harder bites follow.  I am wincing in pain, but deliciously turned on by the sensation.

Opening my eyes, I can see his mouth surrounding my breast and his eyes meet mine.

“I told you to leave them closed” he growls through a full mouth of flesh, and he grabs hard at the other breast.

I am gasping for air, trying to remember to stand still, not fight him off, and still deal with the pain.  “I’m sorry Sir” is all I can manage.   He releases his grip and continues to suck on the already sore nipple.

Pain.  Delicious pain.  My breasts are already sore and tender from time spent together this week.  They feel heavy and swollen as I cup one from underneath and lift it higher for him.

He is standing now, and I am being turned.

“Walk, and keep your eyes closed” he is telling me.  I smile and trust his lead.

The curtain had been partially opened when I walked in.  I can now feel the coldness that is penetrating the large plate glass window as I get closer.   I know what is about to happen and a sudden flight response takes over.  I step back.  Wrong choice.

His large hands are forceful as he is pushing my body, uncovered up against the window.  I know I am resisting but I can’t stop.

“Open your eyes” he almost whispers.

I am watching the cars pass on one way streets below.  The brightly lit Twin Towers of the Convention Center loom in the black sky.  My eyes are darting to the people now walking up the street and I am wondering if they are looking up, and what they can see.  I am feeling panic.  I am feeling humiliated.  I am feeling aroused.  I am being pulled away.

“Lie down” he instructs as he points to a bench just to our right.  The bench is soft.  He places a blindfold over my eyes, and I lie back.

I feel the soft bandanas he keeps in his bag as they are gently tied to my wrists.  Each wrist is being secured to the bench, it feels snug, it feels wonderfully snug.  The rope is now around one of my legs, still in boots, and my knee is being lifted and pulled towards my chin and tied off.  I feel the other leg begin tied, lifted, and secured as well.  I am exposed.

Rope is on my breasts now.  The hemp feels soft, yet strong.  I am getting a soft whiff of its fragrance.  This is something I’ve really not noticed before.  It is almost an oil smell, but not chemical but earthy.  I am staring to float now.  I cannot feel the tenderness that was in my breasts but just a few minutes ago.  I feel sensations.  I hear his voice.  I am here, but not completely.

“One” he counts as a small vibrating unit is slid inside of me.  “Two” and I can feel another.  They are creating a consistent sensation, a pressure.  He leaves me to deal with it in my own way.

I am drifting in and out.  He is still tying.  He is taking his time.  He told me he would.  I love this feeling of vulnerable and trust.  My mind is wandering as I feel the sensations and allow myself this indulgence.

I can feel his hands on me.  He is tugging on the ropes.  I resurface to realize his hands are on my legs, held up in the air by rope.  The vibrating eggs are still working internally.  He is spreading me farther apart.  He is against me.  I feel his bare skin.  I feel his hands suddenly on my nipples.

“They are purple” he says to me.  “Do you want to see them?”

I am not sure if I have answered him.  It doesn’t matter.  I feel him now and gasp as he buries himself  deep inside of me without warning.  He is rough and aggressive.  He is not making love to me.  He is using me.   This is what I had wanted.  This is what I had asked for.  I can hear in his words that he is in the frame of mind that tells me I am the slut he requested.  The hole he expected.  He is using me as I should be used.

The assault continues, the eggs vibrating in the same hole he has been using for a period of time now.  My breasts feel only the erotic sensation of being touched.  The sensation feed lubricant and is seeming to excite him more.

His vocalization as he unloads himself fills the room.  I do not hear the man I submit to.  I do not hear the man who cares for and adores me.  I hear someone else, something else.  I hear an animal rage, a roar of sorts, and I feel the continuous forceful thrusts until all is expelled.

Hours have passed.  I am not sure how long I have been tied.  He slowly begins to bring me back to him.  Removing the eggs, one at a time.  My breasts, are being unbound and blood rushing back into the veins feels like a shock.  My legs are slowly being lowered, one at a time.  Each one gently let down to the ground.  My wrists, once bound tightly to the sides of the bench, are now on my stomach, and he is removing the bandana bindings.

My blindfold is still in place.  I am helped to sit up and stand, then led slowly to the bed where I am told to crawl up and lie down.  I crawl slowly, feeling for the pillows and lie down on the cold sheet.

I can feel the pressure on the mattress as he climbs onto the bed and is lying next to me.  I smile as his arms wrap around me and gentle kisses begin to access my neck and face.  He snuggles me closer, tighter in his arms.  He breaths me in and we recharge as our energies silently exchange.

“Are you happy?” he asks me.

“Yes, I am very happy” is my reply.

The Hotel - Part 2 The Way It Happened

“Crawl to me” he growls from across the room.

I am now on my hands and knees and I have never crawled to anyone nor been requested.  I am feeling oddly seductive.  A dichotomy of emotions are now welling up in my submissive heart and my dominant brain.  “What does he expect?” I am thinking.  But I already knew the answer.  He only expected one thing from me.  Trust. 

I lean forward, putting pressure onto my palms.  I glance down at my fingers spread evenly on the short carpet and admire the shine of the purple on my nails.  Looking up slowly, I let my deep brown eyes meet with his.  He is smiling, but his eyes are dark.

He has a caring but hard energy about him tonight.  The texts in the past 12 hours have been short, stern, and concise.  They have excited me and I have anticipated and wondered how this evening would play out.  I admit to myself I am enjoying each surprising twist.

The room feels much larger from the floor level.  It seems to take forever to make the journey on my hands and knees.  I lift my toes with each advance so as not to drag against the carpet and snag the black thigh high stockings I was instructed to wear.  I pass the bed on my right, the comforter and blankets neatly folded back, the dark mahogany wood entertainment center on my left, and finally arrive at his feet as he sits in the chair next to the window.

He likes me at his feet.  He enjoys the view as I sit and look up at him, adoring and waiting for his instruction.  At this moment in time, I have let go of what I feel others might think of me being in this physical and mental situation.  I only want to do what makes him happy.  How odd a feeling this is for me.  This overwhelming desire to be an unrestrained captive at this mans feet.  All the protective walls of tough and Top are shed.  I take guilty pleasure in knowing he is probably mentally restraining himself from physically having me now.

“You have made me very happy” he whispers and I see it in his eyes and his smile.  Seconds later, a stronger deeper voice follows with “You know what to do”…

My mouth is soft.  I use my lips to tighten and release the shaft, my tongue flicking in those sensitive spots that men have.  I use my throat muscles to cluck against the head.  An action he has instructed me to practice before this evening.  I can feel more growth with each contraction.  My mouth and throat are full now.  Air does not pass and I relax my mind so that I don’t panic.  I trust him.  I trust that he is caring as well as forceful.  I trust he will not let harm come to me.  And I continue to give him pleasure as he moans and growls my name.

His hands are in my hair now.  The grasp is tight against my scalp.  I close my eyes and moan.  I love the rough and primal feeling as he pushes me into him.  He knows I enjoy the force.  His pleasure is heightened, as I do not resist.  He is loves that I give myself to him fully.  My face is buried in his pelvis, and when I finally can take no more, I am pulled away, gasping and choking, drool and mucus stringing from my mouth.  He tells me to stay where I am, and he stands and walks away.

From past conversations, I know that I am no longer to try and see what is happening behind me.  I am not to sneak peaks as he prepares his ropes and toys.  Tonight, I focus on what he expects from me.  I obey his command and stay where I am.  The excitement continues to build inside of me and I shift a bit to move my wet panties against my clit, admittedly stealing a bit of pleasure without permission….

To be continued…

The Hotel - Part 1 The Fantasy

I can imagine the feeling as I begin the drive downtown.  The excitement as I take the exit leading me from the freeway a few short blocks to the hotel.  The wetness that began when he told me of his plans for this date, would now be uncontrollable as I enter the parking structure and make my way to the front desk. 

“I was told a room key would be waiting for me”,  I will explain to the young clerk at the desk.  He will let his fingers slightly touch mine as he places the keycard in my hand and, flirtatiously smiles like he knows, and points to the elevators leading to the 12^th floor.  “Have a wonderful evening” he will call as I turn and walk away.  I will smile knowing he is watching my ass. 

The elevator doors will open onto the 12^th floor and the smell of carpet freshener and freshly washed linen will hit my nostrils.  I will step onto the deep red and gold floor covering and glance at the wall plaque that points toward the pod of room numbers.  I will walk confidently to the room, stop, and turn.  1207 is the sign on the door.  I double check my last text message from him.  Yep, they match, and I will slide the keycard into the electronic box, watch the green light flash, and listen for the lock to click open. 

The room will be dark as I close the door behind me and flip the inside deadbolt as I was previously instructed to do.  I will remove my jacket and let it fall to the floor as my eyes adjust to the darkness.  I will be wearing only the garments he outlined in his instructions.

Stepping down the narrow hallway and into the dimness of the suite, I will see his sillouette against the closed curtains.  He will be sitting back in a chair.  Watching me.  I will stand and wait patiently until he speaks “what is expected of you?”. 

I will approach and immediately drop to my knees in front of him.  In the darkness, my hands will begin to unbuckle his belt, moving quickly to work through the buttons on his pants, and reaching in, I will pull out the firm flesh and begin....

Safer Sex Sunday

Oh it felt good to sleep in this morning.  My ass is killing me after going up and down those 2 flights of stairs yesterday.  Moving the club back into it's normal look after the NYE party.  But it's a good ass pain LOL.  I need to keep that up.  I like my ass.  I get compliments on it all the time.  It's large, yes, but nicely shaped, round, and lifted, not saggy (yet).  I try to pay attention to how I walk so that my glutes do their job.  It all pays off when I wear my chaps :)

We went to a class on "safer sex" today.  I was astonished at how much I learned and how enjoyable the person giving us the information was.  She is a trained microbiologist/rocket scientist/smart person.  She was an amazingly intelligent woman who had warmth and caring and humor about things that could be so sterile and boring.  I loved the short time we got to spend with her.

I learned alot of things, but a few really stuck in my mind.  Like how to make a dental dam out of a condom or a glove.  Like how HPV can transmit from one to another and how much more careful I should be.  Like how vanilla flavored condoms taste better than strawberry flavored.

Mostly, I learned how uniformed I really am and I will be striving to learn more now.

So tonight, I leave you with this picture of the free samples we were offered...

And remember, phone sex doesn't require a condom.  http://www.bcbchaps.com/

Chaps~

P.S. In my defense, I started writing this post when it was still 1/2/11...

1/1/11

It's freaking cold outside.  I think about a friend I recently met who promised me he had a warm tent to sleep in.  I trusted that he wasn't lying to me, but still, there is a part of me that wants to go out and find him, bring him into shelter and warmth.  But I also know that is not something he would want.  I have to accept that he knows what he wants and what is best for him.  So I sit here and feel a bit of guilt at where I am at.

I spent New Years Eve with people I love.  My husband who had a date with a close friend.  My Dom who made arrangements that allowed him time to spend a special few hours with me.  Other close friends from the club.  We stood together in the hallway next to the DJ booth as the clock struck 12.  At that moment, we exchanged kisses, yelled "switch", and exchanged kisses with the next person, yelled "switch" and repeated the process.  It was fun and a moment to remember.

The day was spent with many of these same friends.  Cleaning up the club, getting it ready for the party tonight.  We won't be there.  Most of us won't.  We are too tired.  But have still spent the day together, working towards a cause we believe in.  We all know and take pride in the fact that we are a main part of why this club remains in our lives.

And so the day ends.  A fireplace.  A warm blanket.  I have the phone line open for a sexy phone sex chat.

I leave you with this sexy http://www.bcbchaps.com/ photo and wish you the start of a Happy New Year!

Chaps~