November

Last November, my whole world was caving in around me.  Friends, lovers, marriage, finances...it just all came crashing down at once.

This November, has been rejuvenating.  I've learned alot about myself in the past year.  Taken steps to fix my finances, fix my friendships, establish new lovers and most importantly, to fix me.

I am stronger, more confident, and assured of who I am.  My value in both this world and in my own mind.  I no longer say I'm at fault when I don't believe I am.  I no longer take the blame for something I don't believe I did.  I just don't back down or away anymore.

I've heard/seen alot of posts and discussions on the importance of communication.  I've been to seminars outlining what steps to take, how to talk, how to listen.  Funny, it didn't change me at all.  Most of all, all that I read and saw, gave me the confidence to do what I thought should have been done in the first place.  Stand up for myself, my choices, what I believe is right for ME.


This November, a new energy has entered my life.  He is open, clear, and filled with desire and love.  I am valued for who I am.  I will miss what I had before, but only because I care for those who enter my life, even if they only stay for a bit.  I've learned to recognize the signs.  It's all good....

And I leave this November, happy and whole again.

A New Beginning

Stepping into the unknown
Waiting, thats all I can do
The arrival will be soon
My stomach is turning
I want to let go
I will let go
No clothing to hide my body
No makeup to cover my face
No jewelry to distract
On my knees
Palms up
I give myself

Things He Said

u make my days better
u help clear my head from the mountains of stress
u make me stronger
u bring out my dark side
u bring out my unselfish side
u build me up
u made it very hard 4 me to not take you somewhere private tonight...and make u go down on me
u made me melt with your touch
i love your eyes
i love your smile
i love your energy
i love your submission

Not Running This Time

I texted a friend the other day and asked why is it when you try to communicate your feelings or thoughts or concerns, that people call it "drama".

His response had something to do with people just not wanting to face their own emotions.

So I've had opportunities to communicate, and instead, chose to avoid creating what I felt would be percieved as "drama" by just dropping out of the relationships.  I felt that if I wasn't part of them, then what I was feeling and dealing with, wouldn't have to be discussed and therefore, I would avoid causing them the drama they didn't want any part of.  I succeeding in hurting them, hurting myself, and not having two good friends in my life for almost a year.

So I did learn during that absense from their lives.  I learned that instead of running, I should have spoken.  I should have talked about it, I should have at least tried to trust them with what was going on behind the scenes of what they were seeing on the outside.  I never gave them that opportunity.

I had a concern, about a post I read, and so I asked this friend what I should do, if I should contact the author and just ask.  His response was yes - ask.  And so I did.

I'm glad I did.  There was a coincidence in timing of another thing that was happening in my life and I wanted to make sure that there hadn't been some misinterpretation or misunderstanding of the connection between the two.  I almost avoided asking the question directly because I wanted to avoid creating "drama".  but I realized, I need to do this, to trust in the relationship we were rebuilding, to find out if I was capable of not running.

I'm learning I'm trying, and I sure as hell hope I'm heading in the right direction.

One things for sure, I'm not running anymore, even from the new stuff.

You Grabbed My Boob

I'm sitting at a friends beach house right now in Ocean Park, WA.  It's a place I've been allowed to come for years.  It's a 3 hour tour to get here, no Skipper, no Gilligan, and no neverending coconut cream pies, but worth the time.

This weekend was supposed to be a weekend to get my overwhelming rubber stamp collection ready for sale.  But the focus has changed.  One thing that led to the change was the overload of project work that dropped on my doorstep on Thursday morning.

Our clients, client was late with approvals, which made our client late with the graphics, when made me behind schedule for a deadline.  Top that off with the need to get ready for a party Thursday night, coordinating a spanking party for a good friend, and helping setup the nightclub for a Twisted party.  I was behind schedule and had way to much on my plate.  I was feeling the effects.

Thursday, Thursday was just bad on so many levels.  Friday wasn't much better.  The after affects of Thursday, then the project materials are still coming in and I am supposed to be driving here and have all my stamps packed because we are leaving at 3pm. 2:45, I text my friend "still at work, will leave a soon as possible".  ugh. Friend responded with , forget the stamps, just go.  And I did.

She and I have been good vanilla friends for many years.  We've always talked alot, I've shared most of my exploits with her (the vanilla flavored ones).  Just recently, I have discovered she is into kink.  Who knew!  Obviously I didn't or I would have been talking to her about all this stuff much earlier.  She was with me Thursday night so it was a great drive to be able to download and bounce off my thoughts and feelings.  It was a good way to release it all.

Neither of us slept for very long.  The 3 of us are sleeping in the King Size bed.  No, there are no sexily clad females in filmy nightys swatting pillows at each other (sickos).  She and I got up.  We sat on the couch this morning, whispering (because the vanilla friend is still sleeping), sharing our thoughts and emotions about our current inner turmoils and connections.  I had received texts and emails during the night that I needed to share with her.  We talk about everything.  What we like, what we dont' like, what scares us, just comparing notes about ourselves.  Amazing how we are so much alike, yet so totally opposite.  Then she tells me, "last night, in bed, you grabbed my boob."

OMFG REALLY? - New rule, sleeping with my back to her from now on, so unacceptable to molest your friends in your sleep.

I have pulled a chair up to the front of a woodstove in the living room.  There is a roaring log-o-flame heating the room.  I have my favorite blanket, a cup of coffee (not my first this morning), I'm sitting in my jammies, and I haven't combed my hair or brushed my teeth.  This is where I need to be for the moment.

Just To Fucking Tired To Care Anymore

It's all swirling around like a fucking cyclone.
I hate this feeling.
I don't want it and I certainly didn't ask for it.
I like who I am and who I have become.
I developed these skills to cope with all the fucking bullshit.
Going back to needing nothing and nobody is a whole lot easier.
So fix your shit.
I'm going to think and feel and desire what I want.
Nobody gets to control that.
Not even you.

You Should Be More Careful

He had been flirting with me all night.  Walking by as a group of us sat at the bar, making eye contact, smiling.  I had seen him before.  I think I had even fucked him before (well, actually, I think it was the other way around and under a set of circumstances where I really didn’t get to chit chat much).

So when I had decided I had had enough, I was granted my permissions, grabbed his hand and led him into a dark corner room.

I reached around him and made sure the door was closed.  He smiled at me but made no move towards.  He was shy? Coy? Are you serious? What the fuck?  Ok, I’m not in the mood for this and I’m feeling energized from my past 2 nights of Topping.  He didn’t make a move towards me so he lost his chance.

I grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him back against the cold brick wall behind the door.  There was brick that protruded out on both sides of the small alcove and I pushed his arms up in the air and told him to stand there with his hands against the sides.

He smiled and followed direction.

My hands started up his shirt.  I wasn’t being soft and gentle.  There was no sensuous.  He had a nice body.  Strong.  Tight.  Muscles on his arms, working muscles, not gym ones.  His breath was indicating he was  liking the way I was investigating him.  His breath sucked in as I found his nipples and began playing with them.  His eyes closed as I pinched them between my nails.

I put my hand flat on his chest and pushed back.  He opened his eyes and let my eyes meet his, staring darkly at him.  The red lightbulb in the room was casting the scene as sinister as I wanted it to be.  I was feeling more deviant.  Damn! My bag was downstairs in a locker.

His arms began to fatigue and he started to drop them.  Without loosing eye contact, I harshly pushed them back up in the air and snapped “leave them up” at him.  He did so for about a minute.  They began to lower again.  I wasn’t as kind in my response he next time.

“I said leave them the FUCK UP!” I gritted through my teeth.  I used my nails under his arms to push them up and back, not really caring if it hurt a little.  My hand went to his throat and pressed against it.  I asked “do you understand me this time?”.  He nodded the best he could under my grip.  “I’m not FUCKING JOKING” and I released his neck.

I stared into his eyes as I began to unbuckle his belt.  “You really should be more careful about which girl you choose to flirt with around here” I warned him.  “We aren’t all nice”.  Both hands were now unbuttoning his pants and I roughly pushed them down far enough I could get my hand around his cock.  “And if your going to go into a room with the wrong girl, you might find something your not expecting” I continued to taunt.

His cock was semi-hard.  He could have sworn it was bulging harder than this when he rubbed up against me to say hello at the bar.  Maybe he was scared?  Too fucking bad.  Stupid little boy.

I raised my head to look him in the eye as I began to massage his cock.  He started to close his eyes in enjoyment.  “Open your fucking eyes and look at me” I snapped at him.  “Don’t you dare look away” I continued to growl as his cock grew hard and then limp again.

I hadn’t really planned for this scenario and I really didn’t want to give him a hand job with no lube so I leaned down and pressed my head into his ribs as I let my saliva fall from my mouth onto the swollen head.  Before I lifted my head, I turned slightly and bit into his stomach through his shirt.  He moaned and sucked in. I wasn’t sure if it was the bite or my hand sliding just under the head of his cock that was causing the vocal reaction.  Didn’t care.

He tried to lower his arms again one last time, I didn’t even have to say anything as I glared and grabbed him by the balls.  Twisting and pulling at the same time, I could feel my eyes penetrate his as he lifted his arms higher and a small “yes” whispered from his mouth.

“Shut up and stand still till I’m through with you” I said, and continued with what I wanted to do.

Through the next 15 minutes, I worked over the head of his cock.  Focusing my thumb just under the head, where his V made the vein prominent and I knew the nerves were the most sensitive.  He hardened, softened, hardened again.  Poor guy.

Finally, he began to moan and I felt lubrication in my hand when I knew there was no more spit.  He had cum.

I wiped my hand clean, smiled at him seductively, and told him I was done with him.  He smiled back and said thank you.

I left him standing in the room.  His pants still down around his ankles.  His dick limp.  I don’t think he really knew what hit him.

I washed up in the ladies room and went downstairs to get another drink.

Lesson learned…carry a packet of lube at all times and don’t scare them so much.

Oh wait, maybe the scare was the part that was turning me on LOL.