Behind the Rocks

I work at being whole.  I work hard at it.  I try so hard to maintain control of my thoughts, my feelings, my actions.  I have always taken the responsibility for who I am and what I become.   The decisions I make are of my own doing.  I do however, make decisions based on the fact that I am empathetic to others.  I feel the pain they feel, either physical or mental.  I sense more than most others, and I have been learning to read and acknowledge what I have always known I had the ability to do.  That is how I know.  I am no angel, if you piss me off, I will use those emotions against you.

As my life choices wrap around themselves, I'm finding more and more the need to connect and embrace what I know I can do.  The flows of energy have been chaotic at the least.  I'm presenting newer vibrant energies into my life, but I am cautious about how much of the energy I use and absorb, circulate.  At the same time, my own energy field is changing and I welcome that change and hope that it will help the chaos effect that currently exists.

In working on that field, I saw something.  A lake, a tranquil lake with glass like qualities.  Clear, perfect, calm, smooth.  Next to the lake, were boulders, large, round rocks, no sharp corners, no edges, perfectly complementing the shape and the surface of the beautiful lake in front of me.  A I looked at the lake, I felt calm, knowing what I know, it didn't bother me, there were no negative feelings in my heart, no negative thoughts in my head, other than tranquility and happiness, my mind was silent.

Then, without warning, something stepped out from behind a rock.  It was dark, walked on 2 legs, it had scales, it had a hard surface, huge bulging eyes, and it was ugly.  It presented itself as "soul mate".  Knowing that the word had not crossed my mind for either of them, I suddenly understood what was happening, and acknowledged it was there.  Then I banished the monster that had come out from behind the rock, and "poof", it was gone.

During the night, more creatures crept, or at least tried to creep from behind the rocks.  Each was met with a yellow banner and dismissed.  Now that I recognize them, I can rule the creatures, not have them rule me.

On that same note, I have given myself permission to flex the "primary muscle".  I know, that sounds strange, but what has been pointed out to me is that I have been so intent on making others happy and giving them what they want and what I perceive they need, that I have neglected what actually makes me happy and I need to focus on that more.

For example...in a situation at a common vanilla setting with our horses, we share time with with his submissive.  During that time, a few things took place which, normally, I deal with and then get to share my frustrations with him.  In these circumstances, because my frustration is with someone close to him, I didn't feel like I could tell him what was bothering me without giving him the feeling I was being petty and just didn't like it because it was her.  Not the case (in most of the situations).


People who feel the need to interject:  This annoys the hell out of me.  I was asked to assist by collecting dues and paperwork.  This includes answering questions and introductions as much as possible.  Pretty much, making them feel welcomed.  I've done this before, and I'm good at it.  I'm personable, I smile, and I genuinely am an inviting person.  As I'm collecting funds from one individual, she asked what the funds covered in specifics and how much she could participate.  As I opened my mouth to answer, the submissive sitting on the other side of my horse chimes in over me and starts to answer.  Because I do not wish to embarrass people, I simply closed my mouth and let her explain what she wanted and when she was done, I continued on with the rest of the information.  This would annoy me with ANYONE.  But in the past, I have gotten to share this with my husband and he would acknowledge my frustration, we would laugh and it would be over.  This has stuck with me until now because, well, how can I share that with him with out him getting defensive.


Another frustration.....I am very conscious of my husbands horse business.  I am so proud of him and how wonderful and talented he is with horses.  I'm envious at times.  When he is training, giving lessons, or working his horse, I leave him alone, I don't interrupt him unless I absolutely have to, I respect the professionalism he shows to his clients and the time they are paying him for, as well as his own time invested in his horse.  So when it came to the question "what time is it"...I asked a couple of people sitting near me, and they didn't have watches or cell phones.  The submissive (who should have been paying more attention to the cows she was chasing rather than what I was doing), thought we should ask my husband.  I smiled and said, no, thats ok, and moved on to some people standing to the side and watching the sorting.  I did not want to ask my husband as he was out in the far part of the arena working on his horse.  He gets to have that time.  I respect that.  I let him have his time.  As I rode over to ask the time, I hear the submissive yell across the arena "HEY (insert husbands name here), WHAT TIME IS IT?"...I was annoyed and she was on my last nerve...I had told her no and still, she felt the need to make herself known familiar to him as well as override me.....had it been anyone else, I probably would not have cared, but then again, anyone else would have not gone ahead with the call had I told them not to.

Then there was what I refer to as the "cock block"...this is where the submissive rides up so close to my husband and sits so close, that I cannot get my rightful place near him.  Intentional or unintentional, this will not be allowed again.  I will make my presence known, I will put myself in my rightful place next to my husband, and I will start asserting myself as his Primary partner, no matter who it makes feel uncomfortable.

Close to the Final Farewell

The weeks have turned into months.  The pain is more excruciating than I could have possibly imagined.  I never thought I would ever find myself in the position I am in.  But I did make a choice.  I did make a choice to enter into something that had risk.  This is why I don't gamble.  I suck at it.

Just now, starting new things, trying to fix was has been broken for so long, and every corner, seems to bring around another near head on collision.  I can't say what I feel any longer.....actually, I can say what I feel, but it just causes more defenses...  I can't write what I feel...this too, is incorrect, I can write, but then it's upsetting and again, more defenses.  Limitations are all around me.  Don't hurt those that present themselves as weak.  Because obviously, I need no protection.  Nothing hurts me.  I am made of stone.  Of steel.  I have no heart that breaks... Yea, me, it really doesn't feel like it matters at all.  When it should.  And other times, It feels like I'm the only one who matters.  But that's only when I say it.

So the serious consideration to say goodbye to the choice.  Give up what I want in order to salvage what might possibly still exist.  That means everything.  The Fetlife, the phone sex, the play partners.  Go back to the monogomous vanilla life where you exist daily and bury what is within you.  At least then, I will know what is around the corner.....

How did I reach this turning point?  A simple, beautiful sunset.  Something so magical, so fulfilling, and yet, within seconds, after watching the glorious energy leave my sight, life turned a corner, and what happened next... that cannot be undone.