Close to the Final Farewell

The weeks have turned into months.  The pain is more excruciating than I could have possibly imagined.  I never thought I would ever find myself in the position I am in.  But I did make a choice.  I did make a choice to enter into something that had risk.  This is why I don't gamble.  I suck at it.

Just now, starting new things, trying to fix was has been broken for so long, and every corner, seems to bring around another near head on collision.  I can't say what I feel any longer.....actually, I can say what I feel, but it just causes more defenses...  I can't write what I feel...this too, is incorrect, I can write, but then it's upsetting and again, more defenses.  Limitations are all around me.  Don't hurt those that present themselves as weak.  Because obviously, I need no protection.  Nothing hurts me.  I am made of stone.  Of steel.  I have no heart that breaks... Yea, me, it really doesn't feel like it matters at all.  When it should.  And other times, It feels like I'm the only one who matters.  But that's only when I say it.

So the serious consideration to say goodbye to the choice.  Give up what I want in order to salvage what might possibly still exist.  That means everything.  The Fetlife, the phone sex, the play partners.  Go back to the monogomous vanilla life where you exist daily and bury what is within you.  At least then, I will know what is around the corner.....

How did I reach this turning point?  A simple, beautiful sunset.  Something so magical, so fulfilling, and yet, within seconds, after watching the glorious energy leave my sight, life turned a corner, and what happened next... that cannot be undone.