Resentment

So the submissive has posted for all the kink world to see, her current marital issues with her husband and his girlfriend.  Pretty much, this shows me that not only are they having issues, but that she is making it impossible for the two of them to show face in the kink community without being dubbed the trouble causers.  The thing here is, not all the information is being relayed in the thread in a truthful context.  But that is the M.O.  and people choose to follow the one who cries first.  After that, you just look like some hysterical bitch trying to get even, instead of someone attempting to save face and tell their side of the story.  Yea, been there, done that with this one.  Have no intention of trying to go back there again.  It's just not worth it.

I also know now, that she has not been told she only has submissive status in my husbands life.  That she is no longer considered or has any chance in my marriage to ever be a secondary.  She sealed that casket when she texted him "I resent Kylie".  But we all know that story.


An additional annoyance, as I've stated before, is that she continues to spread the story (which she truly believes or she wouldn't be able to tell it the same way EVERY time she does) that I did a complete 180 when he told her he loved her.  Specifically, she was supposed to have told very clearly, that my problem with her actions and attitude towards myself and my marriage started long before those words were ever spoken.  But no attempt has been made to tell her the truth.  I may be taking that into my own hands soon.  I'd love nothing more than to tell the little bitch exactly where she stands.

I'm sad that he doesn't see he has access to so many who could be part of our lives.  I would love nothing more than to have someone in his life who loved him and truly submitted to him (not a dominant playing submissive).  I would love to have someone I could laugh and smile with, who wasn't on the backside using tears and "emotional walls" and mental bondage to keep him feeling responsible not to hurt her any more than she has been hurt.  She relies on him now for her sanity.  How the fuck is he supposed to pull away from that?  I rely on him to be my wonderful loving and caring husband.  That doesn't have much of a draw it seems.

I wonder, if he knows she communicates with people and doesnt' tell him.  If he knows she tells them these things about me.  I wonder if he knows she uses an annoymous poster on one of the groups to put her story out there.  Guess that didnt' work and she wasn't getting enough "poor girl"....so she decided to go public.  I wonder how long she can make this sabotage continue without someone calling her on her shit.

I still haven't had sex with my husband in weeks.  He shows no desire.  Gets his sex from someone else so why should he care.  I've gone out to meet 2 new people this past week, and he has not bothered to ask what happened, find out if I was safe, or find out anything about them.  Yea, I feel so important.

I'm becoming very detached.  Angered that we are getting to this place again.  Pissed that he isn't making her fucking behave. Anxious that I don't have the same income happening as with my old job.

I resent being where we are now.  In this place in our lives.  I hate the saddness.  I hate the uncertainty.  I hate the feeling of total loss and why even try.

I keep telling myself.  You try because you love him.  But it always ends up right back here again.

Theres more, but right now, I just want to not think....or feel.

A Wednesday Morning

It's Wednesday morning.  It's winter.  It's Oregon.  So there is nothing to be expected but rain and cold.

I'm working on finding a few fuck buddies in the local area.  Something to take the edge off.  Fill the gap (so to speak).

Tried a toy yesterday, yea, that is so not working for me.  I need real warm flesh.  The touch of a man.  That is what excites me.

Business has been slow the past couple of days, but Sunday and Mondays are my slow days.  I expected Tuesday to pick up, but I think the dispatch system might have been down so that would explain that.

I should ride my horse today.  I should go do cardio.  I should write some work blogs.  I should post items on craigslist to sell.  I should sleep.

I'm stressed about money.  I'm stressed that we aren't talking.

I'm thankful that I'm at least still hearing him say "I love you".