My Friday

Today is Wednesday for some, but Friday for me.  Why so early?  Because I want to rest and prepare for the wonderful weekend ahead.  So I am taking Thursday off.

It's the 4th of July weekend.  A time to celebrate our Independence.  A time to remember why we are free to do what we do and say what we think.  As our children are grown and away at college, we do not purchase mass quantities of fireworks any longer.  In past years, we have grown to celebrate the 4th by attending the St. Paul Rodeo, and watching a spectacular fireworks show afterwards.  The one song that will always make me cry.  Our National Anthem.

This 4th of July, we are breaking tradition.  On Friday, we are heading back to CornCob Ranch.  We have been working on the details of our living quarters in our horse trailer since Memorial Day.  Our Sanctuary we call it.  The water tank has been installed, the shelving, the large compartment that doubles as a bench and step to climb into the queen size pillow top mattress that so spoils us from ever ground camping again.

4 days of just us, riding our horses through the herds of cattle, across the rolling green hills, along the tree lines.  Finding places to stop, look, and listen to the beauty that surrounds us.  Just us.

We are taking the camera.  I'm hoping to find locations for some erotic outdoor shots.  Beautiful nature shots.  maybe even shots of us together.  We don't have enough of those.

Sunshine is in the forecast.  Warm weather, with open skies.  Oh to lie out on a blanket, naked, letting the rays dance across our skin.  Maybe find a creek or lake to cool off, splash and tease, to find that playfulness married couples sometimes forget they had.

And the nights.  The sweet and sensuous nights of love making.  That time for us to reconnect in our dreams.  It's been too long.

I've am looking forward to each and every day.

Floating On The Extreme Right Wing Of Caution

I'm stepping out onto the ledge of life once again.  All the experiences that lie ahead.  Passion, Tranquility, Spirituality, and Drama (God please no more drama).   It all awaits me.

What I cannot undo is the memories of the past few months.  Those memories, those feelings and realities, all are playing a role in how I address prospective relationships as well as current ones.

In the beginning of my swinging, when I used to focus mainly on couples, I had a specific rules of how I engaged in play. No matter what, the primary (wife) was always put in a position where she knew who I was and what I was about.  I was always very careful in that role as the 3rd person.  I knew I was the one invited in.  I was an outsider.  I was expendable.  I knew it, and I accepted it.  It is how it is done.  It is the right way to do it.

Sure, there were offers made.  But what I always made sure of, through my actions more than words, was that I was devoted to being a positive addition to their union or I was not going to be there at all.  I paid attention to the signs.  If I had the slightest idea that there was any problem, whether it be them or me, I would back off or drop completely out!  I did so on more than 1 occasion.  There was something not right for them.  I saw it and took enough responsibility to remove myself from the situation.  And so I thought, others would do the same.

The hard lesson learned..  Not everyone thinks on the same level of common sense and respect that I do.  I'm not saying I don't make mistakes, but I usually don't keep making the same mistakes.  I mean, how often can a "mistake" actually happen before it is recognized as a purposeful action.  A Pattern.

So now, as I step out and look down into this huge cavern of darkness, I have that knowledge, I'm watching closer at my own actions.  Probably reading more into a situation than I should, being more weary of what my attentions might cause, how they are interpreted.

I'm cautious.  I'm overly cautious.  I'm obsessively overly cautious.

I'm engaging at the moment, an idea, a prospect for further attention.  But am I on the edge of caution so far that I will be too cautious, give the feeling I am not interested or ambiguous to extending it further?  It weighs heavy on my mind.  Giving what is needed or desired, but holding back too much in order to keep from putting anyone else through what I have experienced.

I do know, if nothing else, I can do the right thing.

The Sanctuary

It's a place where we go to get away from it all.

A special place where he and I collaborate on something that is special to just us.  Where should this go, how should that work, what will this look like.

We have spent a lot of time there this summer already.  Preparing for upcoming journeys into the mountains or down to the beach.  Short excursions to events or trail rides.

When we are alone together, inside, the sound of rain is soothing.  The warmth of our bodies snuggled up under the fleece blankets and over abundance of pillows decorated in equestrian prints.  We are affectionate in this place.  We laugh.  We listen.  We love.

We share just about everything in our lives with others right now.

We share our time with others.
We share our bed with others.
We share our bodies with others.
We share our hearts with others.

This one place, I need to be ours.  Only ours.

It is our Sanctuary.

A Perfect First View

Her instructions to him.....

 

Tomorrow is going to be very special.  For both of us.  You are giving me a precious gift by selecting me out of all the women out there to play with.  I am honored and I want to make sure the experience is one you will remember with fondness and smile.

 

 A room has already been reserved. 

 

Please bring the following items with you.

1.  scented or unscented candles.  Small ones are fine.  Bring something to light them with.

2.  water.  we will be thirsty I am sure. 

3.  fruit.  A small amount of grapes or a couple of oranges.  A sugar.

4.  you will go to one of the bath shops at the local mall and purchase a bubble bath.  You choose the scent.

5.  you will also select a sponge or gloves which you will use to wash me with.

 

Arrive at the hotel at 4:00pm.

Text me when you arrive.

A key will be at the front desk waiting for you.

Ask the clerk for 4 additional towels.

Text me when you get into the room.

 

I should leave work by 5:00, but it could be later.

I may go home and get ready or I may come straight from work.

I will text you when I'm on my way, so be ready for me.

Depending upon the weather, there is a fireplace in the room and it should be on when I arrive.

The fruit will be nicely displayed on a plate on the bedside table.

2 waters will be next to the jacuzzi.  The other waters will be in the fridge.

The candles should be lit, the lights should be off, the curtains should be closed.

My bath will already be drawn and the bubbles will be fresh.  The gloves or sponge will be at the side of the tub, the towels close by.

 

I will text you when I arrive.  At that time, you will undress and sit on the side of the bed facing the window.  Your back to the door.

 

Your eyes will be closed and your hands in your lap when I walk in.  Do not look open your eyes, or attempt to look at me until i tell you to.

 

I will give you further instructions as to how you please me at that time.

 

If any of this is not clear then you need to communicate that to me prior to 4pm...

She slid the pass key into the door, listening for the click of the lock.  Entering the dark room, the scent of lavender filled the air.  She could see the fireplace flickering in the corner, the candles that had been placed upon the side of the jacuzzi.

She quietly shut the door behind her.  There was silence in the room.  She walked past the tub, noticing the soft white bubbles that lay across the top of the warm bath water, already drawn for her.  He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head down, his naked back illuminated against the candlelight, his black cowboy hat rested on his head, and his hands were folded in his lap.  He remained silent.

The clothing began to fall from her body.  She wanted him to hear every sound, so she made a point of slow methodical movements. The unbuckling of her belt, the sound of a zipper, each article of clothing making a sound as it hit the floor.  And she stood naked.  Listening.  She could feel his heart pound from across the room.

She looked around, noticing how perfect the room looked.  A tray of plump green grapes, two large round oranges, a perfectly shaped banana, and her favorite... giant sized strawberries, deep red, ripe, and juicy.  2 waters sat upon the side of the tub.  Something small tied in a ribbon was there.  She was proud of him.  He had done well.

She whispered to him to sit still and stay silent.  She told him how perfect the room looked, and how proud she was of the tasks he had accomplished.

He could feel her on the mattress now.  Her naked body climbing across the king size bed, approaching him from the back.  She leaned down, and inhaled his scent.  He gasped as her nose, ever so slightly brushed across his skin.  She did it again, and a gasp combined with a moan escaped his lips.  She could keep from touching him no longer.  Reaching up with one hand, her nails extended to his shoulder, and she gently ran them over his body, listening to his sounds.  She smiled to hear them and teased a while longer.

"Stay where you are until you are called for" she whispered into his ear.  Retreating back, she climbed from the bed and turned to climb into the warm, inviting bath.  She knew he was listening closely, and could hear the sound of the water as she lowered herself, moaning as the heated liquid relaxed and destressed her muscles.  Did he wonder, what the sound was as she lowered her head back and sank in, then rising, her hair now soaked, dark, and pushed back away from her face.

She knew he would be self conscious.  She leaned back under the bubbles, closed her eyes, and called for him.

"You may open your eyes now, and come to me". 

She could hear the sound of him immediately moving from the bed.  His footsteps as he approached her in the tub.  This was his first view of her, in the state he could only fantasize about.  He loved the way she looked.  Leaning back in the tub.  He couldn't believe it was him.

"Climb in the tub with me" she commanded, her eyes still closed, a smile on her face.  She pointed made a space for him next to her, across the tub, and he immediately entered the water, while commenting on her beauty.

She opened her eyes, and the saw each other for the first time in this way.  It was a perfect first view.

His hands felt strong and wonderful as he moved the suds and hot water across her skin.  The gift wrapped bundle on the side of the tub was a set of purple bathing gloves.  He put them on, and began to run them over her body, making her skin gleam against the warm glow of the room.  The bathing went on, the sensations growing.

The hot water took it's toll.  She began to feel light headed and asked him to remove her from the tub.  He grabbed one of the extra towels he had gotten from the clerk earlier, and began to remove the water droplets from her skin.  He helped her step from the tub, and dried some more.  She turned for him.  Holding her wet hair up in her hands, she left her entire body exposed for him to view.  She knew he longed for this.  She loved teasing him.  Building his desire for her.

The bed was soft as she laid face down across the comforter.  He moved next to her and began to rub her body.

"May I massage you?" he asked.

"Yes, you may" she granted, and smiled.

He stood, as she watched his naked body.  He looked great.  Strong in all the right places.  He moved to the table and opened a tall bottle of liquid.  Massage oil.  He had made a quick trip to the pharmacy earlier, but she didn't ask why.  Now it was clear.  The oil smelled wonderfully sexy.  It felt even better.   He moved his hands masterfully for the next hour or so.  The tensions, the stress, the knots of life leaving her body.  She smiled and enjoyed every second of pampering.

The massage ended with their bodies intertwined.  His mouth on her skin.  She pushed his lips down onto one erect nipple, as she placed his hand on the other.  He bit at first, but obeyed deliciously as she commanded him in the right pressures to please her.

She guided his hands to her pussy, giving him permissions to only touch the outside, pressure to her clit.  He moaned feeling how wet and swollen she had become.  He was to get to know her body.  The feeling of each mountain and valley.  Diving into sex would not have done that.  This was time for him to explore and learn from her.  He listened carefully.  He followed instructions wonderfully.

He was allowed to slide his fingers inside of her. Two at first, then three.  He was instructed to bring the moistened fingertips to his lips, and he gladly suckled the juices from them.  His eyes never leaving hers.  She was so close to cumming.  She was so close to fucking him.  She decided it was time to return to the tub.  And they did.

The water had cooled a bit, an even warm that allowed a longer stay, time enough for him to touch her often and how she liked.  Time for her to discover the wonderful secret of his sensitive nipples.  Time for their skin to pucker and prune.  But all well worth it.

Her orgasm was strong that night.  In the tub, riding on top of him.  One nipple in his mouth, his fingertips rolling the other.  She moaned and called out loudly as he brought her there.  She smiled and purred as he brought her down.  He listened carefully, he instantly reacted to every instruction she gave.  He wanted to please her.

And he did.

It's like this....

The day is moving slower, calmer.  Some assemblence of peace seems to be nearing.
I ask myself, since I am aware others read my blog, should I change the way I write?  To protect them from what my true feelings are?  To protect them from themselves?

The answer at this time is no, I don't think so.
I am happy that what I have to say is important.  That it makes a difference.  That I am making an impact where maybe my words were not being listened to before.  If your making the journey to check out my blog, then it is you who needs to take the responsibility for what you read.  For some, I am overjoyed that they finally visit.  I feel important.  I feel loved.

In past situations, I have taken the responsibility and acknowledged what I could control.  I stopped visiting the blogs that made me feel awkward.  I removed the feeds and status accounts from my sight.  I did not speak of or attempt to solicit information about the individuals.  So yes, I know it can be done.

I "out" no one on my blog.  I do not do a "he said" "she said" scenerio because that will only cause problems for the parties involved.

What I do, however, is tell my version of how I am feeling.  How the actions (or in actions in some cases) of others affect my life, my well being, my energy, my family.


My first attempts to communicate are always face to face, in person.  But when the door is shut in my face, when the manipulation turns on, I will retreat, I will reinforce the protective armour, and I will fight if you back me into a corner.

I don't fight with manipulation.  I never have.  I don't twist things around to be what I want them to be for the sole purpose of what I want to have my way.  I will however, call you on your bullshit.  I will tell you exactly how it is and where you stand.  I have done so from the beginning.  I will continue to do so till the end.

And so I will continue to write, and hope.....

Just Today

Work has been the one constant in my life these past few months.  I'm thankful to have a job as so many don't.  I'm thankful my job keeps my mind engaged and my body moving.  If it wasn't for this job, I could be sitting mindlessly at a desk job browsing the internet and looking for ways to cause trouble in peoples lives.

The one thing that is the most difficult about my job is the physical impact it has on my body.  Yes, I am literally moving all day long.  I don't have access to the internet tools I need from the auxillary warehouse and so I walk back and forth all day long, sometimes, just to communicate to my bosses who are not answering their phones.  The pace is fast, almost at a run.  There is always a schedule and there is no time for slow sauntering.  The weights of the boxes I lift daily range from 25lbs to 75lbs and are anywhere from 12x12 to 50x50...it just depends on what the job is.  The tendonitis in my elbows can be excruciating on certain days.  I am in physical pain most of the day.  I keep saying I don't want to be doing this when I'm 50. I better get my ass moving then.

This week, my boss is on vacation.  Something he should have done long ago.  This means the entire workload of daily fulfillment activities as well as the special projects are all on my plate.  Stressful, yes, but it keeps my mind occupied so I don't have to think about the stupid shit that is playing out in my life.  The problem is, I am just tired.  The sunshine that hit our city yesterday was warm and inviting.  I should have been out riding my horse after the 11 hour day.  But I just couldn't risk the drive out, the chance of my eyes closing on the road.

465 packages ship out today.  Another project immediately ships in and starts right afterwards.  There are only 10 shipments, but it requires processing of about 1500 graphic pieces.  There is a chance that 2 projects will arrive at the same time.  If so, add another 340 shipments.  One ships on Friday, the other on Monday.  No telling if that means I have to work or set up work for the weekend.  I never really know until the last minute.

There is a great amount of pride I take watching those shipments leave our warehouse.  The size of the jobs, of the graphics, of the coordination are not anything near rocket science, but it requires an attention to detail, the ability to micromanage or not, and a mind that can move quickly from one task to another, multitasking at warp speed.  But it always leaves on time if it's within my control.

2 pallets of sauces, ketchup, and mustards will ship today as well.  Each case moved once to count and a second time to be palletized.

I am good at what I do.  I am respected for my mind and what I can accomplish, who I am.  My integrity is not questioned, nor my motives.  I am trusted to make it all work, because the people I work with, even the clients who have never met me, know that the success of others, is the final goal, the priority of the company.  There are pits as with any job.  But they are nothing compared to the outside world.

Work is the safe place....

I'm looking forward to a bath.  A long hot bath with bubbles that reach to the top of my head.  The water from a sponge over my back.  The lather against my skin.

I'm looking forward to hands across my body.  The tensions of the week, mental and physical released as fingertips ripple across my skin.

I'm looking forward to closing my mind to the outside world.  Relaxing and letting it happen.

I'm looking forward to being taken care of.

Life Energy

There is energy in everything.

From the smallest pebble on the bottom of the deepest depths of the ocean, to the crystal of ice at the top of the highest mountain.

Our bodies are energy.  I vision it as a mass of glowing light.  Bright, beaming, giving the gift of life.  The ability to love.  The strength to shine brighter and release itself to those that need more.  The gift to re-energize.

I've always absorbed negative energy.  I'm not sure if there is a name for it, but if I'm around people who are negative, sad, in despair, or disrepair.  I absorb that negative and my own light tends to drain lower.  If not careful, I forget to refill, refuel, plug in and recharge.  Sleeping is a slow recharge for me.  But that is how the low energy manifests itself.  The best way for me to rebuild my positive energy is to be around those with a life energy that glows and radiates from their souls.

I have been away from a recharge for far too long.  I realized that when the energy presented itself, and my energy began to rebuild itself.  It was a short plug in.  But it gave me enough of a jump start that I can limp along the highway, till I find a place to stop, rest, and plug in again.

This energy I've found.  It's different than what I'm used to.  It has a different level, a different strength.  There is something about it that I can't explain.  Kind of like eating hamburger and finally tasting a steak.  It's still beef, but you know you have found a higher quality, and you want more.

I don't recharge myself from everyone.  I consciously do not recharge off my husband, my children, or certain people in my life.  Like a blood transfusion, not everyone has the same energy type.  I do have a small select group of friends.  We more or less throw energy into the air, and each of us takes what we need.  At times, one of us may need more than another, but nobody cares who takes how much as long as we all walk away no less energized.

I need to be careful not to over use, or abuse this new found light.  I felt bad for taking so much of it without even knowing.  Did I return any???  It seems precious.  Hard to find.  Hidden for so long.  But maybe I wasn't supposed to find it until now.

I'm turning a corner now, hold on tight, but it's an important part of this post.

There is a box.  It is ornate.  A gold clasp that keeps the lid tightly closed.  When the box opens, there are things that float out.  Small, mostly golden, shining, sparkling.  Some have wings.  It's a box of mystery.  I want to step closer to it, look down inside of it, and if my suspicions are correct, there is more to the bottom of that box than I can see from this mere glance.

And when I closed my eyes, it was a wolf that I saw.  The grey muzzle, the black nose.  The eyes, I couldn't see, but I suspect they were dark.  I'll look closer next time.

Giving A Rip

Gliding along and not caring seems to be working for me.

I'm laughing still.  I'm on the angry side of annoyed.

Was hoping to skip that part.

Annoyed at the situation.

Annoyed at the actions of others.

Annoyed that I believed and trusted.

Annoyed at myself for opening up.

That was my fault.  Believing, trusting.

Won't happen that easily ever again.

I'm venturing out.  Bringing my rope out.

Opportunities are there.

A new group of friends, playmates, fuckbuddies, and maybe one special someone.

Work, Dance, Volunteer, Fuck...whatever it takes.

If it makes it feel better to say I'm "over it" or "in a better place", then by all means, fill in the blank to your own desires.

I'm where I am.  That's not someplace you want to visit with me.

The sad part is.

It could have been so different.

Even worse, I really don't give a Fuck!

Laughing Out Loud

I have to laugh.
It's part of who I am.
It's one of the things I have missed about myself.
I let that go, shame on me.

Laughing is something that brings out the best in me.
Pissed off, annoyed, crying, heartbreak, dealing with Ms. Drama Extraordinaire...
Those things are all nothing I want part of.
But laughing, that just puts it all into perspective.

So I find new humor in my current situation.
Humor in the actions of others.
Humor in how to deal with those actions.
Part of the humor, is just to not react.

I spent most of yesterday laughing, litteraly laughing.
It felt awesome!
Posts that made me realize I can turn anything into humor.
People who can laugh with me are there.
Even though they know nothing.
But yet, they know everything.
Thank you to that community.

But the material I have is short lived.
The drama will cease soon.
That is just writing on the wall.
So I will get as much humor as I can out of this situation.
And continue to laugh out loud.

Saying I'm Sorry

It was almost a year ago.
The party that started it all.

She was upset about something.
But I didn't know what it was.

The permissions were granted.
I followed the stated.

I didn't know at that time.
It was the unstated that was overstepped.

I now understand.
And I am so sorry I was part of her pain.

I am so sorry I didn't see it.
I am so sorry I didn't understand it.

If she had tried to explain it.
Would we even have listened?

I like to think I would have.
But now I don't know.

Maybe, just maybe.
It took living through the pain for me to realize.

I will be more careful next time.
To watch and listen more closely.

Words say only what we want to hear.
Actions speak the truth, show the intent.

She deserved better.
I should have known better.

And so I want to say...
I am so sorry.

Date Night

Last night was Date Night.
This is a night we set up to just spend only us time together.
Go to dinner at a special place.  Sit close and talk intimately.
We looked deeply into each others eyes, knowing our love is just building stronger.
Does that seem possible?

After dinner, we came home, walked directly into the bedroom, and shut the door.
The rest of night, we touched the naked skin of the other, gasps, moans, the sounds of our bodies joined together and moving in rythmatic waves.
Falling asleep exhausted and sweaty in each others arms.

This was a night we were supposed to plan every month.
It had fallen off the charts.
We lost track of what was important.  Truly important.
We went along with our "wants" and lost track of the " need" to make each other the top priority.
Over and above the wants and desires of others.
Our children really, are the only ones who "need" anything from us.
Everyone else, will learn their place.
To sit patiently, silently, and wait until we are done.

Every marriage, every relationship has it's ups and downs.
Ours has been like a roller coaster these past few months.
Yes, I know the exact date and what took place when the roller coaster started moving.
The reasons are for those very different than the fantasies created.
But none of that matters right now.
All I know is that something clicked last week.
Something made him notice what was happening to us.
Whatever it was, he began to take steps to repair the black hole that was created.
We are repairing it together.

Our next Date Night is already scheduled.

The priorities are clear.

The priority is US.

Open Arms

A few lucky people have a song.

For us, that special song, our special song is "Open Arms" by Journey.

The song we listened to as high school sweethearts.

The song we played as I walked down the aisle.

The song, the music, the lyrics that well outlines the journey we have taken to get to where we are, at any point in our lives together.

As our lives change, as our hearts break and repair, people come in and fade out, some negative, some positive, choices and assumptions... the words of the song continue to hold true to us, our love, and our eternal existence in this life, those lives that were previous, and those lives still to come.  "We sailed on together, we drifted apart, and here you are by my side"...

Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine.
Softly you whisper, your're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side

So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay.