warning...nothing sexy in this post...just ramblings/rants....so just warning you....
I have a good friend who is just getting into the BDSM community and seems to have found the same love for rope as I have. He has a date this weekend and I am so excited for him. She wants to be tied up and I offered to be a test dummy for him so he would have a little practice before the big event.
Margaritas and balsamic hummus were an awesome start to the evening, especially after a shitty day at work (for another post).
His wife had taken their girls to dinner and a movie so we would have time for a couple of hours of practice. Hard to explain to the kids why daddy is tying up the stranger lady in mommy and daddys bedroom.....
I had him blindfold me. One reason, I am really bad about being Toppy and I would have had a comment about his knots or how he was tying if I could see. The other reason...I just needed to let go for a few minutes, let something have time off...I need that so bad right now.
About 30 minutes into practice, a guy a get to play with right now showed up. I had off handedly offered that he could join us if he was bored, but he usually has other things going on so i was pretty sure he wasn't going to be there. Turns out I was wrong. It was good for him to be there though, helped my friend with some different ties, and it felt good being blindfolded and in the presence of two men I totally trusted and the freaking truth is, nothing happened, except rope.
Went for a drink afterward with the playmate. Discussed the situation over the past weekend, some "assignment" type articles that really didn't make sense to me, but it's what he wanted so I was willing to do that. I don't know, the conversation probably wasn't what I was hoping for, but then, I need to stop hoping and just let happen what happens. One part of it, the part that kind of got under my skin was the term "if your looking for a relationship"...ok, WTF? I remember both of us saying "not planning on changing any of what we have now" ..meaning our marriages...our family status..it was safe..thats why he was a great playmate..i didn't have to worry about any of that. So now, when he says this to me, it just pisses me off.. Like,,What the fuck did I do or say that made you think I was looking for anything more than a playmate?...So pretty much, didn't get past that whole thing in my mind.. We talked about other stuff...not sure what...my brain was ready to explode and I felt like I was heading into that self destructive side. Things get to be out of my control and it's easier to just push it all away and start over later. I've walked away before. It's my reactionary side, my protective shield...remove yourself from it and it' goes away....yea, learned by hurting myself and other people that I loved that isn't the way to handle the situation.
I have a pattern in my personality that i get annoyed if people read into me what they think I'm thinking, feeling, what my perspective is. They can't know whats' in my head, and just because it's in theirs, doens't mean that is me or my reactions. Then again, I don't tell them much about what my perceptions are either. They ask, and I usually tell them what I think they want to hear...well, used to anyway...now I just don't tell them at all. Easier that way. changing the subject is what I do best. Gotten quite good at it.
But then, I think about what he said. Relationship. Yea, maybe he's right, but i'm not looking for a "relationship" like in the normal terms...but yes, I am looking for something more committed where I'm not just "fun to play with" (I'm so sick of hearing that term) but I'm actually something IMPORTANT, something DESIRED for. I want to be a FAVORITE thing in someones life, if even for just a short time. I don't need a lifelong committment, I have that in my husband. I certainly don't need monogomous, fuck, that just messes with everything. I do, however, ask for more than just a 2 hour playsession once a week. And maybe that's what he is saying is too much. And I realized, I had let too much of my control go. It was too early. I knew not to do that. FUCK!
He asked what I want. Hopefully, by tonight, I will actually get the balls to speak it. but this morning...all I want to do is tuck back under the covers and sleep until it doesn't feel like this anymore.
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