Traditions Old and New

I’ve never had many traditions in my life growing up.  We had one thing I remember, and that was our Christmas stockings.  They were those long white old fashioned sock stockings that seemed to stretch sideways with no limitations.  I remember boxes of crayons, matchbox cars, a roll of scotch tape, an egg of silly putty.   A candy cane, carmels, and hard squigly candies that came with a coating of lint from the stocking.  A jawbreaker bigger than my mouth, brightly colored sweedish gummy fish from Newberrys, and at the very bottom, a large juicy ripe Orange.

Also, there was The Cinnamon Bear radio show.  5 days a week, starting on Thanksgiving evening, we would sit quietly for 30 minutes and listen to Jimmy and Judy and PaddyO Cinnamon chase the Crazy Quilt Dragon looking for their silver star to place atop the Christmas Tree.

And on the dark side, every summer, the lady on the end would get into a fight with her new boyfriend, they would come crashing through the screen door, out onto the front lawn, where they would fight and she would end up stabbing him.

I know, not the faery tale life, but then again, I don't have one now either.

I created traditions in our childrens lives so that they would have something special to remember.  I attempted to bring all that was shared with me about my husband life growing up, the traditions they had into the lives of our children as well.  What they remember or liked about any of those traditions, may be seen in years to come if they themselves carry on with those same traditions or if they bring them into the lives of their own children.  Yes, one day, I would love to have grandchildren.

But this post isn’t about those traditions. It’s about the feelings I am having watching what traditions my husband and I shared together, slowly disintegrate and drift away.  Little by little, there is nothing left.  And while he is the one making these decisions, there is a part of me that also blames his submissive for her part in all of this.  Right or wrong, it’s how I feel, so fucking deal with it, because I have to.

I have struggled to maintain some sort of normalcy in our lives since we decided to open our marriage and allow love, sex, and non monogamous interactions with others.  I always thought that the examples I was setting, would be seen as a doorway of how to do things properly.  If I was doing something in those examples that was wrong, it certainly was not communicated to me.  The rules that we set forth TOGETHER would have no problem being followed simply because they were agreed upon by both of us.  I was so fucking naïve.

When our children left home many asked what would we do now that we had an empty house.  I wasn’t worried because we shared so much, I thought.  We had the horses, we loved bull riding, and went to the rodeo every year.  We wanted to camp.  There was so much ahead for us.

Now, he doesn’t hardly ride his horse except for Sorting and trails if we go camping.  Now, I find myself camping alone for 2 nights because he had no priority of his marriage and would not reschedule a weekly playdate in order to maintain our tradition of our Friday/Saturday/Sun camping trips.  Now I find myself going to the Ross Coleman Invitational alone on Friday night, because again, his playdate is more important than the traditions in our marriage.  Yes, this makes me angry beyond belief.  Yes, it makes me sad as well.  And yes, it makes letting him go that much easier for every tradition, every holiday, everything that he shows he cares less and less about, including me.

I will say, we did go to the 4^th of July rodeo at St Paul this year and we did see the bull riding event in St Paul so there were 2 things we were able to hold onto for now.  I don’t hold much hope though.  Not if I’m truthful with myself.

Now, I find myself creating my own traditions.  I will have to make my own arrangements to continue to do the things I enjoy doing, that we enjoyed doing together, but that I find he doesn’t find as important anymore.  I find that the only person I should rely on, is going to be me.  I was a fool for believing it could be any other way.