EVERYTHING!
Over the past few days, I have had to acknowledge the truth, and believe me, it hurt, but it is the truth.
I am in a Sexless Marriage.
It's not like this is the first time. I realize that. It was there long before any of this other crap ever started. We had become two good friends, sleeping together, loving the person in bed next to us. The routine was the same, but we rarely had sex. The difference was, at that time, there was no other person he was having sex with.
Fast forward to now. Because now really is the only time that matters. This isn't about other people. This is about me, my husband, my marriage, my relationship with the man I care about, I adore, I have loved since I was 16 years old, and who I still am in love with. Keywords "IN LOVE WITH".
That's right. I don't just love my husband, I am IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND. Maybe that is why it seems so hard to see what we have become.
Together, a few months ago, we made this list of rules, guidelines, something to get us back on track so that he could continue his Dominant/submissive relationship and our marriage could continue to evolve without everything imploding. I needed structure, I needed basic ground rules, I needed to know what to expect. I don't do well with uncertainty. My mind begins to spin and then all kinds of monsters come crawling out from behind the rocks.
So one of the rules we agreed to was regarding sex. It was bothering me that my husband was not having sex with me, but was having sex with someone else 2-3 times (if not more) a week. The understanding we came to was that we shouldn't be having sex with someone else if we can't give that to our spouse. Seemed simple at the time.
What I have had to acknowledge, looking back on the past 2 months, is that I have been getting sex. I get it one time per week, on the morning that he is about to go on a 12-24 hour date. I termed it as "pity sex".
That kind of sex where you know it's your responsibility to service her, and it's not that you don't like to, it's just that you really have no urge to. But you did agree to do it, so flip the covers off, roll her over, insert penis, and deposit. Tell her you love her, roll off, go take a shower, then your free to look forward to the night ahead without feeling like you haven't met your side of the bargain.
Wow, makes a girl feel so special.
I went to Vegas this past weekend. It was a business trip. He had his overnight date planned, no biggy. They had a date Thursday night, but he had no plans to fuck that night, so my pity sex was saved for Friday morning before my flight. When I came home from Vegas, I wanted so bad to be held tight and snuggled up, wanted, desired, to have him make love with me.
I did get a warm embrace, I did get snuggles when we crawled into bed, and I did get I love yous. No love making. Monday, same thing, I was snuzzling up to him on the couch, but I was getting no reaction. Tuesday, I got him in bed, and began giving him a blow job, only to hear him start to snore about 10 minutes into it.
This past Friday, he had a date planned. As usual, I felt the covers thrown off me on Friday morning and he started to roll me over on my back. I made the decision at that moment, that I would no longer accept pity fucks. I rolled him back and told him no. He laid there a few minutes, said he loved me, and went and took his shower. We didn't speak of it again.
His date lasted from 6pm to 4am. I wondered why he came home early. It was because he had to work on Saturday morning at 7am. Not much sleep and after a long night of Dominating a needy submissive. He was wiped out. He came home after work in the early afternoon and napped. I woke him up at about 5pm so we could go check into the Hotel for our date.
Yes, "our date". We had planned a date night for Saturday. A hotel I had told him about where they had jacuzzi tubs big enough for 2 and since we had not been able to do our dinner dates in the past 3 months, I thought, why not. I've spent wonderful romantic nights in these tubs with others, why shouldn't it be with the one man I love.
Problem was he slept through 90% of the night in the hotel, and, you guessed it, I still didn't get any physical love, and at this time, still haven't.
So how do I deal with this? It's simple. I'm numb. I'm burying myself in work, building my business of talking to men to do find me attractive, alluring, sexually exciting. Men who would adore touching me, holding me, making me feel special and wanted. Men who tell me everyday, how lucky my husband is.
Someone likes to use the term "putting up emotional walls". They aren't walls for me, nor do I need to tell him in order to get him to give me attention. He doesn't see she says it to everyone. It's how she gets attention. I've thought about it, maybe even tried for that attention. It's just not me. Nor, do I want to be that kind of person, one who controls and manipulates through emotional bondage. Maybe someday he will see if for what it is. It's annoying and I would like to protect him from it, but he shut me out of protecting him long ago.
I'm shutting down inside. I know that. I'm not making myself desireable to him that way, I know that too. But when I was being happy, feeling romantic, trying to show him just how much he was loved and wanted, I wasn't getting desire from him either. So I'm just pulling back. If he decides he wants me, desires me, well then of course I want it. But I have to accept, it's not something I should hope for anymore.
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