You Asked Me Not To Give Up On You

But I am.

I don't want to chase anymore.  Not for someone who doesn't see me, who doesn't desire me, who doesn't want me.

I'm tired.  I ask of you one simple thing.  Let me go if you can't find desire for me.

I want more from my life than just a room mate.  My marriage vows were important.  They were forever.  No, I don't want to be friends later.  No, I don't want to be lovers later.  No, I don't want any of those things we once shared.  Take the things, the passions, the memories.  They will only bring me pain.  Pain of something that once was.  Something I so believed in would be forever.

My mother told me many times, never count on a man for your happiness.  Very few things my mother told me did I take to heart.  I watched her live a very unhappy life.  I swore I would not live or die that way.

I remember pushing you away long ago when I was 16 and figuring out I was falling in love with you and not able to handle being away from you.  It was then that you told me to you would be with me forever.  And I believed you.  I counted on you.  I'll never regret that decision.  My life with you was not wasted.  Just the last year has been.

My regrets all lie in this past year.  Of what we were in the January of 2011.  How strong and caring and loving and passionate we were for each other.  And now, a year later.  It's gone.  But I won't take responsibility for the death.  I tried to be open and sharing and give everything that you wanted, everything you said you needed.  And what I got in return, was all a lie.  All the things we agreed would never happen.  They have happened.  I find that what you really needed was something far more needy, clingy, and toxic.  Something that consumed you and made your life all but relaxing and peaceful.  I don't apologize for not being those things.  They are not me.  I cannot and do not aspire to be any of it.

I wanted to share my life with you.  I wanted you to share your life with me.  But you can't, or you won't.  I haven't figured that out yet.  Just loving me isn't enough.  I want, I deserve more than that.  I deserve desire.  I deserve affection.  I deserve to be part of someones life who relishes in what I have to offer.

At this point, I search for affection from strangers, and I find it.  But it's not love.  Not the love I wanted and needed from the one person I devoted my life to.

I'm fading from you and I don't know if we will make it past this point.  I'm losing hope.