Numbness

I went to bed early the night before.  With no desire to try.  Just sleep.  I felt someone climb in beside me.  Wrap their arms around me.  But still, it only feels like the arms of someone who cares.  Not someone who is in love with me.  And so it hurts even more.

We had our Wednesday night together.  A night when we are supposed to go to the club.  Find others to tie.  Practice our talents.  His "bathroom break" was really just an excuse to go "check in" with her.  I'm not stupid or naive.  It shouldn't matter, except that he never bothers to "check in" with me when hes on a date with her.  Why do I care so much when I know theres no hope.  I wish I could just shut my mind off.

Sometime in the short hours of sleep that we had, he began to touch me.  It felt good.  I let it flow.  But the toxic thoughts of why just kept running through my head.  It didn't feel like the love we used to make.  I kept silent.  He had told me he didn't like it when I talked.  So I lie there not really knowing how to enjoy the few moments he gave me.  I've put him in that position of no matter what he does, it's not right.   But I don't trust anyone anymore, and that, I do blame others for.

It will be a long 2 weeks.  I'll see him a bit tonight, and then, really, not again until Sunday night.  Then maybe a total of 12 hours before a party and then a weekend focused on trying to sell my stamps and other personal things to empty our storage.

Selling the M&M collections.  Selling the Coca-Cola collections.  Selling my Stamping supplies and stamps.  All of it is a slow way of chipping away at any memories we have.  All that will be left are pictures.  Maybe that's for the better.  Nothing to divide, nothing to fight over.  But then, I gave up fighting months ago.