Kinkfest is coming in a few days. I can bury myself in the needs of other. People who want me there. Feeling sorry for myself? Hmmm, maybe...but it is HOW I FEEL and right now, I get to make myself #1 because nobody else is.
Today I worked. I got calls, made people happy, excited to talk to me. People went to my website, looked at my pictures and wanted me. That right there lifted my spirits. Marketed myself, my business. I am going to be successful at this, I believe that. I am working with such a talented group of women. None of them want to see me fail either. I need that unity right now.
There are people at Sesso looking forward to seeing me again too. How can I not smile about that. Still. I can't find happiness in my heart. How I wish I would just fall head over heals in love with someone and not look back. But I know me. I'll always look back. It's my personality. Holidays will be the worst.
Kyrie is skyping with us tonight. She always asks me if we are doing ok. I always lie to her. What am I supposed to tell her. NO? No Kyrie, we are doing really bad and very soon, your father and I will probably not be together anymore. Not because we don't love each other. What is the reason? Should I just live like this the rest of my life? Unfulfilled with no affection? Waiting for his relationship to end? Even when it does end (and yes, I know it will sooner or later), do I want him to only come back to me because he has nothing else? If he can't find passion and desire for me now, why would I accept being the rebound?
I wondered if we should separate for awhile. To see if he would realize what he was letting go. But Why? Why make myself wait around for something that isn't for me anymore. God I'm feeling stupid. Stupid for believing, stupid for coming back, stupid to think love really would come through as the strongest link. I was so fucking wrong.
So I spent my day working. Burying myself. And thinking about it constantly.
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