Thursday, August 30, 2012
The Chosen Family
Last week, we celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary. The Wednesday before, his submissive was injured badly but nothing critical and was hospitalized. He was vigilant to her bedside Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Saturday and Sunday we stayed at home. Not much happened. Monday, was our anniversary. I had only gotten him a card. A simple one with a small message that I'm sure didn't give much hope to us working this out. He in return, gave me nothing. No card, no gift. Second year in a row for no gift. Does any of this sound familiar?
As I sat on the couch beside him, he said he thought we should go to the beach. I accept the offer and we spontaneously jumped in the car and went. It took me awhile to relax with him. But this type of spontaneous is what I have been missing and so I began to enjoy myself. We drove to Seaside along Hwy 30. Had Mexican food for lunch, and then walked out to look at the ocean for about 30 minutes before heading back to the car. We hadn't been to Seaside since the night after our last therapist meeting together, when he told me he needed to check in with his sub because he hadn't told her where he was going. There's a blog post about that somewhere in here.
Down Hwy 101 we drove through the day. At Manzanita beach we stopped and walked out onto the sand. There, we sat against a log, watching the beauty of the beach, the ocean, and trying to hold on. Back in the car, we continued to drive, finally hitting Lincoln City. It was getting late and we needed dinner. As we searched for a place to eat, he asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to get a hotel room overlooking the ocean, have dinner, and stay the night at the beach (something I've wanted for quite some time). We booked a room at The Inn At Spanish Head, a resort hotel on the beach. We dined on the 10th floor, overlooking the ocean. It was comfortable.
I asked him that night in the hotel room, what might happen if/when his submissive and her husband were no longer. How she would rely on him to be the one and only solice for her. He told me he couldn't take on that role. I wanted to believe him.
The next morning, she was to go into surgery. He texted with her until she was scheduled to go under. And we headed home. He had a lesson in the evening. Then, he went to the hospital to be there when his sub got out of surgery.
Wednesday, he texted me about her status, and I tried to be supportive. I had not said anything against his need to be at her bedside. I just let it go. Wednesdsay night at 2:30am my phone rang. It was his submissive. Crying uncontrollably and asking for my husband. I gave him the phone. She had run out of pain meds and the nurses were getting the orders to give more. She was in pain, I understand that. But what happened next, I cannot think anyone would be ok with. My husband asked me if he could get out of our bed at 3am to go be with his submissive in the hospital. If I had said no, then once again, I am the monster,, the villian, the wicked which of the west. He would have laid there feeling resentful and she would have demonized me to all of the community for something she herself would not have allowed to happen to her. Where was her husband, her family? I know the pain was great, but to call someone elses husband in the middle of the night to come be with you in the hospital, where there are people to take care of you, and it isn't like they are going to let you sit there all night without pain medication. This is an example of the disrespect I have been shown throughout the affair.
Yes, that is how I view it. It turned from a D/s relationship with the primary relationship being our marriages, to an affair. I do not condone the affair, I don't even like it, but it is something that he will refuse to change and that is his choice. He will be the one who has to live with his choices.
The rest of the week, he was in her hospital room every night. She was to go home over the weekend and so he stayed home as well. Already disconnected from him in order to preserve some portion of dignity and to keep from throwing glass objects at him, I remain quiet.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
In Darkness
Darkened creatures from Outer Space,
pain that turns your blood to paste.
The inner you that shreds apart,
from you to them a new life starts.
And ashes lie where once there was love,
the clouds of others turn above.
A wind of change is coming through,
your last breath wishes for safe and new.
You’ve joined the creatures with blackened hearts,
they too feel when sorrow starts.
And feed upon any light that tries,
as hopes and dreams and forever dies.
Well THAT Didn't Help
Last night we went to cow sorting. He had been overly attentive all day long via text. That is the norm for after an argument when he has been neglecting me. But its forced and I feel it. Just like when he has sex with me after I tell him I can't live without affection. It happens once, maybe twice if I'm lucky. Imagine that. Considering myself lucky just because my husband has sex with me. Yea, I know, pretty fucking pitiful.
Anyway, we got to the sorting late and there wasn't our normal parking area available so he chose to park next to his submissives trailer. Not that we couldn't have parked over on the other side or at least farther away from her trailer, but like so close my horse could have kicked out and busted her side mirror (hmmmmm).
Anyway, when we are all the way across the lot, I can have that space between she and I where I can get away when I can't stand the sight of her face or the sound of her annoying voice. Parked right next to her, really? Nice incensitivity.
So yea, I was pretty upset. My horse was acting stupid. I really had a sucky time.
I really need to just stop going.
Anyway, we got to the sorting late and there wasn't our normal parking area available so he chose to park next to his submissives trailer. Not that we couldn't have parked over on the other side or at least farther away from her trailer, but like so close my horse could have kicked out and busted her side mirror (hmmmmm).
Anyway, when we are all the way across the lot, I can have that space between she and I where I can get away when I can't stand the sight of her face or the sound of her annoying voice. Parked right next to her, really? Nice incensitivity.
So yea, I was pretty upset. My horse was acting stupid. I really had a sucky time.
I really need to just stop going.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Traditions Old and New
I’ve never had many traditions in my life growing up. We had one thing I remember, and that was our
Christmas stockings. They were those long white
old fashioned sock stockings that seemed to stretch sideways with no
limitations. I remember boxes of crayons,
matchbox cars, a roll of scotch tape, an egg of silly putty. A candy cane, carmels, and hard squigly candies that came with a
coating of lint from the stocking. A
jawbreaker bigger than my mouth, brightly colored sweedish gummy fish from
Newberrys, and at the very bottom, a large juicy ripe Orange.
Also, there was The Cinnamon Bear radio show. 5 days a week, starting on Thanksgiving evening, we would sit quietly for 30 minutes and listen to Jimmy and Judy and PaddyO Cinnamon chase the Crazy Quilt Dragon looking for their silver star to place atop the Christmas Tree.
And on the dark side, every summer, the lady on the end would get into a fight with her new boyfriend, they would come crashing through the screen door, out onto the front lawn, where they would fight and she would end up stabbing him.
I know, not the faery tale life, but then again, I don't have one now either.
I created traditions in our childrens lives so that they
would have something special to remember.
I attempted to bring all that was shared with me about my husband life
growing up, the traditions they had into the lives of our children as
well. What they remember or liked about
any of those traditions, may be seen in years to come if they themselves carry
on with those same traditions or if they bring them into the lives of their own
children. Yes, one day, I would love to
have grandchildren.
But this post isn’t about those traditions. It’s about the feelings I am having watching what traditions my husband and I shared together, slowly disintegrate and drift away. Little by little, there is nothing left. And while he is the one making these decisions, there is a part of me that also blames his submissive for her part in all of this. Right or wrong, it’s how I feel, so fucking deal with it, because I have to.
I have struggled to maintain some sort of normalcy in our
lives since we decided to open our marriage and allow love, sex, and non monogamous
interactions with others. I always
thought that the examples I was setting, would be seen as a doorway of how to
do things properly. If I was doing something in those examples that was wrong, it certainly was not communicated to me. The rules that we
set forth TOGETHER would have no problem being followed simply because they
were agreed upon by both of us. I was so
fucking naïve.
When our children left home many asked what would we do now
that we had an empty house. I wasn’t
worried because we shared so much, I thought.
We had the horses, we loved bull riding, and went to the rodeo every
year. We wanted to camp. There was so much ahead for us.
Now, he doesn’t hardly ride his horse except for Sorting and
trails if we go camping. Now, I find
myself camping alone for 2 nights because he had no priority of his marriage and would not reschedule
a weekly playdate in order to maintain our tradition of our Friday/Saturday/Sun
camping trips. Now I find myself going
to the Ross Coleman Invitational alone on Friday night, because again, his
playdate is more important than the traditions in our marriage. Yes, this makes me angry beyond belief. Yes, it makes me sad as well. And yes, it makes letting him go that much easier for every tradition, every holiday, everything that he shows he cares less and less about, including me.
I will say, we did go to the 4th of July rodeo at St Paul this year and we did see the bull riding event in St Paul so there were 2 things we were able to hold onto for now. I don’t hold much hope though. Not if I’m truthful with myself.
Now, I find myself creating my own traditions. I will have to make my own arrangements to
continue to do the things I enjoy doing, that we enjoyed doing together, but
that I find he doesn’t find as important anymore. I find that the only person I should rely on,
is going to be me. I was a fool for
believing it could be any other way.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Happy Mothers Day
Not really.
I'm hurt. What's new right?
I got a beautiful card.
I got time to physically be together without interruptions of the relationships with others.
But no Mothers Day gift.
This started Mothers Day last year. That GodAwful weekend when I shared my special day and my daughters graduation weekend doing what I thought was the right thing to do. Not realizing I would be in this fucked up mess still a year later.
No Mothers Day gift last year, no Anniversary gift, and when we had to cancel our anniversary weekend, I was promised we would still get to go, and that hasn't happened. No Valentines day gift. And now a year later, no Mothers Day gift again.
What's the definition of insanity? Continuing to believe I can still salvage a relationship that is already dead? Yea, that's what it feels like.
I deserve better than this. I deserve to be treated better than this. I deserve to be special to someone.
And someday, I will be.
I'm hurt. What's new right?
I got a beautiful card.
I got time to physically be together without interruptions of the relationships with others.
But no Mothers Day gift.
This started Mothers Day last year. That GodAwful weekend when I shared my special day and my daughters graduation weekend doing what I thought was the right thing to do. Not realizing I would be in this fucked up mess still a year later.
No Mothers Day gift last year, no Anniversary gift, and when we had to cancel our anniversary weekend, I was promised we would still get to go, and that hasn't happened. No Valentines day gift. And now a year later, no Mothers Day gift again.
What's the definition of insanity? Continuing to believe I can still salvage a relationship that is already dead? Yea, that's what it feels like.
I deserve better than this. I deserve to be treated better than this. I deserve to be special to someone.
And someday, I will be.
Monday, March 26, 2012
A Weekend Of Clarity
This past weekend was supposed to be a special event weekend for us. We talked about it, planned for it, we were looking forward to getting to share our experiences and classes together. Months ago, we put together our plan. He and I would go to classes during the day together or separate and meet up after. I would let him take his submissive to the parties for the evenings. After all, the parties are where he would be able to show off his abilities and it was the right place for him to spend time with her.
She was, of course, upset that I would even dare want part of that weekend to be about me and my husband, for how dare I actually expect to have time with him considering he was HER Dominant. I really should learn my place don't you think...
So as our relationship started deteriorating more and more, other options for me have started to show themselves. Stuart asked me to help him with sales at his vendors booth and I was asked to hold a prestigious position as a Lead Dungeon Monitor for the large Kinkfest parties. This would take up a large amount of my time and also give me free registration for the event. I needed this to keep me focused on anything but my almost non-existent marriage. I didn't want to be something he had to fit into his schedule with his submissive. This allowed me to just worry about me and he could go be with who he wanted to be with. I just didn't care. Yet I did. Stupid place to be. Stupid way to feel. But it is exactly how I felt.
Over the weekend, I was hit with how important I really wasn't to him. Friday, Saturday, nights, I went home, alone, and not once did he bother to check on me and make sure I made it home safely. He just didn't care. Being beside someone else was more important to him. It hurt the first night, it was annoying the second night.
As I saw him in the hallway at the end of the event, he was waiting for his sub to come out of the restroom. He asked me for a hug. It felt uncomfortable. Forced. I didn't feel loved. I felt warmer receiving hugs from pure strangers during the day that I was just meeting than from the man I've spent the last 28 years with. He told me they were done and leaving for home now. I still had to clean up in the vending and pack up the cars. He was going to feed the horses. I figured he'd be home by the time I got there and then off to feed the horses.
I guess they just couldn't tear themselves away from each other, because I got home from the event 30 minutes before he did, even after cleaning up and loading out. I guess again, I felt lied to that they were leaving. Again, proving to me, that seeing me after being away from me for a whole weekend, was definately not a priority in his life. We were supposed to have dinner together. I didn't want to see him now. So i texted him I was not hungry and was going to bed. I took a shower, popped down 3 sleeping pills, and went into a deep sleep. It felt wonderful to just disappear and not have to think about the mental and physical pain I was in.
He has been attentive today. But its probably all to late. He said he's getting the money he has coming to him for his bonus. I'm sure it will give him everything he needs to treat his submissive to all the wonderful special dinners and gifts she deserves. I don't want any of it. I just want him to admit he doesn't really care anymore and to let me go so I can find someone who will love me.
She was, of course, upset that I would even dare want part of that weekend to be about me and my husband, for how dare I actually expect to have time with him considering he was HER Dominant. I really should learn my place don't you think...
So as our relationship started deteriorating more and more, other options for me have started to show themselves. Stuart asked me to help him with sales at his vendors booth and I was asked to hold a prestigious position as a Lead Dungeon Monitor for the large Kinkfest parties. This would take up a large amount of my time and also give me free registration for the event. I needed this to keep me focused on anything but my almost non-existent marriage. I didn't want to be something he had to fit into his schedule with his submissive. This allowed me to just worry about me and he could go be with who he wanted to be with. I just didn't care. Yet I did. Stupid place to be. Stupid way to feel. But it is exactly how I felt.
Over the weekend, I was hit with how important I really wasn't to him. Friday, Saturday, nights, I went home, alone, and not once did he bother to check on me and make sure I made it home safely. He just didn't care. Being beside someone else was more important to him. It hurt the first night, it was annoying the second night.
As I saw him in the hallway at the end of the event, he was waiting for his sub to come out of the restroom. He asked me for a hug. It felt uncomfortable. Forced. I didn't feel loved. I felt warmer receiving hugs from pure strangers during the day that I was just meeting than from the man I've spent the last 28 years with. He told me they were done and leaving for home now. I still had to clean up in the vending and pack up the cars. He was going to feed the horses. I figured he'd be home by the time I got there and then off to feed the horses.
I guess they just couldn't tear themselves away from each other, because I got home from the event 30 minutes before he did, even after cleaning up and loading out. I guess again, I felt lied to that they were leaving. Again, proving to me, that seeing me after being away from me for a whole weekend, was definately not a priority in his life. We were supposed to have dinner together. I didn't want to see him now. So i texted him I was not hungry and was going to bed. I took a shower, popped down 3 sleeping pills, and went into a deep sleep. It felt wonderful to just disappear and not have to think about the mental and physical pain I was in.
He has been attentive today. But its probably all to late. He said he's getting the money he has coming to him for his bonus. I'm sure it will give him everything he needs to treat his submissive to all the wonderful special dinners and gifts she deserves. I don't want any of it. I just want him to admit he doesn't really care anymore and to let me go so I can find someone who will love me.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Numbness
I went to bed early the night before. With no desire to try. Just sleep. I felt someone climb in beside me. Wrap their arms around me. But still, it only feels like the arms of someone who cares. Not someone who is in love with me. And so it hurts even more.
We had our Wednesday night together. A night when we are supposed to go to the club. Find others to tie. Practice our talents. His "bathroom break" was really just an excuse to go "check in" with her. I'm not stupid or naive. It shouldn't matter, except that he never bothers to "check in" with me when hes on a date with her. Why do I care so much when I know theres no hope. I wish I could just shut my mind off.
Sometime in the short hours of sleep that we had, he began to touch me. It felt good. I let it flow. But the toxic thoughts of why just kept running through my head. It didn't feel like the love we used to make. I kept silent. He had told me he didn't like it when I talked. So I lie there not really knowing how to enjoy the few moments he gave me. I've put him in that position of no matter what he does, it's not right. But I don't trust anyone anymore, and that, I do blame others for.
It will be a long 2 weeks. I'll see him a bit tonight, and then, really, not again until Sunday night. Then maybe a total of 12 hours before a party and then a weekend focused on trying to sell my stamps and other personal things to empty our storage.
Selling the M&M collections. Selling the Coca-Cola collections. Selling my Stamping supplies and stamps. All of it is a slow way of chipping away at any memories we have. All that will be left are pictures. Maybe that's for the better. Nothing to divide, nothing to fight over. But then, I gave up fighting months ago.
We had our Wednesday night together. A night when we are supposed to go to the club. Find others to tie. Practice our talents. His "bathroom break" was really just an excuse to go "check in" with her. I'm not stupid or naive. It shouldn't matter, except that he never bothers to "check in" with me when hes on a date with her. Why do I care so much when I know theres no hope. I wish I could just shut my mind off.
Sometime in the short hours of sleep that we had, he began to touch me. It felt good. I let it flow. But the toxic thoughts of why just kept running through my head. It didn't feel like the love we used to make. I kept silent. He had told me he didn't like it when I talked. So I lie there not really knowing how to enjoy the few moments he gave me. I've put him in that position of no matter what he does, it's not right. But I don't trust anyone anymore, and that, I do blame others for.
It will be a long 2 weeks. I'll see him a bit tonight, and then, really, not again until Sunday night. Then maybe a total of 12 hours before a party and then a weekend focused on trying to sell my stamps and other personal things to empty our storage.
Selling the M&M collections. Selling the Coca-Cola collections. Selling my Stamping supplies and stamps. All of it is a slow way of chipping away at any memories we have. All that will be left are pictures. Maybe that's for the better. Nothing to divide, nothing to fight over. But then, I gave up fighting months ago.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
How I Spent My Day
Kinkfest is coming in a few days. I can bury myself in the needs of other. People who want me there. Feeling sorry for myself? Hmmm, maybe...but it is HOW I FEEL and right now, I get to make myself #1 because nobody else is.
Today I worked. I got calls, made people happy, excited to talk to me. People went to my website, looked at my pictures and wanted me. That right there lifted my spirits. Marketed myself, my business. I am going to be successful at this, I believe that. I am working with such a talented group of women. None of them want to see me fail either. I need that unity right now.
There are people at Sesso looking forward to seeing me again too. How can I not smile about that. Still. I can't find happiness in my heart. How I wish I would just fall head over heals in love with someone and not look back. But I know me. I'll always look back. It's my personality. Holidays will be the worst.
Kyrie is skyping with us tonight. She always asks me if we are doing ok. I always lie to her. What am I supposed to tell her. NO? No Kyrie, we are doing really bad and very soon, your father and I will probably not be together anymore. Not because we don't love each other. What is the reason? Should I just live like this the rest of my life? Unfulfilled with no affection? Waiting for his relationship to end? Even when it does end (and yes, I know it will sooner or later), do I want him to only come back to me because he has nothing else? If he can't find passion and desire for me now, why would I accept being the rebound?
I wondered if we should separate for awhile. To see if he would realize what he was letting go. But Why? Why make myself wait around for something that isn't for me anymore. God I'm feeling stupid. Stupid for believing, stupid for coming back, stupid to think love really would come through as the strongest link. I was so fucking wrong.
So I spent my day working. Burying myself. And thinking about it constantly.
Today I worked. I got calls, made people happy, excited to talk to me. People went to my website, looked at my pictures and wanted me. That right there lifted my spirits. Marketed myself, my business. I am going to be successful at this, I believe that. I am working with such a talented group of women. None of them want to see me fail either. I need that unity right now.
There are people at Sesso looking forward to seeing me again too. How can I not smile about that. Still. I can't find happiness in my heart. How I wish I would just fall head over heals in love with someone and not look back. But I know me. I'll always look back. It's my personality. Holidays will be the worst.
Kyrie is skyping with us tonight. She always asks me if we are doing ok. I always lie to her. What am I supposed to tell her. NO? No Kyrie, we are doing really bad and very soon, your father and I will probably not be together anymore. Not because we don't love each other. What is the reason? Should I just live like this the rest of my life? Unfulfilled with no affection? Waiting for his relationship to end? Even when it does end (and yes, I know it will sooner or later), do I want him to only come back to me because he has nothing else? If he can't find passion and desire for me now, why would I accept being the rebound?
I wondered if we should separate for awhile. To see if he would realize what he was letting go. But Why? Why make myself wait around for something that isn't for me anymore. God I'm feeling stupid. Stupid for believing, stupid for coming back, stupid to think love really would come through as the strongest link. I was so fucking wrong.
So I spent my day working. Burying myself. And thinking about it constantly.
Monday, March 19, 2012
You Asked Me Not To Give Up On You
But I am.
I don't want to chase anymore. Not for someone who doesn't see me, who doesn't desire me, who doesn't want me.
I'm tired. I ask of you one simple thing. Let me go if you can't find desire for me.
I want more from my life than just a room mate. My marriage vows were important. They were forever. No, I don't want to be friends later. No, I don't want to be lovers later. No, I don't want any of those things we once shared. Take the things, the passions, the memories. They will only bring me pain. Pain of something that once was. Something I so believed in would be forever.
My mother told me many times, never count on a man for your happiness. Very few things my mother told me did I take to heart. I watched her live a very unhappy life. I swore I would not live or die that way.
I remember pushing you away long ago when I was 16 and figuring out I was falling in love with you and not able to handle being away from you. It was then that you told me to you would be with me forever. And I believed you. I counted on you. I'll never regret that decision. My life with you was not wasted. Just the last year has been.
My regrets all lie in this past year. Of what we were in the January of 2011. How strong and caring and loving and passionate we were for each other. And now, a year later. It's gone. But I won't take responsibility for the death. I tried to be open and sharing and give everything that you wanted, everything you said you needed. And what I got in return, was all a lie. All the things we agreed would never happen. They have happened. I find that what you really needed was something far more needy, clingy, and toxic. Something that consumed you and made your life all but relaxing and peaceful. I don't apologize for not being those things. They are not me. I cannot and do not aspire to be any of it.
I wanted to share my life with you. I wanted you to share your life with me. But you can't, or you won't. I haven't figured that out yet. Just loving me isn't enough. I want, I deserve more than that. I deserve desire. I deserve affection. I deserve to be part of someones life who relishes in what I have to offer.
At this point, I search for affection from strangers, and I find it. But it's not love. Not the love I wanted and needed from the one person I devoted my life to.
I'm fading from you and I don't know if we will make it past this point. I'm losing hope.
I don't want to chase anymore. Not for someone who doesn't see me, who doesn't desire me, who doesn't want me.
I'm tired. I ask of you one simple thing. Let me go if you can't find desire for me.
I want more from my life than just a room mate. My marriage vows were important. They were forever. No, I don't want to be friends later. No, I don't want to be lovers later. No, I don't want any of those things we once shared. Take the things, the passions, the memories. They will only bring me pain. Pain of something that once was. Something I so believed in would be forever.
My mother told me many times, never count on a man for your happiness. Very few things my mother told me did I take to heart. I watched her live a very unhappy life. I swore I would not live or die that way.
I remember pushing you away long ago when I was 16 and figuring out I was falling in love with you and not able to handle being away from you. It was then that you told me to you would be with me forever. And I believed you. I counted on you. I'll never regret that decision. My life with you was not wasted. Just the last year has been.
My regrets all lie in this past year. Of what we were in the January of 2011. How strong and caring and loving and passionate we were for each other. And now, a year later. It's gone. But I won't take responsibility for the death. I tried to be open and sharing and give everything that you wanted, everything you said you needed. And what I got in return, was all a lie. All the things we agreed would never happen. They have happened. I find that what you really needed was something far more needy, clingy, and toxic. Something that consumed you and made your life all but relaxing and peaceful. I don't apologize for not being those things. They are not me. I cannot and do not aspire to be any of it.
I wanted to share my life with you. I wanted you to share your life with me. But you can't, or you won't. I haven't figured that out yet. Just loving me isn't enough. I want, I deserve more than that. I deserve desire. I deserve affection. I deserve to be part of someones life who relishes in what I have to offer.
At this point, I search for affection from strangers, and I find it. But it's not love. Not the love I wanted and needed from the one person I devoted my life to.
I'm fading from you and I don't know if we will make it past this point. I'm losing hope.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Resentment
So the submissive has posted for all the kink world to see, her current marital issues with her husband and his girlfriend. Pretty much, this shows me that not only are they having issues, but that she is making it impossible for the two of them to show face in the kink community without being dubbed the trouble causers. The thing here is, not all the information is being relayed in the thread in a truthful context. But that is the M.O. and people choose to follow the one who cries first. After that, you just look like some hysterical bitch trying to get even, instead of someone attempting to save face and tell their side of the story. Yea, been there, done that with this one. Have no intention of trying to go back there again. It's just not worth it.
I also know now, that she has not been told she only has submissive status in my husbands life. That she is no longer considered or has any chance in my marriage to ever be a secondary. She sealed that casket when she texted him "I resent Kylie". But we all know that story.
An additional annoyance, as I've stated before, is that she continues to spread the story (which she truly believes or she wouldn't be able to tell it the same way EVERY time she does) that I did a complete 180 when he told her he loved her. Specifically, she was supposed to have told very clearly, that my problem with her actions and attitude towards myself and my marriage started long before those words were ever spoken. But no attempt has been made to tell her the truth. I may be taking that into my own hands soon. I'd love nothing more than to tell the little bitch exactly where she stands.
I'm sad that he doesn't see he has access to so many who could be part of our lives. I would love nothing more than to have someone in his life who loved him and truly submitted to him (not a dominant playing submissive). I would love to have someone I could laugh and smile with, who wasn't on the backside using tears and "emotional walls" and mental bondage to keep him feeling responsible not to hurt her any more than she has been hurt. She relies on him now for her sanity. How the fuck is he supposed to pull away from that? I rely on him to be my wonderful loving and caring husband. That doesn't have much of a draw it seems.
I wonder, if he knows she communicates with people and doesnt' tell him. If he knows she tells them these things about me. I wonder if he knows she uses an annoymous poster on one of the groups to put her story out there. Guess that didnt' work and she wasn't getting enough "poor girl"....so she decided to go public. I wonder how long she can make this sabotage continue without someone calling her on her shit.
I still haven't had sex with my husband in weeks. He shows no desire. Gets his sex from someone else so why should he care. I've gone out to meet 2 new people this past week, and he has not bothered to ask what happened, find out if I was safe, or find out anything about them. Yea, I feel so important.
I'm becoming very detached. Angered that we are getting to this place again. Pissed that he isn't making her fucking behave. Anxious that I don't have the same income happening as with my old job.
I resent being where we are now. In this place in our lives. I hate the saddness. I hate the uncertainty. I hate the feeling of total loss and why even try.
I keep telling myself. You try because you love him. But it always ends up right back here again.
Theres more, but right now, I just want to not think....or feel.
I also know now, that she has not been told she only has submissive status in my husbands life. That she is no longer considered or has any chance in my marriage to ever be a secondary. She sealed that casket when she texted him "I resent Kylie". But we all know that story.
An additional annoyance, as I've stated before, is that she continues to spread the story (which she truly believes or she wouldn't be able to tell it the same way EVERY time she does) that I did a complete 180 when he told her he loved her. Specifically, she was supposed to have told very clearly, that my problem with her actions and attitude towards myself and my marriage started long before those words were ever spoken. But no attempt has been made to tell her the truth. I may be taking that into my own hands soon. I'd love nothing more than to tell the little bitch exactly where she stands.
I'm sad that he doesn't see he has access to so many who could be part of our lives. I would love nothing more than to have someone in his life who loved him and truly submitted to him (not a dominant playing submissive). I would love to have someone I could laugh and smile with, who wasn't on the backside using tears and "emotional walls" and mental bondage to keep him feeling responsible not to hurt her any more than she has been hurt. She relies on him now for her sanity. How the fuck is he supposed to pull away from that? I rely on him to be my wonderful loving and caring husband. That doesn't have much of a draw it seems.
I wonder, if he knows she communicates with people and doesnt' tell him. If he knows she tells them these things about me. I wonder if he knows she uses an annoymous poster on one of the groups to put her story out there. Guess that didnt' work and she wasn't getting enough "poor girl"....so she decided to go public. I wonder how long she can make this sabotage continue without someone calling her on her shit.
I still haven't had sex with my husband in weeks. He shows no desire. Gets his sex from someone else so why should he care. I've gone out to meet 2 new people this past week, and he has not bothered to ask what happened, find out if I was safe, or find out anything about them. Yea, I feel so important.
I'm becoming very detached. Angered that we are getting to this place again. Pissed that he isn't making her fucking behave. Anxious that I don't have the same income happening as with my old job.
I resent being where we are now. In this place in our lives. I hate the saddness. I hate the uncertainty. I hate the feeling of total loss and why even try.
I keep telling myself. You try because you love him. But it always ends up right back here again.
Theres more, but right now, I just want to not think....or feel.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A Wednesday Morning
It's Wednesday morning. It's winter. It's Oregon. So there is nothing to be expected but rain and cold.
I'm working on finding a few fuck buddies in the local area. Something to take the edge off. Fill the gap (so to speak).
Tried a toy yesterday, yea, that is so not working for me. I need real warm flesh. The touch of a man. That is what excites me.
Business has been slow the past couple of days, but Sunday and Mondays are my slow days. I expected Tuesday to pick up, but I think the dispatch system might have been down so that would explain that.
I should ride my horse today. I should go do cardio. I should write some work blogs. I should post items on craigslist to sell. I should sleep.
I'm stressed about money. I'm stressed that we aren't talking.
I'm thankful that I'm at least still hearing him say "I love you".
I'm working on finding a few fuck buddies in the local area. Something to take the edge off. Fill the gap (so to speak).
Tried a toy yesterday, yea, that is so not working for me. I need real warm flesh. The touch of a man. That is what excites me.
Business has been slow the past couple of days, but Sunday and Mondays are my slow days. I expected Tuesday to pick up, but I think the dispatch system might have been down so that would explain that.
I should ride my horse today. I should go do cardio. I should write some work blogs. I should post items on craigslist to sell. I should sleep.
I'm stressed about money. I'm stressed that we aren't talking.
I'm thankful that I'm at least still hearing him say "I love you".
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
What Does Sex Have To Do With It?
EVERYTHING!
Over the past few days, I have had to acknowledge the truth, and believe me, it hurt, but it is the truth.
I am in a Sexless Marriage.
It's not like this is the first time. I realize that. It was there long before any of this other crap ever started. We had become two good friends, sleeping together, loving the person in bed next to us. The routine was the same, but we rarely had sex. The difference was, at that time, there was no other person he was having sex with.
Fast forward to now. Because now really is the only time that matters. This isn't about other people. This is about me, my husband, my marriage, my relationship with the man I care about, I adore, I have loved since I was 16 years old, and who I still am in love with. Keywords "IN LOVE WITH".
That's right. I don't just love my husband, I am IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND. Maybe that is why it seems so hard to see what we have become.
Together, a few months ago, we made this list of rules, guidelines, something to get us back on track so that he could continue his Dominant/submissive relationship and our marriage could continue to evolve without everything imploding. I needed structure, I needed basic ground rules, I needed to know what to expect. I don't do well with uncertainty. My mind begins to spin and then all kinds of monsters come crawling out from behind the rocks.
So one of the rules we agreed to was regarding sex. It was bothering me that my husband was not having sex with me, but was having sex with someone else 2-3 times (if not more) a week. The understanding we came to was that we shouldn't be having sex with someone else if we can't give that to our spouse. Seemed simple at the time.
What I have had to acknowledge, looking back on the past 2 months, is that I have been getting sex. I get it one time per week, on the morning that he is about to go on a 12-24 hour date. I termed it as "pity sex".
That kind of sex where you know it's your responsibility to service her, and it's not that you don't like to, it's just that you really have no urge to. But you did agree to do it, so flip the covers off, roll her over, insert penis, and deposit. Tell her you love her, roll off, go take a shower, then your free to look forward to the night ahead without feeling like you haven't met your side of the bargain.
Wow, makes a girl feel so special.
I went to Vegas this past weekend. It was a business trip. He had his overnight date planned, no biggy. They had a date Thursday night, but he had no plans to fuck that night, so my pity sex was saved for Friday morning before my flight. When I came home from Vegas, I wanted so bad to be held tight and snuggled up, wanted, desired, to have him make love with me.
I did get a warm embrace, I did get snuggles when we crawled into bed, and I did get I love yous. No love making. Monday, same thing, I was snuzzling up to him on the couch, but I was getting no reaction. Tuesday, I got him in bed, and began giving him a blow job, only to hear him start to snore about 10 minutes into it.
This past Friday, he had a date planned. As usual, I felt the covers thrown off me on Friday morning and he started to roll me over on my back. I made the decision at that moment, that I would no longer accept pity fucks. I rolled him back and told him no. He laid there a few minutes, said he loved me, and went and took his shower. We didn't speak of it again.
His date lasted from 6pm to 4am. I wondered why he came home early. It was because he had to work on Saturday morning at 7am. Not much sleep and after a long night of Dominating a needy submissive. He was wiped out. He came home after work in the early afternoon and napped. I woke him up at about 5pm so we could go check into the Hotel for our date.
Yes, "our date". We had planned a date night for Saturday. A hotel I had told him about where they had jacuzzi tubs big enough for 2 and since we had not been able to do our dinner dates in the past 3 months, I thought, why not. I've spent wonderful romantic nights in these tubs with others, why shouldn't it be with the one man I love.
Problem was he slept through 90% of the night in the hotel, and, you guessed it, I still didn't get any physical love, and at this time, still haven't.
So how do I deal with this? It's simple. I'm numb. I'm burying myself in work, building my business of talking to men to do find me attractive, alluring, sexually exciting. Men who would adore touching me, holding me, making me feel special and wanted. Men who tell me everyday, how lucky my husband is.
Someone likes to use the term "putting up emotional walls". They aren't walls for me, nor do I need to tell him in order to get him to give me attention. He doesn't see she says it to everyone. It's how she gets attention. I've thought about it, maybe even tried for that attention. It's just not me. Nor, do I want to be that kind of person, one who controls and manipulates through emotional bondage. Maybe someday he will see if for what it is. It's annoying and I would like to protect him from it, but he shut me out of protecting him long ago.
I'm shutting down inside. I know that. I'm not making myself desireable to him that way, I know that too. But when I was being happy, feeling romantic, trying to show him just how much he was loved and wanted, I wasn't getting desire from him either. So I'm just pulling back. If he decides he wants me, desires me, well then of course I want it. But I have to accept, it's not something I should hope for anymore.
Over the past few days, I have had to acknowledge the truth, and believe me, it hurt, but it is the truth.
I am in a Sexless Marriage.
It's not like this is the first time. I realize that. It was there long before any of this other crap ever started. We had become two good friends, sleeping together, loving the person in bed next to us. The routine was the same, but we rarely had sex. The difference was, at that time, there was no other person he was having sex with.
Fast forward to now. Because now really is the only time that matters. This isn't about other people. This is about me, my husband, my marriage, my relationship with the man I care about, I adore, I have loved since I was 16 years old, and who I still am in love with. Keywords "IN LOVE WITH".
That's right. I don't just love my husband, I am IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND. Maybe that is why it seems so hard to see what we have become.
Together, a few months ago, we made this list of rules, guidelines, something to get us back on track so that he could continue his Dominant/submissive relationship and our marriage could continue to evolve without everything imploding. I needed structure, I needed basic ground rules, I needed to know what to expect. I don't do well with uncertainty. My mind begins to spin and then all kinds of monsters come crawling out from behind the rocks.
So one of the rules we agreed to was regarding sex. It was bothering me that my husband was not having sex with me, but was having sex with someone else 2-3 times (if not more) a week. The understanding we came to was that we shouldn't be having sex with someone else if we can't give that to our spouse. Seemed simple at the time.
What I have had to acknowledge, looking back on the past 2 months, is that I have been getting sex. I get it one time per week, on the morning that he is about to go on a 12-24 hour date. I termed it as "pity sex".
That kind of sex where you know it's your responsibility to service her, and it's not that you don't like to, it's just that you really have no urge to. But you did agree to do it, so flip the covers off, roll her over, insert penis, and deposit. Tell her you love her, roll off, go take a shower, then your free to look forward to the night ahead without feeling like you haven't met your side of the bargain.
Wow, makes a girl feel so special.
I went to Vegas this past weekend. It was a business trip. He had his overnight date planned, no biggy. They had a date Thursday night, but he had no plans to fuck that night, so my pity sex was saved for Friday morning before my flight. When I came home from Vegas, I wanted so bad to be held tight and snuggled up, wanted, desired, to have him make love with me.
I did get a warm embrace, I did get snuggles when we crawled into bed, and I did get I love yous. No love making. Monday, same thing, I was snuzzling up to him on the couch, but I was getting no reaction. Tuesday, I got him in bed, and began giving him a blow job, only to hear him start to snore about 10 minutes into it.
This past Friday, he had a date planned. As usual, I felt the covers thrown off me on Friday morning and he started to roll me over on my back. I made the decision at that moment, that I would no longer accept pity fucks. I rolled him back and told him no. He laid there a few minutes, said he loved me, and went and took his shower. We didn't speak of it again.
His date lasted from 6pm to 4am. I wondered why he came home early. It was because he had to work on Saturday morning at 7am. Not much sleep and after a long night of Dominating a needy submissive. He was wiped out. He came home after work in the early afternoon and napped. I woke him up at about 5pm so we could go check into the Hotel for our date.
Yes, "our date". We had planned a date night for Saturday. A hotel I had told him about where they had jacuzzi tubs big enough for 2 and since we had not been able to do our dinner dates in the past 3 months, I thought, why not. I've spent wonderful romantic nights in these tubs with others, why shouldn't it be with the one man I love.
Problem was he slept through 90% of the night in the hotel, and, you guessed it, I still didn't get any physical love, and at this time, still haven't.
So how do I deal with this? It's simple. I'm numb. I'm burying myself in work, building my business of talking to men to do find me attractive, alluring, sexually exciting. Men who would adore touching me, holding me, making me feel special and wanted. Men who tell me everyday, how lucky my husband is.
Someone likes to use the term "putting up emotional walls". They aren't walls for me, nor do I need to tell him in order to get him to give me attention. He doesn't see she says it to everyone. It's how she gets attention. I've thought about it, maybe even tried for that attention. It's just not me. Nor, do I want to be that kind of person, one who controls and manipulates through emotional bondage. Maybe someday he will see if for what it is. It's annoying and I would like to protect him from it, but he shut me out of protecting him long ago.
I'm shutting down inside. I know that. I'm not making myself desireable to him that way, I know that too. But when I was being happy, feeling romantic, trying to show him just how much he was loved and wanted, I wasn't getting desire from him either. So I'm just pulling back. If he decides he wants me, desires me, well then of course I want it. But I have to accept, it's not something I should hope for anymore.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
A New Hunger
It's a new year, so I suppose that is why I'm feeling the urge to shed off all the negative energy and skin that has existed for the past year.
I want to start new, but I'm afraid if I do, it will all return again to how it was. But the difference is, now I know, that if it does go that way. I have the strength to do what is right for me. I guess that is my way of saying, I let go.
Where this time last year, I felt like there was really nothing to do, no place to go, emptiness... I feel right now like I have so much to accomplish, to experience, to finish, that I can't seem to organize my thoughts.
I have focused so highly on keeping my marriage in tact that I've let everything else go. It's been up and down like a roller coaster. I needed some grounding. I know I have the support offered, but until recently, I don't think I took advantage of what has been there. By seeing that, I am also considering taking advantage of what is being offered. But then the fear sets back in again.
I am not sleeping right now. I'm restless, wanting, waiting, desire is getting the better of me in this sleep deprived state.
The log in the fireplace is glowing embers now. I need to buy a new box. I guess that's how I feel, I've been a pile of embers for the past 12 months. Now it's time to light a new flame.
And see what burns.
I want to start new, but I'm afraid if I do, it will all return again to how it was. But the difference is, now I know, that if it does go that way. I have the strength to do what is right for me. I guess that is my way of saying, I let go.
Where this time last year, I felt like there was really nothing to do, no place to go, emptiness... I feel right now like I have so much to accomplish, to experience, to finish, that I can't seem to organize my thoughts.
I have focused so highly on keeping my marriage in tact that I've let everything else go. It's been up and down like a roller coaster. I needed some grounding. I know I have the support offered, but until recently, I don't think I took advantage of what has been there. By seeing that, I am also considering taking advantage of what is being offered. But then the fear sets back in again.
I am not sleeping right now. I'm restless, wanting, waiting, desire is getting the better of me in this sleep deprived state.
The log in the fireplace is glowing embers now. I need to buy a new box. I guess that's how I feel, I've been a pile of embers for the past 12 months. Now it's time to light a new flame.
And see what burns.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
The Months In Between
In between then and now, so much has happened.
Lies, Deceptions, Assumptions, and Half Truths.
In that course of time, the realization hit, finally, when the last lie took place, the bags were hastily packed, and the wedding ring was laid on the edge of the table.
I locked the door behind me, and walked away. I had no intentions of returning.
But I did, and since that time, we have been up and down, trying hard to hold on.
It's painful sometimes, because you can't seem to understand that there is no place in our marriage for a person who does not respect me as your wife and who I have absolutely nothing in common with or any desire to associate with. This part is not jealousy, this part is purely YOU ARE RISKING EVERYTHING for what?
She has been reduced to "just a submissive". She has no placement. Where she used to have a notion of "secondary" status, she no long has any placement. She is just as you have said, she is JUST A SUBMISSIVE.
Although you claim she is your friend. I can tell you any "friend" that would allow in my life that tried to do the things she has done, would have been shown the door long ago. But you don't see it, and I'm not going to spend my life pointing it out to you.
I'm frustrated that you lock yourselves away from the world for a D/s date, but do not intertwine with the community or show her off like a submissive should be shown. So really, I've relinquished her in my eyes to more of a whore. Buy her expensive jewelry, take her out to dinner, get a hotel room, and fuck her. In that respect, she's cheap. Works for me.
There are other times, I so wish you had someone who we could welcome into our home again. Who shared the common interests of both of us and did not see the need to talk badly about me to you behind my back. Yes, that would be my dream for you...for us.
Lies, Deceptions, Assumptions, and Half Truths.
In that course of time, the realization hit, finally, when the last lie took place, the bags were hastily packed, and the wedding ring was laid on the edge of the table.
I locked the door behind me, and walked away. I had no intentions of returning.
But I did, and since that time, we have been up and down, trying hard to hold on.
It's painful sometimes, because you can't seem to understand that there is no place in our marriage for a person who does not respect me as your wife and who I have absolutely nothing in common with or any desire to associate with. This part is not jealousy, this part is purely YOU ARE RISKING EVERYTHING for what?
She has been reduced to "just a submissive". She has no placement. Where she used to have a notion of "secondary" status, she no long has any placement. She is just as you have said, she is JUST A SUBMISSIVE.
Although you claim she is your friend. I can tell you any "friend" that would allow in my life that tried to do the things she has done, would have been shown the door long ago. But you don't see it, and I'm not going to spend my life pointing it out to you.
I'm frustrated that you lock yourselves away from the world for a D/s date, but do not intertwine with the community or show her off like a submissive should be shown. So really, I've relinquished her in my eyes to more of a whore. Buy her expensive jewelry, take her out to dinner, get a hotel room, and fuck her. In that respect, she's cheap. Works for me.
There are other times, I so wish you had someone who we could welcome into our home again. Who shared the common interests of both of us and did not see the need to talk badly about me to you behind my back. Yes, that would be my dream for you...for us.
Monday, September 5, 2011
I Don't Know How
I don't know how to get you to understand what I need.
Even when I tell you, it's like you don't hear me.
Just when I think you might understand
I figure out you really didn't.
It hurts that you didn't miss me while we were apart.
If you did, you never bothered to mention it.
It hurts that you didn't look forward to seeing me after being gone
If you did, you never bother to tell me.
It hurts that you didn't have any sexual desire for me when we came home.
If you did, you certainly haven't shown it.
I don't know how to keep giving and live with not getting back from you what I need
I don't know how to tell you what I need anymore.
I don't know how to show you what I need anymore.
I want to be wanted.
I want to be missed.
I want to be desired.
I want to be loved without asking.
I've given all of those things and more.
and I don't know how to give anymore.....
Even when I tell you, it's like you don't hear me.
Just when I think you might understand
I figure out you really didn't.
It hurts that you didn't miss me while we were apart.
If you did, you never bothered to mention it.
It hurts that you didn't look forward to seeing me after being gone
If you did, you never bother to tell me.
It hurts that you didn't have any sexual desire for me when we came home.
If you did, you certainly haven't shown it.
I don't know how to keep giving and live with not getting back from you what I need
I don't know how to tell you what I need anymore.
I don't know how to show you what I need anymore.
I want to be wanted.
I want to be missed.
I want to be desired.
I want to be loved without asking.
I've given all of those things and more.
and I don't know how to give anymore.....
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Lifes Seasons
Winter came much earlier than anticipated. It was a deep cold. Penetrating, and unbareable the colder it became. Some days, there seemed to be warmth, but that was only when a log was placed on the fire or a blanket was wrapped around. The cold was held out by a barrier, but the winter itself still remained.
Then a hint of spring. Some color in the sky. Flowers that try to bloom. But winter has not given in yet an again the cold came through. The tiny petals that had burst into color were killed off. The clouds covered the spotty rays of sun, and the blanket came out again.
After months which seemed like years, summer finally came. The blue of the sky, the smell of the breeze, all the wonderful feelings of sweet sunshine on my skin. Focusing on the sun, wanting it never to go away, I do all I can to make it want to stay. To make it feel this is the only planet that can matter. There is no place for winter here. There is no need for clouds or rain or freezing.
But fall has hit. I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t. The leaves started changing fast and without notice. It seemed too soon. I knew it couldn’t last. The promise of summer is just that, a promise. Promises are something I don’t put much faith in. Nothing to hold summer here, nothing to say the spring or fall or even winter won’t return and be deeper, colder, darker than it was before.
I feel the cold returning. I’ve pulled out my blanket and it covers and protects me.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The Brightness of Today
I'm going on the second week of happy.
No, there are no drugs.
Some things have changed, for the better. Other things, still remain the same, and I really don't see them changing any time soon. The most important part of all this is that I am finding a way to wrap my mind around it so that it isn't tearing me up inside.
No, we are not friends, I doubt that will ever be, but I am being tolerant. As long as everyone minds their manners and understand I will not be walked on, I think everything will be fine. If that is "Intimidating", then so be it. I will not run from that word any longer.
I am enjoying the limited time I do get to spend with my husband. We are spending more and more quality in our time together, less tension. We still don't talk like we used to about our lives (I miss that), but at least it doesn't feel (to me) like there is a huge elephant in the room. I love him dearly and I hope as time goes on, the desires will return.
I am enjoying riding my horse. I absolutely LOVE riding my horse. Tristan is my solid foundation. I'm finding that a 30 minute ride in the arena is as therapeutic for me as a 5 hour ride around the lake. I enjoy him so much. I want to learn to drive the horse trailer so I can go ride by myself and not rely on someone to take me. Hell, maybe I should start by just learning to load and unload my own horse...ya think?
I am back in touch with people again. Friends of all sorts who have been on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back. I like the excitement I feel from them. The support they have given me. New friends, new play partners, new worlds I've never even considered touching before, all are on my horizon.
The sun seems to be rising, the warmth is hitting my skin.
I'm working on being whole, again.
No, there are no drugs.
Some things have changed, for the better. Other things, still remain the same, and I really don't see them changing any time soon. The most important part of all this is that I am finding a way to wrap my mind around it so that it isn't tearing me up inside.
No, we are not friends, I doubt that will ever be, but I am being tolerant. As long as everyone minds their manners and understand I will not be walked on, I think everything will be fine. If that is "Intimidating", then so be it. I will not run from that word any longer.
I am enjoying the limited time I do get to spend with my husband. We are spending more and more quality in our time together, less tension. We still don't talk like we used to about our lives (I miss that), but at least it doesn't feel (to me) like there is a huge elephant in the room. I love him dearly and I hope as time goes on, the desires will return.
I am enjoying riding my horse. I absolutely LOVE riding my horse. Tristan is my solid foundation. I'm finding that a 30 minute ride in the arena is as therapeutic for me as a 5 hour ride around the lake. I enjoy him so much. I want to learn to drive the horse trailer so I can go ride by myself and not rely on someone to take me. Hell, maybe I should start by just learning to load and unload my own horse...ya think?
I am back in touch with people again. Friends of all sorts who have been on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back. I like the excitement I feel from them. The support they have given me. New friends, new play partners, new worlds I've never even considered touching before, all are on my horizon.
The sun seems to be rising, the warmth is hitting my skin.
I'm working on being whole, again.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Both Sides
Recently, a Submissive posted on a public site regarding her Doms "Insecure Spouse".
It could have gone unnoticed, had she not signed it with the same signature she uses in her Fetlife postings.
The wife she refers to, wouldn't have noticed it either, had it not been for other submissives who go to the same website. Friends of the wife, and actually, a couple of people who have contacted her since, noticed the post and asked if she had seen it.
Obviously, now she has...
So there are 3 sides to every story. In this case, the submissive/girlfriend, the (insecure)wife, and the Truth.
Perception is part of the truth, we all must keep that in mind when going on the attack.
Here is the submissives public post (italicized will be the Insecure wife comments).
When I first met my Dom, his wife was very supportive of our relationship, enjoyed watching it grow and blossom.
(very true. His wife wanted him to have this experience. She wanted him to have the connection and feeling of having a submissive in his life. She hoped this would be an attribute to the marriage they already shared.)
She has been in the lifestyle longer than any of us and was very willing to offer advice to help me deal with my husbands new long distance polyamorous relationship with his girlfirend. She encouraged me to let him go see her in her home state, to let him love her and her love him etc.
(again, very true. The couple had already entered into their poly relationship and were asking for advice and wanted to know what rules and boundaries others had set who seemed happy, respectful, and committed to each other.)
But now that her husband ( my dom) has said he Loves me, her whole attitude has changed.
(Important to note, the wife was having conversations with the husband regarding broken agreements and rules long before the "I love you" words were spoken. Additionally, it was not the "I love you" that was a problem, it was the fact that he had agreed to discuss with his wife any deeper feelings before announcing them to the submissive.)
She isnt able to deal with it.
(Another incorrect statement. The wife is not concerned, nor affected by her husband loving another).
She has gone from being a “friend”, to being very cold , rude and down right mean to me at times.
(No "friendship" had yet been established between the wife and the submissive. Ironically, the wife had kept a safe distance from the submissive regarding "friendship" just so that the boundaries stayed clear. The wife also made sure the submissive knew the boundaries of their relationship from the beginning, in very clear words, in very clear conversations. The cold, yes, as time progressed and the wife was presented into situations where she felt no longer connected to her husband, the submissive did not get the same warm welcome. Rude or Mean? The wife would certainly like clear instances of when those treatments would have taken place.)
She has put on a “happy face” for his sake at times and in the beginning she at least pretended to welcome me into their home.
(In the beginning, the wife was very welcoming to the submissive. Purchasing special towels and personal items for the submissive to use while preparing herself in their home so that she would not feel like just any other "guest". At a specific point in time, the husband had told the wife that he could not make his relationship with his submissive work unless the wife acted more warmly towards the submissive. So yes, the “happy face” was for him, something he requested. At any point the submissive felt welcomed into the couples home, she truly was welcome, at that point in time. When she was no longer welcomed by the wife, there was no pretending that she was.)
(She has put very strict time limits on how long we can see each other, she has gone from rarely doing anything with him ( his words) to now not wanting to be apart from him.
(The wife asked her husband to be home by 2am instead of 3am or 4am on weeknights because she would like to have him in her bed for at least some closeness prior to him getting up at 5am and leaving for work. It is important to know that the wife would not have seen her husband since 5am that morning, so almost an entire 24 hours would have gone by before she saw him again, only to have him get up and leave for work within a couple of hours. The Dom and his submissive are allowed to stay out till 4am on weekends. At the time the submissives post was made, the husband had NO time limitations as the wife had decided she would let him go and hope he would make the right decisions for their marriage.)
(...additionally spending more time together was something the husband and wife had been trying to do prior to the submissive entering into their lives. The husband had requested the wife "want" to spend more time with him and he in return, was showing her he “wanted” to spend time with her as well, which was different than in the past. The husband has asked if it was relayed that he was enjoying and really liked his wife wanting to spend so much time with him now. Interestingly enough, the submissive did not post that piece of information here.)
She is a very Strong personality ( she is a top) and the first woman I have ever been intimidated by.
(The wife has always been very straight forward and clear to the submissive from the very beginning about her place in the heirarchy of the relationship.)
It could have gone unnoticed, had she not signed it with the same signature she uses in her Fetlife postings.
The wife she refers to, wouldn't have noticed it either, had it not been for other submissives who go to the same website. Friends of the wife, and actually, a couple of people who have contacted her since, noticed the post and asked if she had seen it.
Obviously, now she has...
So there are 3 sides to every story. In this case, the submissive/girlfriend, the (insecure)wife, and the Truth.
Perception is part of the truth, we all must keep that in mind when going on the attack.
Here is the submissives public post (italicized will be the Insecure wife comments).
When I first met my Dom, his wife was very supportive of our relationship, enjoyed watching it grow and blossom.
(very true. His wife wanted him to have this experience. She wanted him to have the connection and feeling of having a submissive in his life. She hoped this would be an attribute to the marriage they already shared.)
She has been in the lifestyle longer than any of us and was very willing to offer advice to help me deal with my husbands new long distance polyamorous relationship with his girlfirend. She encouraged me to let him go see her in her home state, to let him love her and her love him etc.
(again, very true. The couple had already entered into their poly relationship and were asking for advice and wanted to know what rules and boundaries others had set who seemed happy, respectful, and committed to each other.)
But now that her husband ( my dom) has said he Loves me, her whole attitude has changed.
(Important to note, the wife was having conversations with the husband regarding broken agreements and rules long before the "I love you" words were spoken. Additionally, it was not the "I love you" that was a problem, it was the fact that he had agreed to discuss with his wife any deeper feelings before announcing them to the submissive.)
She isnt able to deal with it.
(Another incorrect statement. The wife is not concerned, nor affected by her husband loving another).
She has gone from being a “friend”, to being very cold , rude and down right mean to me at times.
(No "friendship" had yet been established between the wife and the submissive. Ironically, the wife had kept a safe distance from the submissive regarding "friendship" just so that the boundaries stayed clear. The wife also made sure the submissive knew the boundaries of their relationship from the beginning, in very clear words, in very clear conversations. The cold, yes, as time progressed and the wife was presented into situations where she felt no longer connected to her husband, the submissive did not get the same warm welcome. Rude or Mean? The wife would certainly like clear instances of when those treatments would have taken place.)
She has put on a “happy face” for his sake at times and in the beginning she at least pretended to welcome me into their home.
(In the beginning, the wife was very welcoming to the submissive. Purchasing special towels and personal items for the submissive to use while preparing herself in their home so that she would not feel like just any other "guest". At a specific point in time, the husband had told the wife that he could not make his relationship with his submissive work unless the wife acted more warmly towards the submissive. So yes, the “happy face” was for him, something he requested. At any point the submissive felt welcomed into the couples home, she truly was welcome, at that point in time. When she was no longer welcomed by the wife, there was no pretending that she was.)
(She has put very strict time limits on how long we can see each other, she has gone from rarely doing anything with him ( his words) to now not wanting to be apart from him.
(The wife asked her husband to be home by 2am instead of 3am or 4am on weeknights because she would like to have him in her bed for at least some closeness prior to him getting up at 5am and leaving for work. It is important to know that the wife would not have seen her husband since 5am that morning, so almost an entire 24 hours would have gone by before she saw him again, only to have him get up and leave for work within a couple of hours. The Dom and his submissive are allowed to stay out till 4am on weekends. At the time the submissives post was made, the husband had NO time limitations as the wife had decided she would let him go and hope he would make the right decisions for their marriage.)
(...additionally spending more time together was something the husband and wife had been trying to do prior to the submissive entering into their lives. The husband had requested the wife "want" to spend more time with him and he in return, was showing her he “wanted” to spend time with her as well, which was different than in the past. The husband has asked if it was relayed that he was enjoying and really liked his wife wanting to spend so much time with him now. Interestingly enough, the submissive did not post that piece of information here.)
She is a very Strong personality ( she is a top) and the first woman I have ever been intimidated by.
(The wife has always been very straight forward and clear to the submissive from the very beginning about her place in the heirarchy of the relationship.)
I have told her I have no intentions of coming between the two of them and she made it very clear that I do not have that power, so why is she so insecure?
(The wife is not insecure about the submissive. The wife is sad and heartbroken that her husband has shown such little respect, remorse, or thought in how his actions have affected his wife, her feelings, or her trust, as it was perceived that he did not care.)
(The wife has told the submissive multiple times to stay out of what is going on in the marriage as it is between the wife and the husband to work out their communication problems. The submissive has continuously used her knowledge of the problems between the husband and wife to put herself in a position of confidant and now knows "the right things to say" to manipulate her own agenda no matter what the effect on the Dom or his relationship with his wife, something that is not acceptable in the swinging or poly world).
my dom has asked me to let him worry about her and I just take care of my relationship with him.
(a very good idea in a perfect world. Still, is it ok to ignore what you know is happening just for your own happiness?)
I am trying to do that, but I feel like he is caught in the middle of two women that he loves and I dont like it.
(If the submissive was truly worried about how "in the middle he was", she would respectfully take a stand and step back to let the husband work out his marriage with his wife. Instead, she continually requests more time and more dates, more texts, more phone calls. The husband in return, gives her what she wants (not saying he doesn’t want that too and does request more contact), and/or "needs", which leaves his wife wanting and needing the same, but not getting her needs met.)
I try really hard to not say anything to him about her in a negative way.
(the submissive may not outright say negative things about the wife, but the words she uses places the wife in a negative light that is already a problem area for the couple. The husband, does not stand up for the wife in these instances. Instead, he allows the submissive to state how she feels and allows the wife to be perceived as “the problem” and therefore "making it hard for them".)
Now starting on the 18th I will be seeing them in a vanilla setting twice a week. the last time we were in that situation she wouldnt even speak to me or look at me if she did say something when I asked her a question
(could it be, that the wife, may have been attempting to not be a bitch to the submissive at a time when things were very bad between the wife and the husband? Could it be possible, that the submissive was asking questions of the wife that she would not like the answer to? And how did the submissive responde? By making sure the husband knew that she had cried all the way home. Which made the tension between husband and wife even more strained)
this time there is a chance we could end up being partners at this vanilla event..I am concerned about how she is going to be. I understand her insecurities with her husband loving me,
(The submissive has no idea what the wifes “insecurities” are as the wife has never told her of the way she perceives she is being treated by the husband. The wife has not told the submissive that she does not get sex on a basis of him wanting or desiring her, because his time spent with the submissive wipes him out and he wants to sleep all the next day. The wife has not told the submissive of how the husband jumps to the submissives defense everytime they try to talk about the situation and the wife feels like the outsider. The submissive knows nothing about what truly is taking place in the marriage of the husband and wife and therefore, cannot possibly know what the wife is feeling.) I too was facing those same feelings with my husbands love for his girlfriend,
(the submissive is NOT having the same feelings as the wife in this situation as it is not about the husband loving the submissive. It is about broken agreements, poor communication, and trust issues). but I don’t feel that justifies her behavior, I would never treat a person the way she has treated me or do the things she has done to irritate me ( I cant prove they were done on purpose but sure seems that way) She wants no contact from me or with me at this time, she has deleted me as a friend on another lifestyle community, she has asked that I not sendher any more ” have a good day” text messages ( which by the way she used to send me too)
(the wife sent the submissive the “have a good day” messages in response the husband wanting the wife to “be nice” to the submissive so that his relationship would work out.)
, she is no longer at the house when I get there ( which is fine she barely acknowledged me being there).
(The wife and husband agreed that since the submissive felt uncomfortable with the wife there, and the wife was not comfortable with the submissive in her home, that it would be better if the wife was not in the apartment when the submissive was there getting ready for a date with the husband. Additionally, it is the wifes perception, that one time she was there (with a headache) and stayed in the bedroom, that the submissive sounded disappointed that the wife was in her home at that time as that meant the submissive and the husband could not play there.)
She changed her status from “open relationship to ” married” a lot of little things
(the wifes status was always “married” as well as “in an open relationship”. The wife dropped “in an open relationship” status when she realized she was no longer in an open relationship. The wife believed that an open relationship included open communication, respect, and trust in each other and that is clearly what was not taking place) The submissives hurt feeling over the wife changing her own status caused even more conflict between the husband and wife.)
To me it feels like she is trying to make me disappear and not have to deal with her feelings, according to my Dom, she is still talking to him about the relationship, and her shutting me out is her way of dealing with it.
(“dealing” with the relationship, such a simple explanation for an even larger problem. Yes, the wife feels that she would like to have the submissive removed from her marriage. The submissive has added nothing positive to the marriage. The wife continues to talk to the husband in an attempt to open communication again and keep the marriage in tact.)
My Dom says he has no intentions of changing anything with me, he loves me and wants me in his life, but she is his wife, she will always come first. But in her words,, he doesnt love easily so if he says he loves you,, he loves you ( I am only the third person EVER he has loved and he met his wife at 14), so I am trusting him with my heart. Not an easy thing for me to do in a normal situation even more dificult now with his wife acting this way.
(the wife does understand opening the heart to another. But the wife also understands and has experience in other relationships to know what is right and what is wrong and what responsibility the secondary plays in those relationships. The submissive nor the husband have been acting appropriately in this “D/s” relationship. The relationship and the actions of both Dominant and submissive are far more boyfriend/girlfriend with a D/s flavor. At the time of this post, neither has a mentor of any kind (the submissive recently requested a mentor), the Dominant does not.)
I think I am venting more than anything here, I have no other outlet as I cant post anything on the other lifestyle community as she will see it or her friends would and it would get back to her some how..
(the wifes friends are also submissives, and post to the same site. The submissive signed her post with the same signage she uses for the “lifestyle community (Fetlife), and so it was obvious who wrote it).
I dont want to upset her and makes things worse for him.
(This is an offensive statement. The husband is not being abused by the wife wanting her needs met.)
I am just going to keep being myself, I am who I am, I mean her or their relationship no harm. I just want to be his sub, to love him and to be his friend.
(The wife is not insecure about the submissive. The wife is sad and heartbroken that her husband has shown such little respect, remorse, or thought in how his actions have affected his wife, her feelings, or her trust, as it was perceived that he did not care.)
(The wife has told the submissive multiple times to stay out of what is going on in the marriage as it is between the wife and the husband to work out their communication problems. The submissive has continuously used her knowledge of the problems between the husband and wife to put herself in a position of confidant and now knows "the right things to say" to manipulate her own agenda no matter what the effect on the Dom or his relationship with his wife, something that is not acceptable in the swinging or poly world).
my dom has asked me to let him worry about her and I just take care of my relationship with him.
(a very good idea in a perfect world. Still, is it ok to ignore what you know is happening just for your own happiness?)
I am trying to do that, but I feel like he is caught in the middle of two women that he loves and I dont like it.
(If the submissive was truly worried about how "in the middle he was", she would respectfully take a stand and step back to let the husband work out his marriage with his wife. Instead, she continually requests more time and more dates, more texts, more phone calls. The husband in return, gives her what she wants (not saying he doesn’t want that too and does request more contact), and/or "needs", which leaves his wife wanting and needing the same, but not getting her needs met.)
I try really hard to not say anything to him about her in a negative way.
(the submissive may not outright say negative things about the wife, but the words she uses places the wife in a negative light that is already a problem area for the couple. The husband, does not stand up for the wife in these instances. Instead, he allows the submissive to state how she feels and allows the wife to be perceived as “the problem” and therefore "making it hard for them".)
Now starting on the 18th I will be seeing them in a vanilla setting twice a week. the last time we were in that situation she wouldnt even speak to me or look at me if she did say something when I asked her a question
(could it be, that the wife, may have been attempting to not be a bitch to the submissive at a time when things were very bad between the wife and the husband? Could it be possible, that the submissive was asking questions of the wife that she would not like the answer to? And how did the submissive responde? By making sure the husband knew that she had cried all the way home. Which made the tension between husband and wife even more strained)
this time there is a chance we could end up being partners at this vanilla event..I am concerned about how she is going to be. I understand her insecurities with her husband loving me,
(The submissive has no idea what the wifes “insecurities” are as the wife has never told her of the way she perceives she is being treated by the husband. The wife has not told the submissive that she does not get sex on a basis of him wanting or desiring her, because his time spent with the submissive wipes him out and he wants to sleep all the next day. The wife has not told the submissive of how the husband jumps to the submissives defense everytime they try to talk about the situation and the wife feels like the outsider. The submissive knows nothing about what truly is taking place in the marriage of the husband and wife and therefore, cannot possibly know what the wife is feeling.) I too was facing those same feelings with my husbands love for his girlfriend,
(the submissive is NOT having the same feelings as the wife in this situation as it is not about the husband loving the submissive. It is about broken agreements, poor communication, and trust issues). but I don’t feel that justifies her behavior, I would never treat a person the way she has treated me or do the things she has done to irritate me ( I cant prove they were done on purpose but sure seems that way) She wants no contact from me or with me at this time, she has deleted me as a friend on another lifestyle community, she has asked that I not sendher any more ” have a good day” text messages ( which by the way she used to send me too)
(the wife sent the submissive the “have a good day” messages in response the husband wanting the wife to “be nice” to the submissive so that his relationship would work out.)
, she is no longer at the house when I get there ( which is fine she barely acknowledged me being there).
(The wife and husband agreed that since the submissive felt uncomfortable with the wife there, and the wife was not comfortable with the submissive in her home, that it would be better if the wife was not in the apartment when the submissive was there getting ready for a date with the husband. Additionally, it is the wifes perception, that one time she was there (with a headache) and stayed in the bedroom, that the submissive sounded disappointed that the wife was in her home at that time as that meant the submissive and the husband could not play there.)
She changed her status from “open relationship to ” married” a lot of little things
(the wifes status was always “married” as well as “in an open relationship”. The wife dropped “in an open relationship” status when she realized she was no longer in an open relationship. The wife believed that an open relationship included open communication, respect, and trust in each other and that is clearly what was not taking place) The submissives hurt feeling over the wife changing her own status caused even more conflict between the husband and wife.)
To me it feels like she is trying to make me disappear and not have to deal with her feelings, according to my Dom, she is still talking to him about the relationship, and her shutting me out is her way of dealing with it.
(“dealing” with the relationship, such a simple explanation for an even larger problem. Yes, the wife feels that she would like to have the submissive removed from her marriage. The submissive has added nothing positive to the marriage. The wife continues to talk to the husband in an attempt to open communication again and keep the marriage in tact.)
My Dom says he has no intentions of changing anything with me, he loves me and wants me in his life, but she is his wife, she will always come first. But in her words,, he doesnt love easily so if he says he loves you,, he loves you ( I am only the third person EVER he has loved and he met his wife at 14), so I am trusting him with my heart. Not an easy thing for me to do in a normal situation even more dificult now with his wife acting this way.
(the wife does understand opening the heart to another. But the wife also understands and has experience in other relationships to know what is right and what is wrong and what responsibility the secondary plays in those relationships. The submissive nor the husband have been acting appropriately in this “D/s” relationship. The relationship and the actions of both Dominant and submissive are far more boyfriend/girlfriend with a D/s flavor. At the time of this post, neither has a mentor of any kind (the submissive recently requested a mentor), the Dominant does not.)
I think I am venting more than anything here, I have no other outlet as I cant post anything on the other lifestyle community as she will see it or her friends would and it would get back to her some how..
(the wifes friends are also submissives, and post to the same site. The submissive signed her post with the same signage she uses for the “lifestyle community (Fetlife), and so it was obvious who wrote it).
I dont want to upset her and makes things worse for him.
(This is an offensive statement. The husband is not being abused by the wife wanting her needs met.)
I am just going to keep being myself, I am who I am, I mean her or their relationship no harm. I just want to be his sub, to love him and to be his friend.
(the wife would have been perfectly happy with the submissive “just being his sub”. The wife would have been perfectly happy that the submissive “love him”. The wife would be perfectly happy that the submissive be “his friend”. )
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Behind the Rocks
I work at being whole. I work hard at it. I try so hard to maintain control of my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. I have always taken the responsibility for who I am and what I become. The decisions I make are of my own doing. I do however, make decisions based on the fact that I am empathetic to others. I feel the pain they feel, either physical or mental. I sense more than most others, and I have been learning to read and acknowledge what I have always known I had the ability to do. That is how I know. I am no angel, if you piss me off, I will use those emotions against you.
As my life choices wrap around themselves, I'm finding more and more the need to connect and embrace what I know I can do. The flows of energy have been chaotic at the least. I'm presenting newer vibrant energies into my life, but I am cautious about how much of the energy I use and absorb, circulate. At the same time, my own energy field is changing and I welcome that change and hope that it will help the chaos effect that currently exists.
In working on that field, I saw something. A lake, a tranquil lake with glass like qualities. Clear, perfect, calm, smooth. Next to the lake, were boulders, large, round rocks, no sharp corners, no edges, perfectly complementing the shape and the surface of the beautiful lake in front of me. A I looked at the lake, I felt calm, knowing what I know, it didn't bother me, there were no negative feelings in my heart, no negative thoughts in my head, other than tranquility and happiness, my mind was silent.
Then, without warning, something stepped out from behind a rock. It was dark, walked on 2 legs, it had scales, it had a hard surface, huge bulging eyes, and it was ugly. It presented itself as "soul mate". Knowing that the word had not crossed my mind for either of them, I suddenly understood what was happening, and acknowledged it was there. Then I banished the monster that had come out from behind the rock, and "poof", it was gone.
During the night, more creatures crept, or at least tried to creep from behind the rocks. Each was met with a yellow banner and dismissed. Now that I recognize them, I can rule the creatures, not have them rule me.
On that same note, I have given myself permission to flex the "primary muscle". I know, that sounds strange, but what has been pointed out to me is that I have been so intent on making others happy and giving them what they want and what I perceive they need, that I have neglected what actually makes me happy and I need to focus on that more.
For example...in a situation at a common vanilla setting with our horses, we share time with with his submissive. During that time, a few things took place which, normally, I deal with and then get to share my frustrations with him. In these circumstances, because my frustration is with someone close to him, I didn't feel like I could tell him what was bothering me without giving him the feeling I was being petty and just didn't like it because it was her. Not the case (in most of the situations).
People who feel the need to interject: This annoys the hell out of me. I was asked to assist by collecting dues and paperwork. This includes answering questions and introductions as much as possible. Pretty much, making them feel welcomed. I've done this before, and I'm good at it. I'm personable, I smile, and I genuinely am an inviting person. As I'm collecting funds from one individual, she asked what the funds covered in specifics and how much she could participate. As I opened my mouth to answer, the submissive sitting on the other side of my horse chimes in over me and starts to answer. Because I do not wish to embarrass people, I simply closed my mouth and let her explain what she wanted and when she was done, I continued on with the rest of the information. This would annoy me with ANYONE. But in the past, I have gotten to share this with my husband and he would acknowledge my frustration, we would laugh and it would be over. This has stuck with me until now because, well, how can I share that with him with out him getting defensive.
Another frustration.....I am very conscious of my husbands horse business. I am so proud of him and how wonderful and talented he is with horses. I'm envious at times. When he is training, giving lessons, or working his horse, I leave him alone, I don't interrupt him unless I absolutely have to, I respect the professionalism he shows to his clients and the time they are paying him for, as well as his own time invested in his horse. So when it came to the question "what time is it"...I asked a couple of people sitting near me, and they didn't have watches or cell phones. The submissive (who should have been paying more attention to the cows she was chasing rather than what I was doing), thought we should ask my husband. I smiled and said, no, thats ok, and moved on to some people standing to the side and watching the sorting. I did not want to ask my husband as he was out in the far part of the arena working on his horse. He gets to have that time. I respect that. I let him have his time. As I rode over to ask the time, I hear the submissive yell across the arena "HEY (insert husbands name here), WHAT TIME IS IT?"...I was annoyed and she was on my last nerve...I had told her no and still, she felt the need to make herself known familiar to him as well as override me.....had it been anyone else, I probably would not have cared, but then again, anyone else would have not gone ahead with the call had I told them not to.
Then there was what I refer to as the "cock block"...this is where the submissive rides up so close to my husband and sits so close, that I cannot get my rightful place near him. Intentional or unintentional, this will not be allowed again. I will make my presence known, I will put myself in my rightful place next to my husband, and I will start asserting myself as his Primary partner, no matter who it makes feel uncomfortable.
As my life choices wrap around themselves, I'm finding more and more the need to connect and embrace what I know I can do. The flows of energy have been chaotic at the least. I'm presenting newer vibrant energies into my life, but I am cautious about how much of the energy I use and absorb, circulate. At the same time, my own energy field is changing and I welcome that change and hope that it will help the chaos effect that currently exists.
In working on that field, I saw something. A lake, a tranquil lake with glass like qualities. Clear, perfect, calm, smooth. Next to the lake, were boulders, large, round rocks, no sharp corners, no edges, perfectly complementing the shape and the surface of the beautiful lake in front of me. A I looked at the lake, I felt calm, knowing what I know, it didn't bother me, there were no negative feelings in my heart, no negative thoughts in my head, other than tranquility and happiness, my mind was silent.
Then, without warning, something stepped out from behind a rock. It was dark, walked on 2 legs, it had scales, it had a hard surface, huge bulging eyes, and it was ugly. It presented itself as "soul mate". Knowing that the word had not crossed my mind for either of them, I suddenly understood what was happening, and acknowledged it was there. Then I banished the monster that had come out from behind the rock, and "poof", it was gone.
During the night, more creatures crept, or at least tried to creep from behind the rocks. Each was met with a yellow banner and dismissed. Now that I recognize them, I can rule the creatures, not have them rule me.
On that same note, I have given myself permission to flex the "primary muscle". I know, that sounds strange, but what has been pointed out to me is that I have been so intent on making others happy and giving them what they want and what I perceive they need, that I have neglected what actually makes me happy and I need to focus on that more.
For example...in a situation at a common vanilla setting with our horses, we share time with with his submissive. During that time, a few things took place which, normally, I deal with and then get to share my frustrations with him. In these circumstances, because my frustration is with someone close to him, I didn't feel like I could tell him what was bothering me without giving him the feeling I was being petty and just didn't like it because it was her. Not the case (in most of the situations).
People who feel the need to interject: This annoys the hell out of me. I was asked to assist by collecting dues and paperwork. This includes answering questions and introductions as much as possible. Pretty much, making them feel welcomed. I've done this before, and I'm good at it. I'm personable, I smile, and I genuinely am an inviting person. As I'm collecting funds from one individual, she asked what the funds covered in specifics and how much she could participate. As I opened my mouth to answer, the submissive sitting on the other side of my horse chimes in over me and starts to answer. Because I do not wish to embarrass people, I simply closed my mouth and let her explain what she wanted and when she was done, I continued on with the rest of the information. This would annoy me with ANYONE. But in the past, I have gotten to share this with my husband and he would acknowledge my frustration, we would laugh and it would be over. This has stuck with me until now because, well, how can I share that with him with out him getting defensive.
Another frustration.....I am very conscious of my husbands horse business. I am so proud of him and how wonderful and talented he is with horses. I'm envious at times. When he is training, giving lessons, or working his horse, I leave him alone, I don't interrupt him unless I absolutely have to, I respect the professionalism he shows to his clients and the time they are paying him for, as well as his own time invested in his horse. So when it came to the question "what time is it"...I asked a couple of people sitting near me, and they didn't have watches or cell phones. The submissive (who should have been paying more attention to the cows she was chasing rather than what I was doing), thought we should ask my husband. I smiled and said, no, thats ok, and moved on to some people standing to the side and watching the sorting. I did not want to ask my husband as he was out in the far part of the arena working on his horse. He gets to have that time. I respect that. I let him have his time. As I rode over to ask the time, I hear the submissive yell across the arena "HEY (insert husbands name here), WHAT TIME IS IT?"...I was annoyed and she was on my last nerve...I had told her no and still, she felt the need to make herself known familiar to him as well as override me.....had it been anyone else, I probably would not have cared, but then again, anyone else would have not gone ahead with the call had I told them not to.
Then there was what I refer to as the "cock block"...this is where the submissive rides up so close to my husband and sits so close, that I cannot get my rightful place near him. Intentional or unintentional, this will not be allowed again. I will make my presence known, I will put myself in my rightful place next to my husband, and I will start asserting myself as his Primary partner, no matter who it makes feel uncomfortable.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Close to the Final Farewell
The weeks have turned into months. The pain is more excruciating than I could have possibly imagined. I never thought I would ever find myself in the position I am in. But I did make a choice. I did make a choice to enter into something that had risk. This is why I don't gamble. I suck at it.
Just now, starting new things, trying to fix was has been broken for so long, and every corner, seems to bring around another near head on collision. I can't say what I feel any longer.....actually, I can say what I feel, but it just causes more defenses... I can't write what I feel...this too, is incorrect, I can write, but then it's upsetting and again, more defenses. Limitations are all around me. Don't hurt those that present themselves as weak. Because obviously, I need no protection. Nothing hurts me. I am made of stone. Of steel. I have no heart that breaks... Yea, me, it really doesn't feel like it matters at all. When it should. And other times, It feels like I'm the only one who matters. But that's only when I say it.
So the serious consideration to say goodbye to the choice. Give up what I want in order to salvage what might possibly still exist. That means everything. The Fetlife, the phone sex, the play partners. Go back to the monogomous vanilla life where you exist daily and bury what is within you. At least then, I will know what is around the corner.....
How did I reach this turning point? A simple, beautiful sunset. Something so magical, so fulfilling, and yet, within seconds, after watching the glorious energy leave my sight, life turned a corner, and what happened next... that cannot be undone.
Just now, starting new things, trying to fix was has been broken for so long, and every corner, seems to bring around another near head on collision. I can't say what I feel any longer.....actually, I can say what I feel, but it just causes more defenses... I can't write what I feel...this too, is incorrect, I can write, but then it's upsetting and again, more defenses. Limitations are all around me. Don't hurt those that present themselves as weak. Because obviously, I need no protection. Nothing hurts me. I am made of stone. Of steel. I have no heart that breaks... Yea, me, it really doesn't feel like it matters at all. When it should. And other times, It feels like I'm the only one who matters. But that's only when I say it.
So the serious consideration to say goodbye to the choice. Give up what I want in order to salvage what might possibly still exist. That means everything. The Fetlife, the phone sex, the play partners. Go back to the monogomous vanilla life where you exist daily and bury what is within you. At least then, I will know what is around the corner.....
How did I reach this turning point? A simple, beautiful sunset. Something so magical, so fulfilling, and yet, within seconds, after watching the glorious energy leave my sight, life turned a corner, and what happened next... that cannot be undone.
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