This past weekend was supposed to be a special event weekend for us. We talked about it, planned for it, we were looking forward to getting to share our experiences and classes together. Months ago, we put together our plan. He and I would go to classes during the day together or separate and meet up after. I would let him take his submissive to the parties for the evenings. After all, the parties are where he would be able to show off his abilities and it was the right place for him to spend time with her.
She was, of course, upset that I would even dare want part of that weekend to be about me and my husband, for how dare I actually expect to have time with him considering he was HER Dominant. I really should learn my place don't you think...
So as our relationship started deteriorating more and more, other options for me have started to show themselves. Stuart asked me to help him with sales at his vendors booth and I was asked to hold a prestigious position as a Lead Dungeon Monitor for the large Kinkfest parties. This would take up a large amount of my time and also give me free registration for the event. I needed this to keep me focused on anything but my almost non-existent marriage. I didn't want to be something he had to fit into his schedule with his submissive. This allowed me to just worry about me and he could go be with who he wanted to be with. I just didn't care. Yet I did. Stupid place to be. Stupid way to feel. But it is exactly how I felt.
Over the weekend, I was hit with how important I really wasn't to him. Friday, Saturday, nights, I went home, alone, and not once did he bother to check on me and make sure I made it home safely. He just didn't care. Being beside someone else was more important to him. It hurt the first night, it was annoying the second night.
As I saw him in the hallway at the end of the event, he was waiting for his sub to come out of the restroom. He asked me for a hug. It felt uncomfortable. Forced. I didn't feel loved. I felt warmer receiving hugs from pure strangers during the day that I was just meeting than from the man I've spent the last 28 years with. He told me they were done and leaving for home now. I still had to clean up in the vending and pack up the cars. He was going to feed the horses. I figured he'd be home by the time I got there and then off to feed the horses.
I guess they just couldn't tear themselves away from each other, because I got home from the event 30 minutes before he did, even after cleaning up and loading out. I guess again, I felt lied to that they were leaving. Again, proving to me, that seeing me after being away from me for a whole weekend, was definately not a priority in his life. We were supposed to have dinner together. I didn't want to see him now. So i texted him I was not hungry and was going to bed. I took a shower, popped down 3 sleeping pills, and went into a deep sleep. It felt wonderful to just disappear and not have to think about the mental and physical pain I was in.
He has been attentive today. But its probably all to late. He said he's getting the money he has coming to him for his bonus. I'm sure it will give him everything he needs to treat his submissive to all the wonderful special dinners and gifts she deserves. I don't want any of it. I just want him to admit he doesn't really care anymore and to let me go so I can find someone who will love me.
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