How I Spent My Day

Kinkfest is coming in a few days.  I can bury myself in the needs of other.  People who want me there.  Feeling sorry for myself?   Hmmm, maybe...but it is HOW I FEEL and right now, I get to make myself #1 because nobody else is.

Today I worked.  I got calls, made people happy, excited to talk to me.  People went to my website, looked at my pictures and wanted me.  That right there lifted my spirits.  Marketed myself, my business.  I am going to be successful at this, I believe that.  I am working with such a talented group of women.  None of them want to see me fail either.  I need that unity right now.

There are people at Sesso looking forward to seeing me again too.  How can I not smile about that.  Still.  I can't find happiness in my heart.  How I wish I would just fall head over heals in love with someone and not look back.  But I know me.  I'll always look back.  It's my personality.  Holidays will be the worst.

Kyrie is skyping with us tonight.  She always asks me if we are doing ok.  I always lie to her.  What am I supposed to tell her.  NO?  No Kyrie, we are doing really bad and very soon, your father and I will probably not be together anymore.  Not because we don't love each other.  What is the reason?  Should I just live like this the rest of my life?  Unfulfilled with no affection?  Waiting for his relationship to end?  Even when it does end (and yes, I know it will sooner or later), do I want him to only come back to me because he has nothing else?  If he can't find passion and desire for me now, why would I accept being the rebound?

I wondered if we should separate for awhile.  To see if he would realize what he was letting go.  But Why?  Why make myself wait around for something that isn't for me anymore.  God I'm feeling stupid.  Stupid for believing, stupid for coming back, stupid to think love really would come through as the strongest link.  I was so fucking wrong.

So I spent my day working.  Burying myself.  And thinking about it constantly.

You Asked Me Not To Give Up On You

But I am.

I don't want to chase anymore.  Not for someone who doesn't see me, who doesn't desire me, who doesn't want me.

I'm tired.  I ask of you one simple thing.  Let me go if you can't find desire for me.

I want more from my life than just a room mate.  My marriage vows were important.  They were forever.  No, I don't want to be friends later.  No, I don't want to be lovers later.  No, I don't want any of those things we once shared.  Take the things, the passions, the memories.  They will only bring me pain.  Pain of something that once was.  Something I so believed in would be forever.

My mother told me many times, never count on a man for your happiness.  Very few things my mother told me did I take to heart.  I watched her live a very unhappy life.  I swore I would not live or die that way.

I remember pushing you away long ago when I was 16 and figuring out I was falling in love with you and not able to handle being away from you.  It was then that you told me to you would be with me forever.  And I believed you.  I counted on you.  I'll never regret that decision.  My life with you was not wasted.  Just the last year has been.

My regrets all lie in this past year.  Of what we were in the January of 2011.  How strong and caring and loving and passionate we were for each other.  And now, a year later.  It's gone.  But I won't take responsibility for the death.  I tried to be open and sharing and give everything that you wanted, everything you said you needed.  And what I got in return, was all a lie.  All the things we agreed would never happen.  They have happened.  I find that what you really needed was something far more needy, clingy, and toxic.  Something that consumed you and made your life all but relaxing and peaceful.  I don't apologize for not being those things.  They are not me.  I cannot and do not aspire to be any of it.

I wanted to share my life with you.  I wanted you to share your life with me.  But you can't, or you won't.  I haven't figured that out yet.  Just loving me isn't enough.  I want, I deserve more than that.  I deserve desire.  I deserve affection.  I deserve to be part of someones life who relishes in what I have to offer.

At this point, I search for affection from strangers, and I find it.  But it's not love.  Not the love I wanted and needed from the one person I devoted my life to.

I'm fading from you and I don't know if we will make it past this point.  I'm losing hope.

Resentment

So the submissive has posted for all the kink world to see, her current marital issues with her husband and his girlfriend.  Pretty much, this shows me that not only are they having issues, but that she is making it impossible for the two of them to show face in the kink community without being dubbed the trouble causers.  The thing here is, not all the information is being relayed in the thread in a truthful context.  But that is the M.O.  and people choose to follow the one who cries first.  After that, you just look like some hysterical bitch trying to get even, instead of someone attempting to save face and tell their side of the story.  Yea, been there, done that with this one.  Have no intention of trying to go back there again.  It's just not worth it.

I also know now, that she has not been told she only has submissive status in my husbands life.  That she is no longer considered or has any chance in my marriage to ever be a secondary.  She sealed that casket when she texted him "I resent Kylie".  But we all know that story.


An additional annoyance, as I've stated before, is that she continues to spread the story (which she truly believes or she wouldn't be able to tell it the same way EVERY time she does) that I did a complete 180 when he told her he loved her.  Specifically, she was supposed to have told very clearly, that my problem with her actions and attitude towards myself and my marriage started long before those words were ever spoken.  But no attempt has been made to tell her the truth.  I may be taking that into my own hands soon.  I'd love nothing more than to tell the little bitch exactly where she stands.

I'm sad that he doesn't see he has access to so many who could be part of our lives.  I would love nothing more than to have someone in his life who loved him and truly submitted to him (not a dominant playing submissive).  I would love to have someone I could laugh and smile with, who wasn't on the backside using tears and "emotional walls" and mental bondage to keep him feeling responsible not to hurt her any more than she has been hurt.  She relies on him now for her sanity.  How the fuck is he supposed to pull away from that?  I rely on him to be my wonderful loving and caring husband.  That doesn't have much of a draw it seems.

I wonder, if he knows she communicates with people and doesnt' tell him.  If he knows she tells them these things about me.  I wonder if he knows she uses an annoymous poster on one of the groups to put her story out there.  Guess that didnt' work and she wasn't getting enough "poor girl"....so she decided to go public.  I wonder how long she can make this sabotage continue without someone calling her on her shit.

I still haven't had sex with my husband in weeks.  He shows no desire.  Gets his sex from someone else so why should he care.  I've gone out to meet 2 new people this past week, and he has not bothered to ask what happened, find out if I was safe, or find out anything about them.  Yea, I feel so important.

I'm becoming very detached.  Angered that we are getting to this place again.  Pissed that he isn't making her fucking behave. Anxious that I don't have the same income happening as with my old job.

I resent being where we are now.  In this place in our lives.  I hate the saddness.  I hate the uncertainty.  I hate the feeling of total loss and why even try.

I keep telling myself.  You try because you love him.  But it always ends up right back here again.

Theres more, but right now, I just want to not think....or feel.

A Wednesday Morning

It's Wednesday morning.  It's winter.  It's Oregon.  So there is nothing to be expected but rain and cold.

I'm working on finding a few fuck buddies in the local area.  Something to take the edge off.  Fill the gap (so to speak).

Tried a toy yesterday, yea, that is so not working for me.  I need real warm flesh.  The touch of a man.  That is what excites me.

Business has been slow the past couple of days, but Sunday and Mondays are my slow days.  I expected Tuesday to pick up, but I think the dispatch system might have been down so that would explain that.

I should ride my horse today.  I should go do cardio.  I should write some work blogs.  I should post items on craigslist to sell.  I should sleep.

I'm stressed about money.  I'm stressed that we aren't talking.

I'm thankful that I'm at least still hearing him say "I love you".

What Does Sex Have To Do With It?

EVERYTHING!

Over the past few days, I have had to acknowledge the truth, and believe me, it hurt, but it is the truth.

I am in a Sexless Marriage.

It's not like this is the first time.  I realize that.  It was there long before any of this other crap ever started.  We had become two good friends, sleeping together, loving the person in bed next to us.  The routine was the same, but we rarely had sex.  The difference was, at that time, there was no other person he was having sex with.


Fast forward to now.  Because now really is the only time that matters.  This isn't about other people.  This is about me, my husband, my marriage, my relationship with the man I care about, I adore, I have loved since I was 16 years old, and who I still am in love with.  Keywords "IN LOVE WITH".

That's right.  I don't just love my husband, I am IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND.  Maybe that is why it seems so hard to see what we have become.

Together, a few months ago, we made this list of rules, guidelines, something to get us back on track so that he could continue his Dominant/submissive relationship and our marriage could continue to evolve without everything imploding.  I needed structure, I needed basic ground rules, I needed to know what to expect.  I don't do well with uncertainty.  My mind begins to spin and then all kinds of monsters come crawling out from behind the rocks.

So one of the rules we agreed to was regarding sex.  It was bothering me that my husband was not having sex with me, but was having sex with someone else 2-3 times (if not more) a week.  The understanding we came to was that we shouldn't be having sex with someone else if we can't give that to our spouse.  Seemed simple at the time.

What I have had to acknowledge, looking back on the past 2 months, is that I have been getting sex.  I get it one time per week, on the morning that he is about to go on a 12-24 hour date.  I termed it as "pity sex". 

That kind of sex where you know it's your responsibility to service her, and it's not that you don't like to, it's just that you really have no urge to.  But you did agree to do it, so flip the covers off, roll her over, insert penis, and deposit.  Tell her you love her, roll off, go take a shower, then your free to look forward to the night ahead without feeling like you haven't met your side of the bargain.

Wow, makes a girl feel so special.

I went to Vegas this past weekend.  It was a business trip.  He had his overnight date planned, no biggy.  They had a date Thursday night, but he had no plans to fuck that night, so my pity sex was saved for Friday morning before my flight.  When I came home from Vegas, I wanted so bad to be held tight and snuggled up, wanted, desired, to have him make love with me.

I did get a warm embrace, I did get snuggles when we crawled into bed, and I did get I love yous.  No love making.  Monday, same thing, I was snuzzling up to him on the couch, but I was getting no reaction.  Tuesday, I got him in bed, and began giving him a blow job, only to hear him start to snore about 10 minutes into it.

This past Friday, he had a date planned.  As usual, I felt the covers thrown off me on Friday morning and he started to roll me over on my back.  I made the decision at that moment, that I would no longer accept pity fucks.  I rolled him back and told him no.  He laid there a few minutes, said he loved me, and went and took his shower.  We didn't speak of it again.

His date lasted from 6pm to 4am.  I wondered why he came home early.  It was because he had to work on Saturday morning at 7am.  Not much sleep and after a long night of Dominating a needy submissive.  He was wiped out.  He came home after work in the early afternoon and napped.  I woke him up at about 5pm so we could go check into the Hotel for our date.

Yes, "our date".  We had planned a date night for Saturday.  A hotel I had told him about where they had jacuzzi tubs big enough for 2 and since we had not been able to do our dinner dates in the past 3 months, I thought, why not.  I've spent wonderful romantic nights in these tubs with others, why shouldn't it be with the one man I love.

Problem was he slept through 90% of the night in the hotel, and, you guessed it, I still didn't get any physical love, and at this time, still haven't.

So how do I deal with this?  It's simple.  I'm numb.  I'm burying myself in work, building my business of talking to men to do find me attractive, alluring, sexually exciting.  Men who would adore touching me, holding me, making me feel special and wanted.  Men who tell me everyday, how lucky my husband is.

Someone likes to use the term "putting up emotional walls".  They aren't walls for me, nor do I need to tell him in order to get him to give me attention.  He doesn't see she says it to everyone.  It's how she gets attention.   I've thought about it, maybe even tried for that attention.  It's just not me.  Nor, do I want to be that kind of person, one who controls and manipulates through emotional bondage.  Maybe someday he will see if for what it is.  It's annoying and I would like to protect him from it, but he shut me out of protecting him long ago.

I'm shutting down inside.  I know that.  I'm not making myself desireable to him that way, I know that too.  But when I was being happy, feeling romantic, trying to show him just how much he was loved and wanted, I wasn't getting desire from him either.  So I'm just pulling back.  If he decides he wants me, desires me, well then of course I want it.  But I have to accept, it's not something I should hope for anymore.

A New Hunger

It's a new year, so I suppose that is why I'm feeling the urge to shed off all the negative energy and skin that has existed for the past year.

I want to start new, but I'm afraid if I do, it will all return again to how it was.  But the difference is, now I know, that if it does go that way.  I have the strength to do what is right for me.  I guess that is my way of saying, I let go.

Where this time last year, I felt like there was really nothing to do, no place to go, emptiness... I feel right now like I have so much to accomplish, to experience, to finish, that I can't seem to organize my thoughts.

I have focused so highly on keeping my marriage in tact that I've let everything else go.  It's been up and down like a roller coaster. I needed some grounding.  I know I have the support offered, but until recently, I don't think I took advantage of what has been there.  By seeing that, I am also considering taking advantage of what is being offered.  But then the fear sets back in again.

I am not sleeping right now.  I'm restless, wanting, waiting, desire is getting the better of me in this sleep deprived state.

The log in the fireplace is glowing embers now.  I need to buy a new box.  I guess that's how I feel, I've been a pile of embers for the past 12 months.  Now it's time to light a new flame.

And see what burns.

The Months In Between

In between then and now, so much has happened.

Lies, Deceptions, Assumptions, and Half Truths.

In that course of time, the realization hit, finally, when the last lie took place, the bags were hastily packed, and the wedding ring was laid on the edge of the table.

I locked the door behind me, and walked away.  I had no intentions of returning.

But I did, and since that time, we have been up and down, trying hard to hold on.

It's painful sometimes, because you can't seem to understand that there is no place in our marriage for a person who does not respect me as your wife and who I have absolutely nothing in common with or any desire to associate with.  This part is not jealousy, this part is purely YOU ARE RISKING EVERYTHING for what?

She has been reduced to "just a submissive".  She has no placement.  Where she used to have a notion of "secondary" status, she no long has any placement.  She is just as you have said, she is JUST A SUBMISSIVE.

Although you claim she is your friend.  I can tell you any "friend" that would allow in my life that tried to do the things she has done, would have been shown the door long ago.  But you don't see it, and I'm not going to spend my life pointing it out to you.

I'm frustrated that you lock yourselves away from the world for a D/s date, but do not intertwine with the community or show her off like a submissive should be shown.  So really, I've relinquished her in my eyes to more of a whore.  Buy her expensive jewelry, take her out to dinner, get a hotel room, and fuck her.  In that respect, she's cheap.  Works for me.

There are other times, I so wish you had someone who we could welcome into our home again.  Who shared the common interests of both of us and did not see the need to talk badly about me to you behind my back.  Yes, that would be my dream for you...for us.