What Does Sex Have To Do With It?

EVERYTHING!

Over the past few days, I have had to acknowledge the truth, and believe me, it hurt, but it is the truth.

I am in a Sexless Marriage.

It's not like this is the first time.  I realize that.  It was there long before any of this other crap ever started.  We had become two good friends, sleeping together, loving the person in bed next to us.  The routine was the same, but we rarely had sex.  The difference was, at that time, there was no other person he was having sex with.


Fast forward to now.  Because now really is the only time that matters.  This isn't about other people.  This is about me, my husband, my marriage, my relationship with the man I care about, I adore, I have loved since I was 16 years old, and who I still am in love with.  Keywords "IN LOVE WITH".

That's right.  I don't just love my husband, I am IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND.  Maybe that is why it seems so hard to see what we have become.

Together, a few months ago, we made this list of rules, guidelines, something to get us back on track so that he could continue his Dominant/submissive relationship and our marriage could continue to evolve without everything imploding.  I needed structure, I needed basic ground rules, I needed to know what to expect.  I don't do well with uncertainty.  My mind begins to spin and then all kinds of monsters come crawling out from behind the rocks.

So one of the rules we agreed to was regarding sex.  It was bothering me that my husband was not having sex with me, but was having sex with someone else 2-3 times (if not more) a week.  The understanding we came to was that we shouldn't be having sex with someone else if we can't give that to our spouse.  Seemed simple at the time.

What I have had to acknowledge, looking back on the past 2 months, is that I have been getting sex.  I get it one time per week, on the morning that he is about to go on a 12-24 hour date.  I termed it as "pity sex". 

That kind of sex where you know it's your responsibility to service her, and it's not that you don't like to, it's just that you really have no urge to.  But you did agree to do it, so flip the covers off, roll her over, insert penis, and deposit.  Tell her you love her, roll off, go take a shower, then your free to look forward to the night ahead without feeling like you haven't met your side of the bargain.

Wow, makes a girl feel so special.

I went to Vegas this past weekend.  It was a business trip.  He had his overnight date planned, no biggy.  They had a date Thursday night, but he had no plans to fuck that night, so my pity sex was saved for Friday morning before my flight.  When I came home from Vegas, I wanted so bad to be held tight and snuggled up, wanted, desired, to have him make love with me.

I did get a warm embrace, I did get snuggles when we crawled into bed, and I did get I love yous.  No love making.  Monday, same thing, I was snuzzling up to him on the couch, but I was getting no reaction.  Tuesday, I got him in bed, and began giving him a blow job, only to hear him start to snore about 10 minutes into it.

This past Friday, he had a date planned.  As usual, I felt the covers thrown off me on Friday morning and he started to roll me over on my back.  I made the decision at that moment, that I would no longer accept pity fucks.  I rolled him back and told him no.  He laid there a few minutes, said he loved me, and went and took his shower.  We didn't speak of it again.

His date lasted from 6pm to 4am.  I wondered why he came home early.  It was because he had to work on Saturday morning at 7am.  Not much sleep and after a long night of Dominating a needy submissive.  He was wiped out.  He came home after work in the early afternoon and napped.  I woke him up at about 5pm so we could go check into the Hotel for our date.

Yes, "our date".  We had planned a date night for Saturday.  A hotel I had told him about where they had jacuzzi tubs big enough for 2 and since we had not been able to do our dinner dates in the past 3 months, I thought, why not.  I've spent wonderful romantic nights in these tubs with others, why shouldn't it be with the one man I love.

Problem was he slept through 90% of the night in the hotel, and, you guessed it, I still didn't get any physical love, and at this time, still haven't.

So how do I deal with this?  It's simple.  I'm numb.  I'm burying myself in work, building my business of talking to men to do find me attractive, alluring, sexually exciting.  Men who would adore touching me, holding me, making me feel special and wanted.  Men who tell me everyday, how lucky my husband is.

Someone likes to use the term "putting up emotional walls".  They aren't walls for me, nor do I need to tell him in order to get him to give me attention.  He doesn't see she says it to everyone.  It's how she gets attention.   I've thought about it, maybe even tried for that attention.  It's just not me.  Nor, do I want to be that kind of person, one who controls and manipulates through emotional bondage.  Maybe someday he will see if for what it is.  It's annoying and I would like to protect him from it, but he shut me out of protecting him long ago.

I'm shutting down inside.  I know that.  I'm not making myself desireable to him that way, I know that too.  But when I was being happy, feeling romantic, trying to show him just how much he was loved and wanted, I wasn't getting desire from him either.  So I'm just pulling back.  If he decides he wants me, desires me, well then of course I want it.  But I have to accept, it's not something I should hope for anymore.

A New Hunger

It's a new year, so I suppose that is why I'm feeling the urge to shed off all the negative energy and skin that has existed for the past year.

I want to start new, but I'm afraid if I do, it will all return again to how it was.  But the difference is, now I know, that if it does go that way.  I have the strength to do what is right for me.  I guess that is my way of saying, I let go.

Where this time last year, I felt like there was really nothing to do, no place to go, emptiness... I feel right now like I have so much to accomplish, to experience, to finish, that I can't seem to organize my thoughts.

I have focused so highly on keeping my marriage in tact that I've let everything else go.  It's been up and down like a roller coaster. I needed some grounding.  I know I have the support offered, but until recently, I don't think I took advantage of what has been there.  By seeing that, I am also considering taking advantage of what is being offered.  But then the fear sets back in again.

I am not sleeping right now.  I'm restless, wanting, waiting, desire is getting the better of me in this sleep deprived state.

The log in the fireplace is glowing embers now.  I need to buy a new box.  I guess that's how I feel, I've been a pile of embers for the past 12 months.  Now it's time to light a new flame.

And see what burns.

The Months In Between

In between then and now, so much has happened.

Lies, Deceptions, Assumptions, and Half Truths.

In that course of time, the realization hit, finally, when the last lie took place, the bags were hastily packed, and the wedding ring was laid on the edge of the table.

I locked the door behind me, and walked away.  I had no intentions of returning.

But I did, and since that time, we have been up and down, trying hard to hold on.

It's painful sometimes, because you can't seem to understand that there is no place in our marriage for a person who does not respect me as your wife and who I have absolutely nothing in common with or any desire to associate with.  This part is not jealousy, this part is purely YOU ARE RISKING EVERYTHING for what?

She has been reduced to "just a submissive".  She has no placement.  Where she used to have a notion of "secondary" status, she no long has any placement.  She is just as you have said, she is JUST A SUBMISSIVE.

Although you claim she is your friend.  I can tell you any "friend" that would allow in my life that tried to do the things she has done, would have been shown the door long ago.  But you don't see it, and I'm not going to spend my life pointing it out to you.

I'm frustrated that you lock yourselves away from the world for a D/s date, but do not intertwine with the community or show her off like a submissive should be shown.  So really, I've relinquished her in my eyes to more of a whore.  Buy her expensive jewelry, take her out to dinner, get a hotel room, and fuck her.  In that respect, she's cheap.  Works for me.

There are other times, I so wish you had someone who we could welcome into our home again.  Who shared the common interests of both of us and did not see the need to talk badly about me to you behind my back.  Yes, that would be my dream for you...for us.

I Don't Know How

I don't know how to get you to understand what I need.
Even when I tell you, it's like you don't hear me.
Just when I think you might understand
I figure out you really didn't.

It hurts that you didn't miss me while we were apart.
If you did, you never bothered to mention it.
It hurts that you didn't look forward to seeing me after being gone
If you did, you never bother to tell me.
It hurts that you didn't have any sexual desire for me when we came home.
If you did, you certainly haven't shown it.

I don't know how to keep giving and live with not getting back from you what I need
I don't know how to tell you what I need anymore.
I don't know how to show you what I need anymore.

I want to be wanted.
I want to be missed.
I want to be desired.
I want to be loved without asking.

I've given all of those things and more.

and I don't know how to give anymore.....

Lifes Seasons

Winter came much earlier than anticipated.  It was a deep cold.  Penetrating, and unbareable the colder it became.  Some days, there seemed to be warmth, but that was only when a log was placed on the fire or a blanket was wrapped around.  The cold was held out by a barrier, but the winter itself still remained.

Then a hint of spring.  Some color in the sky.  Flowers that try to bloom.  But winter has not given in yet an again the cold came through.  The tiny petals that had burst into color were killed off.  The clouds covered the spotty rays of sun, and the blanket came out again.

After months which seemed like years, summer finally came.  The blue of the sky, the smell of the breeze, all the wonderful feelings of sweet sunshine on my skin.  Focusing on the sun, wanting it never to go away, I do all I can to make it want to stay.  To make it feel this is the only planet that can matter. There is no place for winter here.  There is no need for clouds or rain or freezing.

But fall has hit.  I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t.  The leaves started changing fast and without notice.  It seemed too soon.  I knew it couldn’t last.  The promise of summer is just that, a promise.  Promises are something I don’t put much faith in.  Nothing to hold summer here, nothing to say the spring or fall or even winter won’t return and be deeper, colder, darker than it was before.

I feel the cold returning.  I’ve pulled out my blanket and it covers and protects me.

Until summer returns.

The Brightness of Today

I'm going on the second week of happy.

No, there are no drugs.

Some things have changed, for the better.  Other things, still remain the same, and I really don't see them changing any time soon.  The most important part of all this is that I am finding a way to wrap my mind around it so that it isn't tearing me up inside.

No, we are not friends, I doubt that will ever be, but I am being tolerant.  As long as everyone minds their manners and understand I will not be walked on, I think everything will be fine.  If that is "Intimidating", then so be it.  I will not run from that word any longer.

I am enjoying the limited time I do get to spend with my husband.  We are spending more and more quality in our time together, less tension.  We still don't talk like we used to about our lives (I miss that), but at least it doesn't feel (to me) like there is a huge elephant in the room.  I love him dearly and I hope as time goes on, the desires will return.

I am enjoying riding my horse.  I absolutely LOVE riding my horse.  Tristan is my solid foundation.  I'm finding that a 30 minute ride in the arena is as therapeutic for me as a 5 hour ride around the lake.  I enjoy him so much.  I want to learn to drive the horse trailer so I can go ride by myself and not rely on someone to take me.  Hell, maybe I should start by just learning to load and unload my own horse...ya think?

I am back in touch with people again.  Friends of all sorts who have been on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back.  I like the excitement I feel from them.  The support they have given me.  New friends, new play partners, new worlds I've never even considered touching before, all are on my horizon.

The sun seems to be rising, the warmth is hitting my skin.

I'm working on being whole, again.

Both Sides

Recently, a Submissive posted on a public site regarding her Doms "Insecure Spouse".

It could have gone unnoticed, had she not signed it with the same signature she uses in her Fetlife postings.

The wife she refers to, wouldn't have noticed it either, had it not been for other submissives who go to the same website. Friends of the wife, and actually, a couple of people who have contacted her since, noticed the post and asked if she had seen it.

Obviously, now she has...

So there are 3 sides to every story. In this case, the submissive/girlfriend, the (insecure)wife, and the Truth.

Perception is part of the truth, we all must keep that in mind when going on the attack.

Here is the submissives public post (italicized will be the Insecure wife comments).

When I first met my Dom, his wife was very supportive of our relationship, enjoyed watching it grow and blossom.
(very true. His wife wanted him to have this experience. She wanted him to have the connection and feeling of having a submissive in his life. She hoped this would be an attribute to the marriage they already shared.)
She has been in the lifestyle longer than any of us and was very willing to offer advice to help me deal with my husbands new long distance polyamorous relationship with his girlfirend. She encouraged me to let him go see her in her home state, to let him love her and her love him etc.
(again, very true. The couple had already entered into their poly relationship and were asking for advice and wanted to know what rules and boundaries others had set who seemed happy, respectful, and committed to each other.)
But now that her husband ( my dom) has said he Loves me, her whole attitude has changed.
(Important to note, the wife was having conversations with the husband regarding broken agreements and rules long before the "I love you" words were spoken. Additionally, it was not the "I love you" that was a problem, it was the fact that he had agreed to discuss with his wife any deeper feelings before announcing them to the submissive.)
She isnt able to deal with it.
(Another incorrect statement. The wife is not concerned, nor affected by her husband loving another).
She has gone from being a “friend”, to being very cold , rude and down right mean to me at times.
(No "friendship" had yet been established between the wife and the submissive. Ironically, the wife had kept a safe distance from the submissive regarding "friendship" just so that the boundaries stayed clear. The wife also made sure the submissive knew the boundaries of their relationship from the beginning, in very clear words, in very clear conversations. The cold, yes, as time progressed and the wife was presented into situations where she felt no longer connected to her husband, the submissive did not get the same warm welcome. Rude or Mean? The wife would certainly like clear instances of when those treatments would have taken place.)
She has put on a “happy face” for his sake at times and in the beginning she at least pretended to welcome me into their home.
(In the beginning, the wife was very welcoming to the submissive. Purchasing special towels and personal items for the submissive to use while preparing herself in their home so that she would not feel like just any other "guest". At a specific point in time, the husband had told the wife that he could not make his relationship with his submissive work unless the wife acted more warmly towards the submissive. So yes, the “happy face” was for him, something he requested. At any point the submissive felt welcomed into the couples home, she truly was welcome, at that point in time. When she was no longer welcomed by the wife, there was no pretending that she was.)
(She has put very strict time limits on how long we can see each other, she has gone from rarely doing anything with him ( his words) to now not wanting to be apart from him.
(The wife asked her husband to be home by 2am instead of 3am or 4am on weeknights because she would like to have him in her bed for at least some closeness prior to him getting up at 5am and leaving for work. It is important to know that the wife would not have seen her husband since 5am that morning, so almost an entire 24 hours would have gone by before she saw him again, only to have him get up and leave for work within a couple of hours. The Dom and his submissive are allowed to stay out till 4am on weekends. At the time the submissives post was made, the husband had NO time limitations as the wife had decided she would let him go and hope he would make the right decisions for their marriage.)
(...additionally spending more time together was something the husband and wife had been trying to do prior to the submissive entering into their lives. The husband had requested the wife "want" to spend more time with him and he in return, was showing her he “wanted” to spend time with her as well, which was different than in the past. The husband has asked if it was relayed that he was enjoying and really liked his wife wanting to spend so much time with him now. Interestingly enough, the submissive did not post that piece of information here.)
She is a very Strong personality ( she is a top) and the first woman I have ever been intimidated by.
(The wife has always been very straight forward and clear to the submissive from the very beginning about her place in the heirarchy of the relationship.) 

 I have told her I have no intentions of coming between the two of them and she made it very clear that I do not have that power, so why is she so insecure?
(The wife is not insecure about the submissive. The wife is sad and heartbroken that her husband has shown such little respect, remorse, or thought in how his actions have affected his wife, her feelings, or her trust, as it was perceived that he did not care.)
(The wife has told the submissive multiple times to stay out of what is going on in the marriage as it is between the wife and the husband to work out their communication problems. The submissive has continuously used her knowledge of the problems between the husband and wife to put herself in a position of confidant and now knows "the right things to say" to manipulate her own agenda no matter what the effect on the Dom or his relationship with his wife, something that is not acceptable in the swinging or poly world).
my dom has asked me to let him worry about her and I just take care of my relationship with him.
(a very good idea in a perfect world. Still, is it ok to ignore what you know is happening just for your own happiness?)
I am trying to do that, but I feel like he is caught in the middle of two women that he loves and I dont like it.
(If the submissive was truly worried about how "in the middle he was", she would respectfully take a stand and step back to let the husband work out his marriage with his wife. Instead, she continually requests more time and more dates, more texts, more phone calls. The husband in return, gives her what she wants (not saying he doesn’t want that too and does request more contact), and/or "needs", which leaves his wife wanting and needing the same, but not getting her needs met.)
I try really hard to not say anything to him about her in a negative way.
(the submissive may not outright say negative things about the wife, but the words she uses places the wife in a negative light that is already a problem area for the couple. The husband, does not stand up for the wife in these instances. Instead, he allows the submissive to state how she feels and allows the wife to be perceived as “the problem” and therefore "making it hard for them".)
Now starting on the 18th I will be seeing them in a vanilla setting twice a week. the last time we were in that situation she wouldnt even speak to me or look at me if she did say something when I asked her a question
(could it be, that the wife, may have been attempting to not be a bitch to the submissive at a time when things were very bad between the wife and the husband? Could it be possible, that the submissive was asking questions of the wife that she would not like the answer to? And how did the submissive responde? By making sure the husband knew that she had cried all the way home.  Which made the tension between husband and wife even more strained)
this time there is a chance we could end up being partners at this vanilla event..I am concerned about how she is going to be.  I understand her insecurities with her husband loving me,
(The submissive has no idea what the wifes “insecurities” are as the wife has never told her of the way she perceives she is being treated by the husband. The wife has not told the submissive that she does not get sex on a basis of him wanting or desiring her, because his time spent with the submissive wipes him out and he wants to sleep all the next day. The wife has not told the submissive of how the husband jumps to the submissives defense everytime they try to talk about the situation and the wife feels like the outsider. The submissive knows nothing about what truly is taking place in the marriage of the husband and wife and therefore, cannot possibly know what the wife is feeling.) I too was facing those same feelings with my husbands love for his girlfriend,
(the submissive is NOT having the same feelings as the wife in this situation as it is not about the husband loving the submissive. It is about broken agreements, poor communication, and trust issues). but I don’t feel that justifies her behavior, I would never treat a person the way she has treated me or do the things she has done to irritate me ( I cant prove they were done on purpose but sure seems that way) She wants no contact from me or with me at this time, she has deleted me as a friend on another lifestyle community, she has asked that I not sendher any more ” have a good day” text messages ( which by the way she used to send me too)
(the wife sent the submissive the “have a good day” messages in response the husband wanting the wife to “be nice” to the submissive so that his relationship would work out.)
, she is no longer at the house when I get there ( which is fine she barely acknowledged me being there).
(The wife and husband agreed that since the submissive felt uncomfortable with the wife there, and the wife was not comfortable with the submissive in her home, that it would be better if the wife was not in the apartment when the submissive was there getting ready for a date with the husband. Additionally, it is the wifes perception, that one time she was there (with a headache) and stayed in the bedroom, that the submissive sounded disappointed that the wife was in her home at that time as that meant the submissive and the husband could not play there.)
She changed her status from “open relationship to ” married” a lot of little things
(the wifes status was always “married” as well as “in an open relationship”. The wife dropped “in an open relationship” status when she realized she was no longer in an open relationship. The wife believed that an open relationship included open communication, respect, and trust in each other and that is clearly what was not taking place) The submissives hurt feeling over the wife changing her own status caused even more conflict between the husband and wife.)
To me it feels like she is trying to make me disappear and not have to deal with her feelings, according to my Dom, she is still talking to him about the relationship, and her shutting me out is her way of dealing with it.
(“dealing” with the relationship, such a simple explanation for an even larger problem. Yes, the wife feels that she would like to have the submissive removed from her marriage. The submissive has added nothing positive to the marriage. The wife continues to talk to the husband in an attempt to open communication again and keep the marriage in tact.)
My Dom says he has no intentions of changing anything with me, he loves me and wants me in his life, but she is his wife, she will always come first. But in her words,, he doesnt love easily so if he says he loves you,, he loves you ( I am only the third person EVER he has loved and he met his wife at 14), so I am trusting him with my heart. Not an easy thing for me to do in a normal situation even more dificult now with his wife acting this way.
(the wife does understand opening the heart to another. But the wife also understands and has experience in other relationships to know what is right and what is wrong and what responsibility the secondary plays in those relationships. The submissive nor the husband have been acting appropriately in this “D/s” relationship. The relationship and the actions of both Dominant and submissive are far more boyfriend/girlfriend with a D/s flavor. At the time of this post, neither has a mentor of any kind (the submissive recently requested a mentor), the Dominant does not.)
I think I am venting more than anything here, I have no other outlet as I cant post anything on the other lifestyle community as she will see it or her friends would and it would get back to her some how..
(the wifes friends are also submissives, and post to the same site. The submissive signed her post with the same signage she uses for the “lifestyle community (Fetlife), and so it was obvious who wrote it).
I dont want to upset her and makes things worse for him.
(This is an offensive statement. The husband is not being abused by the wife wanting her needs met.)
I am just going to keep being myself, I am who I am, I mean her or their relationship no harm. I just want to be his sub, to love him and to be his friend. 

(the wife would have been perfectly happy with the submissive “just being his sub”. The wife would have been perfectly happy that the submissive “love him”. The wife would be perfectly happy that the submissive be “his friend”. )