I don't know how to get you to understand what I need.
Even when I tell you, it's like you don't hear me.
Just when I think you might understand
I figure out you really didn't.
It hurts that you didn't miss me while we were apart.
If you did, you never bothered to mention it.
It hurts that you didn't look forward to seeing me after being gone
If you did, you never bother to tell me.
It hurts that you didn't have any sexual desire for me when we came home.
If you did, you certainly haven't shown it.
I don't know how to keep giving and live with not getting back from you what I need
I don't know how to tell you what I need anymore.
I don't know how to show you what I need anymore.
I want to be wanted.
I want to be missed.
I want to be desired.
I want to be loved without asking.
I've given all of those things and more.
and I don't know how to give anymore.....
Monday, September 5, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Lifes Seasons
Winter came much earlier than anticipated. It was a deep cold. Penetrating, and unbareable the colder it became. Some days, there seemed to be warmth, but that was only when a log was placed on the fire or a blanket was wrapped around. The cold was held out by a barrier, but the winter itself still remained.
Then a hint of spring. Some color in the sky. Flowers that try to bloom. But winter has not given in yet an again the cold came through. The tiny petals that had burst into color were killed off. The clouds covered the spotty rays of sun, and the blanket came out again.
After months which seemed like years, summer finally came. The blue of the sky, the smell of the breeze, all the wonderful feelings of sweet sunshine on my skin. Focusing on the sun, wanting it never to go away, I do all I can to make it want to stay. To make it feel this is the only planet that can matter. There is no place for winter here. There is no need for clouds or rain or freezing.
But fall has hit. I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t. The leaves started changing fast and without notice. It seemed too soon. I knew it couldn’t last. The promise of summer is just that, a promise. Promises are something I don’t put much faith in. Nothing to hold summer here, nothing to say the spring or fall or even winter won’t return and be deeper, colder, darker than it was before.
I feel the cold returning. I’ve pulled out my blanket and it covers and protects me.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The Brightness of Today
I'm going on the second week of happy.
No, there are no drugs.
Some things have changed, for the better. Other things, still remain the same, and I really don't see them changing any time soon. The most important part of all this is that I am finding a way to wrap my mind around it so that it isn't tearing me up inside.
No, we are not friends, I doubt that will ever be, but I am being tolerant. As long as everyone minds their manners and understand I will not be walked on, I think everything will be fine. If that is "Intimidating", then so be it. I will not run from that word any longer.
I am enjoying the limited time I do get to spend with my husband. We are spending more and more quality in our time together, less tension. We still don't talk like we used to about our lives (I miss that), but at least it doesn't feel (to me) like there is a huge elephant in the room. I love him dearly and I hope as time goes on, the desires will return.
I am enjoying riding my horse. I absolutely LOVE riding my horse. Tristan is my solid foundation. I'm finding that a 30 minute ride in the arena is as therapeutic for me as a 5 hour ride around the lake. I enjoy him so much. I want to learn to drive the horse trailer so I can go ride by myself and not rely on someone to take me. Hell, maybe I should start by just learning to load and unload my own horse...ya think?
I am back in touch with people again. Friends of all sorts who have been on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back. I like the excitement I feel from them. The support they have given me. New friends, new play partners, new worlds I've never even considered touching before, all are on my horizon.
The sun seems to be rising, the warmth is hitting my skin.
I'm working on being whole, again.
No, there are no drugs.
Some things have changed, for the better. Other things, still remain the same, and I really don't see them changing any time soon. The most important part of all this is that I am finding a way to wrap my mind around it so that it isn't tearing me up inside.
No, we are not friends, I doubt that will ever be, but I am being tolerant. As long as everyone minds their manners and understand I will not be walked on, I think everything will be fine. If that is "Intimidating", then so be it. I will not run from that word any longer.
I am enjoying the limited time I do get to spend with my husband. We are spending more and more quality in our time together, less tension. We still don't talk like we used to about our lives (I miss that), but at least it doesn't feel (to me) like there is a huge elephant in the room. I love him dearly and I hope as time goes on, the desires will return.
I am enjoying riding my horse. I absolutely LOVE riding my horse. Tristan is my solid foundation. I'm finding that a 30 minute ride in the arena is as therapeutic for me as a 5 hour ride around the lake. I enjoy him so much. I want to learn to drive the horse trailer so I can go ride by myself and not rely on someone to take me. Hell, maybe I should start by just learning to load and unload my own horse...ya think?
I am back in touch with people again. Friends of all sorts who have been on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back. I like the excitement I feel from them. The support they have given me. New friends, new play partners, new worlds I've never even considered touching before, all are on my horizon.
The sun seems to be rising, the warmth is hitting my skin.
I'm working on being whole, again.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Both Sides
Recently, a Submissive posted on a public site regarding her Doms "Insecure Spouse".
It could have gone unnoticed, had she not signed it with the same signature she uses in her Fetlife postings.
The wife she refers to, wouldn't have noticed it either, had it not been for other submissives who go to the same website. Friends of the wife, and actually, a couple of people who have contacted her since, noticed the post and asked if she had seen it.
Obviously, now she has...
So there are 3 sides to every story. In this case, the submissive/girlfriend, the (insecure)wife, and the Truth.
Perception is part of the truth, we all must keep that in mind when going on the attack.
Here is the submissives public post (italicized will be the Insecure wife comments).
When I first met my Dom, his wife was very supportive of our relationship, enjoyed watching it grow and blossom.
(very true. His wife wanted him to have this experience. She wanted him to have the connection and feeling of having a submissive in his life. She hoped this would be an attribute to the marriage they already shared.)
She has been in the lifestyle longer than any of us and was very willing to offer advice to help me deal with my husbands new long distance polyamorous relationship with his girlfirend. She encouraged me to let him go see her in her home state, to let him love her and her love him etc.
(again, very true. The couple had already entered into their poly relationship and were asking for advice and wanted to know what rules and boundaries others had set who seemed happy, respectful, and committed to each other.)
But now that her husband ( my dom) has said he Loves me, her whole attitude has changed.
(Important to note, the wife was having conversations with the husband regarding broken agreements and rules long before the "I love you" words were spoken. Additionally, it was not the "I love you" that was a problem, it was the fact that he had agreed to discuss with his wife any deeper feelings before announcing them to the submissive.)
She isnt able to deal with it.
(Another incorrect statement. The wife is not concerned, nor affected by her husband loving another).
She has gone from being a “friend”, to being very cold , rude and down right mean to me at times.
(No "friendship" had yet been established between the wife and the submissive. Ironically, the wife had kept a safe distance from the submissive regarding "friendship" just so that the boundaries stayed clear. The wife also made sure the submissive knew the boundaries of their relationship from the beginning, in very clear words, in very clear conversations. The cold, yes, as time progressed and the wife was presented into situations where she felt no longer connected to her husband, the submissive did not get the same warm welcome. Rude or Mean? The wife would certainly like clear instances of when those treatments would have taken place.)
She has put on a “happy face” for his sake at times and in the beginning she at least pretended to welcome me into their home.
(In the beginning, the wife was very welcoming to the submissive. Purchasing special towels and personal items for the submissive to use while preparing herself in their home so that she would not feel like just any other "guest". At a specific point in time, the husband had told the wife that he could not make his relationship with his submissive work unless the wife acted more warmly towards the submissive. So yes, the “happy face” was for him, something he requested. At any point the submissive felt welcomed into the couples home, she truly was welcome, at that point in time. When she was no longer welcomed by the wife, there was no pretending that she was.)
(She has put very strict time limits on how long we can see each other, she has gone from rarely doing anything with him ( his words) to now not wanting to be apart from him.
(The wife asked her husband to be home by 2am instead of 3am or 4am on weeknights because she would like to have him in her bed for at least some closeness prior to him getting up at 5am and leaving for work. It is important to know that the wife would not have seen her husband since 5am that morning, so almost an entire 24 hours would have gone by before she saw him again, only to have him get up and leave for work within a couple of hours. The Dom and his submissive are allowed to stay out till 4am on weekends. At the time the submissives post was made, the husband had NO time limitations as the wife had decided she would let him go and hope he would make the right decisions for their marriage.)
(...additionally spending more time together was something the husband and wife had been trying to do prior to the submissive entering into their lives. The husband had requested the wife "want" to spend more time with him and he in return, was showing her he “wanted” to spend time with her as well, which was different than in the past. The husband has asked if it was relayed that he was enjoying and really liked his wife wanting to spend so much time with him now. Interestingly enough, the submissive did not post that piece of information here.)
She is a very Strong personality ( she is a top) and the first woman I have ever been intimidated by.
(The wife has always been very straight forward and clear to the submissive from the very beginning about her place in the heirarchy of the relationship.)
It could have gone unnoticed, had she not signed it with the same signature she uses in her Fetlife postings.
The wife she refers to, wouldn't have noticed it either, had it not been for other submissives who go to the same website. Friends of the wife, and actually, a couple of people who have contacted her since, noticed the post and asked if she had seen it.
Obviously, now she has...
So there are 3 sides to every story. In this case, the submissive/girlfriend, the (insecure)wife, and the Truth.
Perception is part of the truth, we all must keep that in mind when going on the attack.
Here is the submissives public post (italicized will be the Insecure wife comments).
When I first met my Dom, his wife was very supportive of our relationship, enjoyed watching it grow and blossom.
(very true. His wife wanted him to have this experience. She wanted him to have the connection and feeling of having a submissive in his life. She hoped this would be an attribute to the marriage they already shared.)
She has been in the lifestyle longer than any of us and was very willing to offer advice to help me deal with my husbands new long distance polyamorous relationship with his girlfirend. She encouraged me to let him go see her in her home state, to let him love her and her love him etc.
(again, very true. The couple had already entered into their poly relationship and were asking for advice and wanted to know what rules and boundaries others had set who seemed happy, respectful, and committed to each other.)
But now that her husband ( my dom) has said he Loves me, her whole attitude has changed.
(Important to note, the wife was having conversations with the husband regarding broken agreements and rules long before the "I love you" words were spoken. Additionally, it was not the "I love you" that was a problem, it was the fact that he had agreed to discuss with his wife any deeper feelings before announcing them to the submissive.)
She isnt able to deal with it.
(Another incorrect statement. The wife is not concerned, nor affected by her husband loving another).
She has gone from being a “friend”, to being very cold , rude and down right mean to me at times.
(No "friendship" had yet been established between the wife and the submissive. Ironically, the wife had kept a safe distance from the submissive regarding "friendship" just so that the boundaries stayed clear. The wife also made sure the submissive knew the boundaries of their relationship from the beginning, in very clear words, in very clear conversations. The cold, yes, as time progressed and the wife was presented into situations where she felt no longer connected to her husband, the submissive did not get the same warm welcome. Rude or Mean? The wife would certainly like clear instances of when those treatments would have taken place.)
She has put on a “happy face” for his sake at times and in the beginning she at least pretended to welcome me into their home.
(In the beginning, the wife was very welcoming to the submissive. Purchasing special towels and personal items for the submissive to use while preparing herself in their home so that she would not feel like just any other "guest". At a specific point in time, the husband had told the wife that he could not make his relationship with his submissive work unless the wife acted more warmly towards the submissive. So yes, the “happy face” was for him, something he requested. At any point the submissive felt welcomed into the couples home, she truly was welcome, at that point in time. When she was no longer welcomed by the wife, there was no pretending that she was.)
(She has put very strict time limits on how long we can see each other, she has gone from rarely doing anything with him ( his words) to now not wanting to be apart from him.
(The wife asked her husband to be home by 2am instead of 3am or 4am on weeknights because she would like to have him in her bed for at least some closeness prior to him getting up at 5am and leaving for work. It is important to know that the wife would not have seen her husband since 5am that morning, so almost an entire 24 hours would have gone by before she saw him again, only to have him get up and leave for work within a couple of hours. The Dom and his submissive are allowed to stay out till 4am on weekends. At the time the submissives post was made, the husband had NO time limitations as the wife had decided she would let him go and hope he would make the right decisions for their marriage.)
(...additionally spending more time together was something the husband and wife had been trying to do prior to the submissive entering into their lives. The husband had requested the wife "want" to spend more time with him and he in return, was showing her he “wanted” to spend time with her as well, which was different than in the past. The husband has asked if it was relayed that he was enjoying and really liked his wife wanting to spend so much time with him now. Interestingly enough, the submissive did not post that piece of information here.)
She is a very Strong personality ( she is a top) and the first woman I have ever been intimidated by.
(The wife has always been very straight forward and clear to the submissive from the very beginning about her place in the heirarchy of the relationship.)
I have told her I have no intentions of coming between the two of them and she made it very clear that I do not have that power, so why is she so insecure?
(The wife is not insecure about the submissive. The wife is sad and heartbroken that her husband has shown such little respect, remorse, or thought in how his actions have affected his wife, her feelings, or her trust, as it was perceived that he did not care.)
(The wife has told the submissive multiple times to stay out of what is going on in the marriage as it is between the wife and the husband to work out their communication problems. The submissive has continuously used her knowledge of the problems between the husband and wife to put herself in a position of confidant and now knows "the right things to say" to manipulate her own agenda no matter what the effect on the Dom or his relationship with his wife, something that is not acceptable in the swinging or poly world).
my dom has asked me to let him worry about her and I just take care of my relationship with him.
(a very good idea in a perfect world. Still, is it ok to ignore what you know is happening just for your own happiness?)
I am trying to do that, but I feel like he is caught in the middle of two women that he loves and I dont like it.
(If the submissive was truly worried about how "in the middle he was", she would respectfully take a stand and step back to let the husband work out his marriage with his wife. Instead, she continually requests more time and more dates, more texts, more phone calls. The husband in return, gives her what she wants (not saying he doesn’t want that too and does request more contact), and/or "needs", which leaves his wife wanting and needing the same, but not getting her needs met.)
I try really hard to not say anything to him about her in a negative way.
(the submissive may not outright say negative things about the wife, but the words she uses places the wife in a negative light that is already a problem area for the couple. The husband, does not stand up for the wife in these instances. Instead, he allows the submissive to state how she feels and allows the wife to be perceived as “the problem” and therefore "making it hard for them".)
Now starting on the 18th I will be seeing them in a vanilla setting twice a week. the last time we were in that situation she wouldnt even speak to me or look at me if she did say something when I asked her a question
(could it be, that the wife, may have been attempting to not be a bitch to the submissive at a time when things were very bad between the wife and the husband? Could it be possible, that the submissive was asking questions of the wife that she would not like the answer to? And how did the submissive responde? By making sure the husband knew that she had cried all the way home. Which made the tension between husband and wife even more strained)
this time there is a chance we could end up being partners at this vanilla event..I am concerned about how she is going to be. I understand her insecurities with her husband loving me,
(The submissive has no idea what the wifes “insecurities” are as the wife has never told her of the way she perceives she is being treated by the husband. The wife has not told the submissive that she does not get sex on a basis of him wanting or desiring her, because his time spent with the submissive wipes him out and he wants to sleep all the next day. The wife has not told the submissive of how the husband jumps to the submissives defense everytime they try to talk about the situation and the wife feels like the outsider. The submissive knows nothing about what truly is taking place in the marriage of the husband and wife and therefore, cannot possibly know what the wife is feeling.) I too was facing those same feelings with my husbands love for his girlfriend,
(the submissive is NOT having the same feelings as the wife in this situation as it is not about the husband loving the submissive. It is about broken agreements, poor communication, and trust issues). but I don’t feel that justifies her behavior, I would never treat a person the way she has treated me or do the things she has done to irritate me ( I cant prove they were done on purpose but sure seems that way) She wants no contact from me or with me at this time, she has deleted me as a friend on another lifestyle community, she has asked that I not sendher any more ” have a good day” text messages ( which by the way she used to send me too)
(the wife sent the submissive the “have a good day” messages in response the husband wanting the wife to “be nice” to the submissive so that his relationship would work out.)
, she is no longer at the house when I get there ( which is fine she barely acknowledged me being there).
(The wife and husband agreed that since the submissive felt uncomfortable with the wife there, and the wife was not comfortable with the submissive in her home, that it would be better if the wife was not in the apartment when the submissive was there getting ready for a date with the husband. Additionally, it is the wifes perception, that one time she was there (with a headache) and stayed in the bedroom, that the submissive sounded disappointed that the wife was in her home at that time as that meant the submissive and the husband could not play there.)
She changed her status from “open relationship to ” married” a lot of little things
(the wifes status was always “married” as well as “in an open relationship”. The wife dropped “in an open relationship” status when she realized she was no longer in an open relationship. The wife believed that an open relationship included open communication, respect, and trust in each other and that is clearly what was not taking place) The submissives hurt feeling over the wife changing her own status caused even more conflict between the husband and wife.)
To me it feels like she is trying to make me disappear and not have to deal with her feelings, according to my Dom, she is still talking to him about the relationship, and her shutting me out is her way of dealing with it.
(“dealing” with the relationship, such a simple explanation for an even larger problem. Yes, the wife feels that she would like to have the submissive removed from her marriage. The submissive has added nothing positive to the marriage. The wife continues to talk to the husband in an attempt to open communication again and keep the marriage in tact.)
My Dom says he has no intentions of changing anything with me, he loves me and wants me in his life, but she is his wife, she will always come first. But in her words,, he doesnt love easily so if he says he loves you,, he loves you ( I am only the third person EVER he has loved and he met his wife at 14), so I am trusting him with my heart. Not an easy thing for me to do in a normal situation even more dificult now with his wife acting this way.
(the wife does understand opening the heart to another. But the wife also understands and has experience in other relationships to know what is right and what is wrong and what responsibility the secondary plays in those relationships. The submissive nor the husband have been acting appropriately in this “D/s” relationship. The relationship and the actions of both Dominant and submissive are far more boyfriend/girlfriend with a D/s flavor. At the time of this post, neither has a mentor of any kind (the submissive recently requested a mentor), the Dominant does not.)
I think I am venting more than anything here, I have no other outlet as I cant post anything on the other lifestyle community as she will see it or her friends would and it would get back to her some how..
(the wifes friends are also submissives, and post to the same site. The submissive signed her post with the same signage she uses for the “lifestyle community (Fetlife), and so it was obvious who wrote it).
I dont want to upset her and makes things worse for him.
(This is an offensive statement. The husband is not being abused by the wife wanting her needs met.)
I am just going to keep being myself, I am who I am, I mean her or their relationship no harm. I just want to be his sub, to love him and to be his friend.
(The wife is not insecure about the submissive. The wife is sad and heartbroken that her husband has shown such little respect, remorse, or thought in how his actions have affected his wife, her feelings, or her trust, as it was perceived that he did not care.)
(The wife has told the submissive multiple times to stay out of what is going on in the marriage as it is between the wife and the husband to work out their communication problems. The submissive has continuously used her knowledge of the problems between the husband and wife to put herself in a position of confidant and now knows "the right things to say" to manipulate her own agenda no matter what the effect on the Dom or his relationship with his wife, something that is not acceptable in the swinging or poly world).
my dom has asked me to let him worry about her and I just take care of my relationship with him.
(a very good idea in a perfect world. Still, is it ok to ignore what you know is happening just for your own happiness?)
I am trying to do that, but I feel like he is caught in the middle of two women that he loves and I dont like it.
(If the submissive was truly worried about how "in the middle he was", she would respectfully take a stand and step back to let the husband work out his marriage with his wife. Instead, she continually requests more time and more dates, more texts, more phone calls. The husband in return, gives her what she wants (not saying he doesn’t want that too and does request more contact), and/or "needs", which leaves his wife wanting and needing the same, but not getting her needs met.)
I try really hard to not say anything to him about her in a negative way.
(the submissive may not outright say negative things about the wife, but the words she uses places the wife in a negative light that is already a problem area for the couple. The husband, does not stand up for the wife in these instances. Instead, he allows the submissive to state how she feels and allows the wife to be perceived as “the problem” and therefore "making it hard for them".)
Now starting on the 18th I will be seeing them in a vanilla setting twice a week. the last time we were in that situation she wouldnt even speak to me or look at me if she did say something when I asked her a question
(could it be, that the wife, may have been attempting to not be a bitch to the submissive at a time when things were very bad between the wife and the husband? Could it be possible, that the submissive was asking questions of the wife that she would not like the answer to? And how did the submissive responde? By making sure the husband knew that she had cried all the way home. Which made the tension between husband and wife even more strained)
this time there is a chance we could end up being partners at this vanilla event..I am concerned about how she is going to be. I understand her insecurities with her husband loving me,
(The submissive has no idea what the wifes “insecurities” are as the wife has never told her of the way she perceives she is being treated by the husband. The wife has not told the submissive that she does not get sex on a basis of him wanting or desiring her, because his time spent with the submissive wipes him out and he wants to sleep all the next day. The wife has not told the submissive of how the husband jumps to the submissives defense everytime they try to talk about the situation and the wife feels like the outsider. The submissive knows nothing about what truly is taking place in the marriage of the husband and wife and therefore, cannot possibly know what the wife is feeling.) I too was facing those same feelings with my husbands love for his girlfriend,
(the submissive is NOT having the same feelings as the wife in this situation as it is not about the husband loving the submissive. It is about broken agreements, poor communication, and trust issues). but I don’t feel that justifies her behavior, I would never treat a person the way she has treated me or do the things she has done to irritate me ( I cant prove they were done on purpose but sure seems that way) She wants no contact from me or with me at this time, she has deleted me as a friend on another lifestyle community, she has asked that I not sendher any more ” have a good day” text messages ( which by the way she used to send me too)
(the wife sent the submissive the “have a good day” messages in response the husband wanting the wife to “be nice” to the submissive so that his relationship would work out.)
, she is no longer at the house when I get there ( which is fine she barely acknowledged me being there).
(The wife and husband agreed that since the submissive felt uncomfortable with the wife there, and the wife was not comfortable with the submissive in her home, that it would be better if the wife was not in the apartment when the submissive was there getting ready for a date with the husband. Additionally, it is the wifes perception, that one time she was there (with a headache) and stayed in the bedroom, that the submissive sounded disappointed that the wife was in her home at that time as that meant the submissive and the husband could not play there.)
She changed her status from “open relationship to ” married” a lot of little things
(the wifes status was always “married” as well as “in an open relationship”. The wife dropped “in an open relationship” status when she realized she was no longer in an open relationship. The wife believed that an open relationship included open communication, respect, and trust in each other and that is clearly what was not taking place) The submissives hurt feeling over the wife changing her own status caused even more conflict between the husband and wife.)
To me it feels like she is trying to make me disappear and not have to deal with her feelings, according to my Dom, she is still talking to him about the relationship, and her shutting me out is her way of dealing with it.
(“dealing” with the relationship, such a simple explanation for an even larger problem. Yes, the wife feels that she would like to have the submissive removed from her marriage. The submissive has added nothing positive to the marriage. The wife continues to talk to the husband in an attempt to open communication again and keep the marriage in tact.)
My Dom says he has no intentions of changing anything with me, he loves me and wants me in his life, but she is his wife, she will always come first. But in her words,, he doesnt love easily so if he says he loves you,, he loves you ( I am only the third person EVER he has loved and he met his wife at 14), so I am trusting him with my heart. Not an easy thing for me to do in a normal situation even more dificult now with his wife acting this way.
(the wife does understand opening the heart to another. But the wife also understands and has experience in other relationships to know what is right and what is wrong and what responsibility the secondary plays in those relationships. The submissive nor the husband have been acting appropriately in this “D/s” relationship. The relationship and the actions of both Dominant and submissive are far more boyfriend/girlfriend with a D/s flavor. At the time of this post, neither has a mentor of any kind (the submissive recently requested a mentor), the Dominant does not.)
I think I am venting more than anything here, I have no other outlet as I cant post anything on the other lifestyle community as she will see it or her friends would and it would get back to her some how..
(the wifes friends are also submissives, and post to the same site. The submissive signed her post with the same signage she uses for the “lifestyle community (Fetlife), and so it was obvious who wrote it).
I dont want to upset her and makes things worse for him.
(This is an offensive statement. The husband is not being abused by the wife wanting her needs met.)
I am just going to keep being myself, I am who I am, I mean her or their relationship no harm. I just want to be his sub, to love him and to be his friend.
(the wife would have been perfectly happy with the submissive “just being his sub”. The wife would have been perfectly happy that the submissive “love him”. The wife would be perfectly happy that the submissive be “his friend”. )
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Behind the Rocks
I work at being whole. I work hard at it. I try so hard to maintain control of my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. I have always taken the responsibility for who I am and what I become. The decisions I make are of my own doing. I do however, make decisions based on the fact that I am empathetic to others. I feel the pain they feel, either physical or mental. I sense more than most others, and I have been learning to read and acknowledge what I have always known I had the ability to do. That is how I know. I am no angel, if you piss me off, I will use those emotions against you.
As my life choices wrap around themselves, I'm finding more and more the need to connect and embrace what I know I can do. The flows of energy have been chaotic at the least. I'm presenting newer vibrant energies into my life, but I am cautious about how much of the energy I use and absorb, circulate. At the same time, my own energy field is changing and I welcome that change and hope that it will help the chaos effect that currently exists.
In working on that field, I saw something. A lake, a tranquil lake with glass like qualities. Clear, perfect, calm, smooth. Next to the lake, were boulders, large, round rocks, no sharp corners, no edges, perfectly complementing the shape and the surface of the beautiful lake in front of me. A I looked at the lake, I felt calm, knowing what I know, it didn't bother me, there were no negative feelings in my heart, no negative thoughts in my head, other than tranquility and happiness, my mind was silent.
Then, without warning, something stepped out from behind a rock. It was dark, walked on 2 legs, it had scales, it had a hard surface, huge bulging eyes, and it was ugly. It presented itself as "soul mate". Knowing that the word had not crossed my mind for either of them, I suddenly understood what was happening, and acknowledged it was there. Then I banished the monster that had come out from behind the rock, and "poof", it was gone.
During the night, more creatures crept, or at least tried to creep from behind the rocks. Each was met with a yellow banner and dismissed. Now that I recognize them, I can rule the creatures, not have them rule me.
On that same note, I have given myself permission to flex the "primary muscle". I know, that sounds strange, but what has been pointed out to me is that I have been so intent on making others happy and giving them what they want and what I perceive they need, that I have neglected what actually makes me happy and I need to focus on that more.
For example...in a situation at a common vanilla setting with our horses, we share time with with his submissive. During that time, a few things took place which, normally, I deal with and then get to share my frustrations with him. In these circumstances, because my frustration is with someone close to him, I didn't feel like I could tell him what was bothering me without giving him the feeling I was being petty and just didn't like it because it was her. Not the case (in most of the situations).
People who feel the need to interject: This annoys the hell out of me. I was asked to assist by collecting dues and paperwork. This includes answering questions and introductions as much as possible. Pretty much, making them feel welcomed. I've done this before, and I'm good at it. I'm personable, I smile, and I genuinely am an inviting person. As I'm collecting funds from one individual, she asked what the funds covered in specifics and how much she could participate. As I opened my mouth to answer, the submissive sitting on the other side of my horse chimes in over me and starts to answer. Because I do not wish to embarrass people, I simply closed my mouth and let her explain what she wanted and when she was done, I continued on with the rest of the information. This would annoy me with ANYONE. But in the past, I have gotten to share this with my husband and he would acknowledge my frustration, we would laugh and it would be over. This has stuck with me until now because, well, how can I share that with him with out him getting defensive.
Another frustration.....I am very conscious of my husbands horse business. I am so proud of him and how wonderful and talented he is with horses. I'm envious at times. When he is training, giving lessons, or working his horse, I leave him alone, I don't interrupt him unless I absolutely have to, I respect the professionalism he shows to his clients and the time they are paying him for, as well as his own time invested in his horse. So when it came to the question "what time is it"...I asked a couple of people sitting near me, and they didn't have watches or cell phones. The submissive (who should have been paying more attention to the cows she was chasing rather than what I was doing), thought we should ask my husband. I smiled and said, no, thats ok, and moved on to some people standing to the side and watching the sorting. I did not want to ask my husband as he was out in the far part of the arena working on his horse. He gets to have that time. I respect that. I let him have his time. As I rode over to ask the time, I hear the submissive yell across the arena "HEY (insert husbands name here), WHAT TIME IS IT?"...I was annoyed and she was on my last nerve...I had told her no and still, she felt the need to make herself known familiar to him as well as override me.....had it been anyone else, I probably would not have cared, but then again, anyone else would have not gone ahead with the call had I told them not to.
Then there was what I refer to as the "cock block"...this is where the submissive rides up so close to my husband and sits so close, that I cannot get my rightful place near him. Intentional or unintentional, this will not be allowed again. I will make my presence known, I will put myself in my rightful place next to my husband, and I will start asserting myself as his Primary partner, no matter who it makes feel uncomfortable.
As my life choices wrap around themselves, I'm finding more and more the need to connect and embrace what I know I can do. The flows of energy have been chaotic at the least. I'm presenting newer vibrant energies into my life, but I am cautious about how much of the energy I use and absorb, circulate. At the same time, my own energy field is changing and I welcome that change and hope that it will help the chaos effect that currently exists.
In working on that field, I saw something. A lake, a tranquil lake with glass like qualities. Clear, perfect, calm, smooth. Next to the lake, were boulders, large, round rocks, no sharp corners, no edges, perfectly complementing the shape and the surface of the beautiful lake in front of me. A I looked at the lake, I felt calm, knowing what I know, it didn't bother me, there were no negative feelings in my heart, no negative thoughts in my head, other than tranquility and happiness, my mind was silent.
Then, without warning, something stepped out from behind a rock. It was dark, walked on 2 legs, it had scales, it had a hard surface, huge bulging eyes, and it was ugly. It presented itself as "soul mate". Knowing that the word had not crossed my mind for either of them, I suddenly understood what was happening, and acknowledged it was there. Then I banished the monster that had come out from behind the rock, and "poof", it was gone.
During the night, more creatures crept, or at least tried to creep from behind the rocks. Each was met with a yellow banner and dismissed. Now that I recognize them, I can rule the creatures, not have them rule me.
On that same note, I have given myself permission to flex the "primary muscle". I know, that sounds strange, but what has been pointed out to me is that I have been so intent on making others happy and giving them what they want and what I perceive they need, that I have neglected what actually makes me happy and I need to focus on that more.
For example...in a situation at a common vanilla setting with our horses, we share time with with his submissive. During that time, a few things took place which, normally, I deal with and then get to share my frustrations with him. In these circumstances, because my frustration is with someone close to him, I didn't feel like I could tell him what was bothering me without giving him the feeling I was being petty and just didn't like it because it was her. Not the case (in most of the situations).
People who feel the need to interject: This annoys the hell out of me. I was asked to assist by collecting dues and paperwork. This includes answering questions and introductions as much as possible. Pretty much, making them feel welcomed. I've done this before, and I'm good at it. I'm personable, I smile, and I genuinely am an inviting person. As I'm collecting funds from one individual, she asked what the funds covered in specifics and how much she could participate. As I opened my mouth to answer, the submissive sitting on the other side of my horse chimes in over me and starts to answer. Because I do not wish to embarrass people, I simply closed my mouth and let her explain what she wanted and when she was done, I continued on with the rest of the information. This would annoy me with ANYONE. But in the past, I have gotten to share this with my husband and he would acknowledge my frustration, we would laugh and it would be over. This has stuck with me until now because, well, how can I share that with him with out him getting defensive.
Another frustration.....I am very conscious of my husbands horse business. I am so proud of him and how wonderful and talented he is with horses. I'm envious at times. When he is training, giving lessons, or working his horse, I leave him alone, I don't interrupt him unless I absolutely have to, I respect the professionalism he shows to his clients and the time they are paying him for, as well as his own time invested in his horse. So when it came to the question "what time is it"...I asked a couple of people sitting near me, and they didn't have watches or cell phones. The submissive (who should have been paying more attention to the cows she was chasing rather than what I was doing), thought we should ask my husband. I smiled and said, no, thats ok, and moved on to some people standing to the side and watching the sorting. I did not want to ask my husband as he was out in the far part of the arena working on his horse. He gets to have that time. I respect that. I let him have his time. As I rode over to ask the time, I hear the submissive yell across the arena "HEY (insert husbands name here), WHAT TIME IS IT?"...I was annoyed and she was on my last nerve...I had told her no and still, she felt the need to make herself known familiar to him as well as override me.....had it been anyone else, I probably would not have cared, but then again, anyone else would have not gone ahead with the call had I told them not to.
Then there was what I refer to as the "cock block"...this is where the submissive rides up so close to my husband and sits so close, that I cannot get my rightful place near him. Intentional or unintentional, this will not be allowed again. I will make my presence known, I will put myself in my rightful place next to my husband, and I will start asserting myself as his Primary partner, no matter who it makes feel uncomfortable.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Close to the Final Farewell
The weeks have turned into months. The pain is more excruciating than I could have possibly imagined. I never thought I would ever find myself in the position I am in. But I did make a choice. I did make a choice to enter into something that had risk. This is why I don't gamble. I suck at it.
Just now, starting new things, trying to fix was has been broken for so long, and every corner, seems to bring around another near head on collision. I can't say what I feel any longer.....actually, I can say what I feel, but it just causes more defenses... I can't write what I feel...this too, is incorrect, I can write, but then it's upsetting and again, more defenses. Limitations are all around me. Don't hurt those that present themselves as weak. Because obviously, I need no protection. Nothing hurts me. I am made of stone. Of steel. I have no heart that breaks... Yea, me, it really doesn't feel like it matters at all. When it should. And other times, It feels like I'm the only one who matters. But that's only when I say it.
So the serious consideration to say goodbye to the choice. Give up what I want in order to salvage what might possibly still exist. That means everything. The Fetlife, the phone sex, the play partners. Go back to the monogomous vanilla life where you exist daily and bury what is within you. At least then, I will know what is around the corner.....
How did I reach this turning point? A simple, beautiful sunset. Something so magical, so fulfilling, and yet, within seconds, after watching the glorious energy leave my sight, life turned a corner, and what happened next... that cannot be undone.
Just now, starting new things, trying to fix was has been broken for so long, and every corner, seems to bring around another near head on collision. I can't say what I feel any longer.....actually, I can say what I feel, but it just causes more defenses... I can't write what I feel...this too, is incorrect, I can write, but then it's upsetting and again, more defenses. Limitations are all around me. Don't hurt those that present themselves as weak. Because obviously, I need no protection. Nothing hurts me. I am made of stone. Of steel. I have no heart that breaks... Yea, me, it really doesn't feel like it matters at all. When it should. And other times, It feels like I'm the only one who matters. But that's only when I say it.
So the serious consideration to say goodbye to the choice. Give up what I want in order to salvage what might possibly still exist. That means everything. The Fetlife, the phone sex, the play partners. Go back to the monogomous vanilla life where you exist daily and bury what is within you. At least then, I will know what is around the corner.....
How did I reach this turning point? A simple, beautiful sunset. Something so magical, so fulfilling, and yet, within seconds, after watching the glorious energy leave my sight, life turned a corner, and what happened next... that cannot be undone.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
My Friday
Today is Wednesday for some, but Friday for me. Why so early? Because I want to rest and prepare for the wonderful weekend ahead. So I am taking Thursday off.
It's the 4th of July weekend. A time to celebrate our Independence. A time to remember why we are free to do what we do and say what we think. As our children are grown and away at college, we do not purchase mass quantities of fireworks any longer. In past years, we have grown to celebrate the 4th by attending the St. Paul Rodeo, and watching a spectacular fireworks show afterwards. The one song that will always make me cry. Our National Anthem.
This 4th of July, we are breaking tradition. On Friday, we are heading back to CornCob Ranch. We have been working on the details of our living quarters in our horse trailer since Memorial Day. Our Sanctuary we call it. The water tank has been installed, the shelving, the large compartment that doubles as a bench and step to climb into the queen size pillow top mattress that so spoils us from ever ground camping again.
4 days of just us, riding our horses through the herds of cattle, across the rolling green hills, along the tree lines. Finding places to stop, look, and listen to the beauty that surrounds us. Just us.
We are taking the camera. I'm hoping to find locations for some erotic outdoor shots. Beautiful nature shots. maybe even shots of us together. We don't have enough of those.
Sunshine is in the forecast. Warm weather, with open skies. Oh to lie out on a blanket, naked, letting the rays dance across our skin. Maybe find a creek or lake to cool off, splash and tease, to find that playfulness married couples sometimes forget they had.
And the nights. The sweet and sensuous nights of love making. That time for us to reconnect in our dreams. It's been too long.
I've am looking forward to each and every day.
It's the 4th of July weekend. A time to celebrate our Independence. A time to remember why we are free to do what we do and say what we think. As our children are grown and away at college, we do not purchase mass quantities of fireworks any longer. In past years, we have grown to celebrate the 4th by attending the St. Paul Rodeo, and watching a spectacular fireworks show afterwards. The one song that will always make me cry. Our National Anthem.
This 4th of July, we are breaking tradition. On Friday, we are heading back to CornCob Ranch. We have been working on the details of our living quarters in our horse trailer since Memorial Day. Our Sanctuary we call it. The water tank has been installed, the shelving, the large compartment that doubles as a bench and step to climb into the queen size pillow top mattress that so spoils us from ever ground camping again.
4 days of just us, riding our horses through the herds of cattle, across the rolling green hills, along the tree lines. Finding places to stop, look, and listen to the beauty that surrounds us. Just us.
We are taking the camera. I'm hoping to find locations for some erotic outdoor shots. Beautiful nature shots. maybe even shots of us together. We don't have enough of those.
Sunshine is in the forecast. Warm weather, with open skies. Oh to lie out on a blanket, naked, letting the rays dance across our skin. Maybe find a creek or lake to cool off, splash and tease, to find that playfulness married couples sometimes forget they had.
And the nights. The sweet and sensuous nights of love making. That time for us to reconnect in our dreams. It's been too long.
I've am looking forward to each and every day.
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