Work has been the one constant in my life these past few months. I'm thankful to have a job as so many don't. I'm thankful my job keeps my mind engaged and my body moving. If it wasn't for this job, I could be sitting mindlessly at a desk job browsing the internet and looking for ways to cause trouble in peoples lives.
The one thing that is the most difficult about my job is the physical impact it has on my body. Yes, I am literally moving all day long. I don't have access to the internet tools I need from the auxillary warehouse and so I walk back and forth all day long, sometimes, just to communicate to my bosses who are not answering their phones. The pace is fast, almost at a run. There is always a schedule and there is no time for slow sauntering. The weights of the boxes I lift daily range from 25lbs to 75lbs and are anywhere from 12x12 to 50x50...it just depends on what the job is. The tendonitis in my elbows can be excruciating on certain days. I am in physical pain most of the day. I keep saying I don't want to be doing this when I'm 50. I better get my ass moving then.
This week, my boss is on vacation. Something he should have done long ago. This means the entire workload of daily fulfillment activities as well as the special projects are all on my plate. Stressful, yes, but it keeps my mind occupied so I don't have to think about the stupid shit that is playing out in my life. The problem is, I am just tired. The sunshine that hit our city yesterday was warm and inviting. I should have been out riding my horse after the 11 hour day. But I just couldn't risk the drive out, the chance of my eyes closing on the road.
465 packages ship out today. Another project immediately ships in and starts right afterwards. There are only 10 shipments, but it requires processing of about 1500 graphic pieces. There is a chance that 2 projects will arrive at the same time. If so, add another 340 shipments. One ships on Friday, the other on Monday. No telling if that means I have to work or set up work for the weekend. I never really know until the last minute.
There is a great amount of pride I take watching those shipments leave our warehouse. The size of the jobs, of the graphics, of the coordination are not anything near rocket science, but it requires an attention to detail, the ability to micromanage or not, and a mind that can move quickly from one task to another, multitasking at warp speed. But it always leaves on time if it's within my control.
2 pallets of sauces, ketchup, and mustards will ship today as well. Each case moved once to count and a second time to be palletized.
I am good at what I do. I am respected for my mind and what I can accomplish, who I am. My integrity is not questioned, nor my motives. I am trusted to make it all work, because the people I work with, even the clients who have never met me, know that the success of others, is the final goal, the priority of the company. There are pits as with any job. But they are nothing compared to the outside world.
Work is the safe place....
I'm looking forward to a bath. A long hot bath with bubbles that reach to the top of my head. The water from a sponge over my back. The lather against my skin.
I'm looking forward to hands across my body. The tensions of the week, mental and physical released as fingertips ripple across my skin.
I'm looking forward to closing my mind to the outside world. Relaxing and letting it happen.
I'm looking forward to being taken care of.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Life Energy
There is energy in everything.
From the smallest pebble on the bottom of the deepest depths of the ocean, to the crystal of ice at the top of the highest mountain.
Our bodies are energy. I vision it as a mass of glowing light. Bright, beaming, giving the gift of life. The ability to love. The strength to shine brighter and release itself to those that need more. The gift to re-energize.
I've always absorbed negative energy. I'm not sure if there is a name for it, but if I'm around people who are negative, sad, in despair, or disrepair. I absorb that negative and my own light tends to drain lower. If not careful, I forget to refill, refuel, plug in and recharge. Sleeping is a slow recharge for me. But that is how the low energy manifests itself. The best way for me to rebuild my positive energy is to be around those with a life energy that glows and radiates from their souls.
I have been away from a recharge for far too long. I realized that when the energy presented itself, and my energy began to rebuild itself. It was a short plug in. But it gave me enough of a jump start that I can limp along the highway, till I find a place to stop, rest, and plug in again.
This energy I've found. It's different than what I'm used to. It has a different level, a different strength. There is something about it that I can't explain. Kind of like eating hamburger and finally tasting a steak. It's still beef, but you know you have found a higher quality, and you want more.
I don't recharge myself from everyone. I consciously do not recharge off my husband, my children, or certain people in my life. Like a blood transfusion, not everyone has the same energy type. I do have a small select group of friends. We more or less throw energy into the air, and each of us takes what we need. At times, one of us may need more than another, but nobody cares who takes how much as long as we all walk away no less energized.
I need to be careful not to over use, or abuse this new found light. I felt bad for taking so much of it without even knowing. Did I return any??? It seems precious. Hard to find. Hidden for so long. But maybe I wasn't supposed to find it until now.
I'm turning a corner now, hold on tight, but it's an important part of this post.
There is a box. It is ornate. A gold clasp that keeps the lid tightly closed. When the box opens, there are things that float out. Small, mostly golden, shining, sparkling. Some have wings. It's a box of mystery. I want to step closer to it, look down inside of it, and if my suspicions are correct, there is more to the bottom of that box than I can see from this mere glance.
And when I closed my eyes, it was a wolf that I saw. The grey muzzle, the black nose. The eyes, I couldn't see, but I suspect they were dark. I'll look closer next time.
From the smallest pebble on the bottom of the deepest depths of the ocean, to the crystal of ice at the top of the highest mountain.
Our bodies are energy. I vision it as a mass of glowing light. Bright, beaming, giving the gift of life. The ability to love. The strength to shine brighter and release itself to those that need more. The gift to re-energize.
I've always absorbed negative energy. I'm not sure if there is a name for it, but if I'm around people who are negative, sad, in despair, or disrepair. I absorb that negative and my own light tends to drain lower. If not careful, I forget to refill, refuel, plug in and recharge. Sleeping is a slow recharge for me. But that is how the low energy manifests itself. The best way for me to rebuild my positive energy is to be around those with a life energy that glows and radiates from their souls.
I have been away from a recharge for far too long. I realized that when the energy presented itself, and my energy began to rebuild itself. It was a short plug in. But it gave me enough of a jump start that I can limp along the highway, till I find a place to stop, rest, and plug in again.
This energy I've found. It's different than what I'm used to. It has a different level, a different strength. There is something about it that I can't explain. Kind of like eating hamburger and finally tasting a steak. It's still beef, but you know you have found a higher quality, and you want more.
I don't recharge myself from everyone. I consciously do not recharge off my husband, my children, or certain people in my life. Like a blood transfusion, not everyone has the same energy type. I do have a small select group of friends. We more or less throw energy into the air, and each of us takes what we need. At times, one of us may need more than another, but nobody cares who takes how much as long as we all walk away no less energized.
I need to be careful not to over use, or abuse this new found light. I felt bad for taking so much of it without even knowing. Did I return any??? It seems precious. Hard to find. Hidden for so long. But maybe I wasn't supposed to find it until now.
I'm turning a corner now, hold on tight, but it's an important part of this post.
There is a box. It is ornate. A gold clasp that keeps the lid tightly closed. When the box opens, there are things that float out. Small, mostly golden, shining, sparkling. Some have wings. It's a box of mystery. I want to step closer to it, look down inside of it, and if my suspicions are correct, there is more to the bottom of that box than I can see from this mere glance.
And when I closed my eyes, it was a wolf that I saw. The grey muzzle, the black nose. The eyes, I couldn't see, but I suspect they were dark. I'll look closer next time.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Giving A Rip
Gliding along and not caring seems to be working for me.
I'm laughing still. I'm on the angry side of annoyed.
Was hoping to skip that part.
Annoyed at the situation.
Annoyed at the actions of others.
Annoyed that I believed and trusted.
Annoyed at myself for opening up.
That was my fault. Believing, trusting.
Won't happen that easily ever again.
I'm venturing out. Bringing my rope out.
Opportunities are there.
A new group of friends, playmates, fuckbuddies, and maybe one special someone.
Work, Dance, Volunteer, Fuck...whatever it takes.
If it makes it feel better to say I'm "over it" or "in a better place", then by all means, fill in the blank to your own desires.
I'm where I am. That's not someplace you want to visit with me.
The sad part is.
It could have been so different.
Even worse, I really don't give a Fuck!
I'm laughing still. I'm on the angry side of annoyed.
Was hoping to skip that part.
Annoyed at the situation.
Annoyed at the actions of others.
Annoyed that I believed and trusted.
Annoyed at myself for opening up.
That was my fault. Believing, trusting.
Won't happen that easily ever again.
I'm venturing out. Bringing my rope out.
Opportunities are there.
A new group of friends, playmates, fuckbuddies, and maybe one special someone.
Work, Dance, Volunteer, Fuck...whatever it takes.
If it makes it feel better to say I'm "over it" or "in a better place", then by all means, fill in the blank to your own desires.
I'm where I am. That's not someplace you want to visit with me.
The sad part is.
It could have been so different.
Even worse, I really don't give a Fuck!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Laughing Out Loud
I have to laugh.
It's part of who I am.
It's one of the things I have missed about myself.
I let that go, shame on me.
Laughing is something that brings out the best in me.
Pissed off, annoyed, crying, heartbreak, dealing with Ms. Drama Extraordinaire...
Those things are all nothing I want part of.
But laughing, that just puts it all into perspective.
So I find new humor in my current situation.
Humor in the actions of others.
Humor in how to deal with those actions.
Part of the humor, is just to not react.
I spent most of yesterday laughing, litteraly laughing.
It felt awesome!
Posts that made me realize I can turn anything into humor.
People who can laugh with me are there.
Even though they know nothing.
But yet, they know everything.
Thank you to that community.
But the material I have is short lived.
The drama will cease soon.
That is just writing on the wall.
So I will get as much humor as I can out of this situation.
And continue to laugh out loud.
It's part of who I am.
It's one of the things I have missed about myself.
I let that go, shame on me.
Laughing is something that brings out the best in me.
Pissed off, annoyed, crying, heartbreak, dealing with Ms. Drama Extraordinaire...
Those things are all nothing I want part of.
But laughing, that just puts it all into perspective.
So I find new humor in my current situation.
Humor in the actions of others.
Humor in how to deal with those actions.
Part of the humor, is just to not react.
I spent most of yesterday laughing, litteraly laughing.
It felt awesome!
Posts that made me realize I can turn anything into humor.
People who can laugh with me are there.
Even though they know nothing.
But yet, they know everything.
Thank you to that community.
But the material I have is short lived.
The drama will cease soon.
That is just writing on the wall.
So I will get as much humor as I can out of this situation.
And continue to laugh out loud.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Saying I'm Sorry
It was almost a year ago.
The party that started it all.
She was upset about something.
But I didn't know what it was.
The permissions were granted.
I followed the stated.
I didn't know at that time.
It was the unstated that was overstepped.
I now understand.
And I am so sorry I was part of her pain.
I am so sorry I didn't see it.
I am so sorry I didn't understand it.
If she had tried to explain it.
Would we even have listened?
I like to think I would have.
But now I don't know.
Maybe, just maybe.
It took living through the pain for me to realize.
I will be more careful next time.
To watch and listen more closely.
Words say only what we want to hear.
Actions speak the truth, show the intent.
She deserved better.
I should have known better.
And so I want to say...
I am so sorry.
The party that started it all.
She was upset about something.
But I didn't know what it was.
The permissions were granted.
I followed the stated.
I didn't know at that time.
It was the unstated that was overstepped.
I now understand.
And I am so sorry I was part of her pain.
I am so sorry I didn't see it.
I am so sorry I didn't understand it.
If she had tried to explain it.
Would we even have listened?
I like to think I would have.
But now I don't know.
Maybe, just maybe.
It took living through the pain for me to realize.
I will be more careful next time.
To watch and listen more closely.
Words say only what we want to hear.
Actions speak the truth, show the intent.
She deserved better.
I should have known better.
And so I want to say...
I am so sorry.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Date Night
Last night was Date Night.
This is a night we set up to just spend only us time together.
Go to dinner at a special place. Sit close and talk intimately.
We looked deeply into each others eyes, knowing our love is just building stronger.
Does that seem possible?
After dinner, we came home, walked directly into the bedroom, and shut the door.
The rest of night, we touched the naked skin of the other, gasps, moans, the sounds of our bodies joined together and moving in rythmatic waves.
Falling asleep exhausted and sweaty in each others arms.
This was a night we were supposed to plan every month.
It had fallen off the charts.
We lost track of what was important. Truly important.
We went along with our "wants" and lost track of the " need" to make each other the top priority.
Over and above the wants and desires of others.
Our children really, are the only ones who "need" anything from us.
Everyone else, will learn their place.
To sit patiently, silently, and wait until we are done.
Every marriage, every relationship has it's ups and downs.
Ours has been like a roller coaster these past few months.
Yes, I know the exact date and what took place when the roller coaster started moving.
The reasons are for those very different than the fantasies created.
But none of that matters right now.
All I know is that something clicked last week.
Something made him notice what was happening to us.
Whatever it was, he began to take steps to repair the black hole that was created.
We are repairing it together.
Our next Date Night is already scheduled.
The priorities are clear.
The priority is US.
This is a night we set up to just spend only us time together.
Go to dinner at a special place. Sit close and talk intimately.
We looked deeply into each others eyes, knowing our love is just building stronger.
Does that seem possible?
After dinner, we came home, walked directly into the bedroom, and shut the door.
The rest of night, we touched the naked skin of the other, gasps, moans, the sounds of our bodies joined together and moving in rythmatic waves.
Falling asleep exhausted and sweaty in each others arms.
This was a night we were supposed to plan every month.
It had fallen off the charts.
We lost track of what was important. Truly important.
We went along with our "wants" and lost track of the " need" to make each other the top priority.
Over and above the wants and desires of others.
Our children really, are the only ones who "need" anything from us.
Everyone else, will learn their place.
To sit patiently, silently, and wait until we are done.
Every marriage, every relationship has it's ups and downs.
Ours has been like a roller coaster these past few months.
Yes, I know the exact date and what took place when the roller coaster started moving.
The reasons are for those very different than the fantasies created.
But none of that matters right now.
All I know is that something clicked last week.
Something made him notice what was happening to us.
Whatever it was, he began to take steps to repair the black hole that was created.
We are repairing it together.
Our next Date Night is already scheduled.
The priorities are clear.
The priority is US.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Open Arms
A few lucky people have a song.
For us, that special song, our special song is "Open Arms" by Journey.
The song we listened to as high school sweethearts.
The song we played as I walked down the aisle.
The song, the music, the lyrics that well outlines the journey we have taken to get to where we are, at any point in our lives together.
As our lives change, as our hearts break and repair, people come in and fade out, some negative, some positive, choices and assumptions... the words of the song continue to hold true to us, our love, and our eternal existence in this life, those lives that were previous, and those lives still to come. "We sailed on together, we drifted apart, and here you are by my side"...
Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine.
Softly you whisper, your're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side
So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms
Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home
But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay.
For us, that special song, our special song is "Open Arms" by Journey.
The song we listened to as high school sweethearts.
The song we played as I walked down the aisle.
The song, the music, the lyrics that well outlines the journey we have taken to get to where we are, at any point in our lives together.
As our lives change, as our hearts break and repair, people come in and fade out, some negative, some positive, choices and assumptions... the words of the song continue to hold true to us, our love, and our eternal existence in this life, those lives that were previous, and those lives still to come. "We sailed on together, we drifted apart, and here you are by my side"...
Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine.
Softly you whisper, your're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side
So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms
Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home
But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay.
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