Behind the Rocks

I work at being whole.  I work hard at it.  I try so hard to maintain control of my thoughts, my feelings, my actions.  I have always taken the responsibility for who I am and what I become.   The decisions I make are of my own doing.  I do however, make decisions based on the fact that I am empathetic to others.  I feel the pain they feel, either physical or mental.  I sense more than most others, and I have been learning to read and acknowledge what I have always known I had the ability to do.  That is how I know.  I am no angel, if you piss me off, I will use those emotions against you.

As my life choices wrap around themselves, I'm finding more and more the need to connect and embrace what I know I can do.  The flows of energy have been chaotic at the least.  I'm presenting newer vibrant energies into my life, but I am cautious about how much of the energy I use and absorb, circulate.  At the same time, my own energy field is changing and I welcome that change and hope that it will help the chaos effect that currently exists.

In working on that field, I saw something.  A lake, a tranquil lake with glass like qualities.  Clear, perfect, calm, smooth.  Next to the lake, were boulders, large, round rocks, no sharp corners, no edges, perfectly complementing the shape and the surface of the beautiful lake in front of me.  A I looked at the lake, I felt calm, knowing what I know, it didn't bother me, there were no negative feelings in my heart, no negative thoughts in my head, other than tranquility and happiness, my mind was silent.

Then, without warning, something stepped out from behind a rock.  It was dark, walked on 2 legs, it had scales, it had a hard surface, huge bulging eyes, and it was ugly.  It presented itself as "soul mate".  Knowing that the word had not crossed my mind for either of them, I suddenly understood what was happening, and acknowledged it was there.  Then I banished the monster that had come out from behind the rock, and "poof", it was gone.

During the night, more creatures crept, or at least tried to creep from behind the rocks.  Each was met with a yellow banner and dismissed.  Now that I recognize them, I can rule the creatures, not have them rule me.

On that same note, I have given myself permission to flex the "primary muscle".  I know, that sounds strange, but what has been pointed out to me is that I have been so intent on making others happy and giving them what they want and what I perceive they need, that I have neglected what actually makes me happy and I need to focus on that more.

For example...in a situation at a common vanilla setting with our horses, we share time with with his submissive.  During that time, a few things took place which, normally, I deal with and then get to share my frustrations with him.  In these circumstances, because my frustration is with someone close to him, I didn't feel like I could tell him what was bothering me without giving him the feeling I was being petty and just didn't like it because it was her.  Not the case (in most of the situations).


People who feel the need to interject:  This annoys the hell out of me.  I was asked to assist by collecting dues and paperwork.  This includes answering questions and introductions as much as possible.  Pretty much, making them feel welcomed.  I've done this before, and I'm good at it.  I'm personable, I smile, and I genuinely am an inviting person.  As I'm collecting funds from one individual, she asked what the funds covered in specifics and how much she could participate.  As I opened my mouth to answer, the submissive sitting on the other side of my horse chimes in over me and starts to answer.  Because I do not wish to embarrass people, I simply closed my mouth and let her explain what she wanted and when she was done, I continued on with the rest of the information.  This would annoy me with ANYONE.  But in the past, I have gotten to share this with my husband and he would acknowledge my frustration, we would laugh and it would be over.  This has stuck with me until now because, well, how can I share that with him with out him getting defensive.


Another frustration.....I am very conscious of my husbands horse business.  I am so proud of him and how wonderful and talented he is with horses.  I'm envious at times.  When he is training, giving lessons, or working his horse, I leave him alone, I don't interrupt him unless I absolutely have to, I respect the professionalism he shows to his clients and the time they are paying him for, as well as his own time invested in his horse.  So when it came to the question "what time is it"...I asked a couple of people sitting near me, and they didn't have watches or cell phones.  The submissive (who should have been paying more attention to the cows she was chasing rather than what I was doing), thought we should ask my husband.  I smiled and said, no, thats ok, and moved on to some people standing to the side and watching the sorting.  I did not want to ask my husband as he was out in the far part of the arena working on his horse.  He gets to have that time.  I respect that.  I let him have his time.  As I rode over to ask the time, I hear the submissive yell across the arena "HEY (insert husbands name here), WHAT TIME IS IT?"...I was annoyed and she was on my last nerve...I had told her no and still, she felt the need to make herself known familiar to him as well as override me.....had it been anyone else, I probably would not have cared, but then again, anyone else would have not gone ahead with the call had I told them not to.

Then there was what I refer to as the "cock block"...this is where the submissive rides up so close to my husband and sits so close, that I cannot get my rightful place near him.  Intentional or unintentional, this will not be allowed again.  I will make my presence known, I will put myself in my rightful place next to my husband, and I will start asserting myself as his Primary partner, no matter who it makes feel uncomfortable.

Close to the Final Farewell

The weeks have turned into months.  The pain is more excruciating than I could have possibly imagined.  I never thought I would ever find myself in the position I am in.  But I did make a choice.  I did make a choice to enter into something that had risk.  This is why I don't gamble.  I suck at it.

Just now, starting new things, trying to fix was has been broken for so long, and every corner, seems to bring around another near head on collision.  I can't say what I feel any longer.....actually, I can say what I feel, but it just causes more defenses...  I can't write what I feel...this too, is incorrect, I can write, but then it's upsetting and again, more defenses.  Limitations are all around me.  Don't hurt those that present themselves as weak.  Because obviously, I need no protection.  Nothing hurts me.  I am made of stone.  Of steel.  I have no heart that breaks... Yea, me, it really doesn't feel like it matters at all.  When it should.  And other times, It feels like I'm the only one who matters.  But that's only when I say it.

So the serious consideration to say goodbye to the choice.  Give up what I want in order to salvage what might possibly still exist.  That means everything.  The Fetlife, the phone sex, the play partners.  Go back to the monogomous vanilla life where you exist daily and bury what is within you.  At least then, I will know what is around the corner.....

How did I reach this turning point?  A simple, beautiful sunset.  Something so magical, so fulfilling, and yet, within seconds, after watching the glorious energy leave my sight, life turned a corner, and what happened next... that cannot be undone.

My Friday

Today is Wednesday for some, but Friday for me.  Why so early?  Because I want to rest and prepare for the wonderful weekend ahead.  So I am taking Thursday off.

It's the 4th of July weekend.  A time to celebrate our Independence.  A time to remember why we are free to do what we do and say what we think.  As our children are grown and away at college, we do not purchase mass quantities of fireworks any longer.  In past years, we have grown to celebrate the 4th by attending the St. Paul Rodeo, and watching a spectacular fireworks show afterwards.  The one song that will always make me cry.  Our National Anthem.

This 4th of July, we are breaking tradition.  On Friday, we are heading back to CornCob Ranch.  We have been working on the details of our living quarters in our horse trailer since Memorial Day.  Our Sanctuary we call it.  The water tank has been installed, the shelving, the large compartment that doubles as a bench and step to climb into the queen size pillow top mattress that so spoils us from ever ground camping again.

4 days of just us, riding our horses through the herds of cattle, across the rolling green hills, along the tree lines.  Finding places to stop, look, and listen to the beauty that surrounds us.  Just us.

We are taking the camera.  I'm hoping to find locations for some erotic outdoor shots.  Beautiful nature shots.  maybe even shots of us together.  We don't have enough of those.

Sunshine is in the forecast.  Warm weather, with open skies.  Oh to lie out on a blanket, naked, letting the rays dance across our skin.  Maybe find a creek or lake to cool off, splash and tease, to find that playfulness married couples sometimes forget they had.

And the nights.  The sweet and sensuous nights of love making.  That time for us to reconnect in our dreams.  It's been too long.

I've am looking forward to each and every day.

Floating On The Extreme Right Wing Of Caution

I'm stepping out onto the ledge of life once again.  All the experiences that lie ahead.  Passion, Tranquility, Spirituality, and Drama (God please no more drama).   It all awaits me.

What I cannot undo is the memories of the past few months.  Those memories, those feelings and realities, all are playing a role in how I address prospective relationships as well as current ones.

In the beginning of my swinging, when I used to focus mainly on couples, I had a specific rules of how I engaged in play. No matter what, the primary (wife) was always put in a position where she knew who I was and what I was about.  I was always very careful in that role as the 3rd person.  I knew I was the one invited in.  I was an outsider.  I was expendable.  I knew it, and I accepted it.  It is how it is done.  It is the right way to do it.

Sure, there were offers made.  But what I always made sure of, through my actions more than words, was that I was devoted to being a positive addition to their union or I was not going to be there at all.  I paid attention to the signs.  If I had the slightest idea that there was any problem, whether it be them or me, I would back off or drop completely out!  I did so on more than 1 occasion.  There was something not right for them.  I saw it and took enough responsibility to remove myself from the situation.  And so I thought, others would do the same.

The hard lesson learned..  Not everyone thinks on the same level of common sense and respect that I do.  I'm not saying I don't make mistakes, but I usually don't keep making the same mistakes.  I mean, how often can a "mistake" actually happen before it is recognized as a purposeful action.  A Pattern.

So now, as I step out and look down into this huge cavern of darkness, I have that knowledge, I'm watching closer at my own actions.  Probably reading more into a situation than I should, being more weary of what my attentions might cause, how they are interpreted.

I'm cautious.  I'm overly cautious.  I'm obsessively overly cautious.

I'm engaging at the moment, an idea, a prospect for further attention.  But am I on the edge of caution so far that I will be too cautious, give the feeling I am not interested or ambiguous to extending it further?  It weighs heavy on my mind.  Giving what is needed or desired, but holding back too much in order to keep from putting anyone else through what I have experienced.

I do know, if nothing else, I can do the right thing.

The Sanctuary

It's a place where we go to get away from it all.

A special place where he and I collaborate on something that is special to just us.  Where should this go, how should that work, what will this look like.

We have spent a lot of time there this summer already.  Preparing for upcoming journeys into the mountains or down to the beach.  Short excursions to events or trail rides.

When we are alone together, inside, the sound of rain is soothing.  The warmth of our bodies snuggled up under the fleece blankets and over abundance of pillows decorated in equestrian prints.  We are affectionate in this place.  We laugh.  We listen.  We love.

We share just about everything in our lives with others right now.

We share our time with others.
We share our bed with others.
We share our bodies with others.
We share our hearts with others.

This one place, I need to be ours.  Only ours.

It is our Sanctuary.

A Perfect First View

Her instructions to him.....

 

Tomorrow is going to be very special.  For both of us.  You are giving me a precious gift by selecting me out of all the women out there to play with.  I am honored and I want to make sure the experience is one you will remember with fondness and smile.

 

 A room has already been reserved. 

 

Please bring the following items with you.

1.  scented or unscented candles.  Small ones are fine.  Bring something to light them with.

2.  water.  we will be thirsty I am sure. 

3.  fruit.  A small amount of grapes or a couple of oranges.  A sugar.

4.  you will go to one of the bath shops at the local mall and purchase a bubble bath.  You choose the scent.

5.  you will also select a sponge or gloves which you will use to wash me with.

 

Arrive at the hotel at 4:00pm.

Text me when you arrive.

A key will be at the front desk waiting for you.

Ask the clerk for 4 additional towels.

Text me when you get into the room.

 

I should leave work by 5:00, but it could be later.

I may go home and get ready or I may come straight from work.

I will text you when I'm on my way, so be ready for me.

Depending upon the weather, there is a fireplace in the room and it should be on when I arrive.

The fruit will be nicely displayed on a plate on the bedside table.

2 waters will be next to the jacuzzi.  The other waters will be in the fridge.

The candles should be lit, the lights should be off, the curtains should be closed.

My bath will already be drawn and the bubbles will be fresh.  The gloves or sponge will be at the side of the tub, the towels close by.

 

I will text you when I arrive.  At that time, you will undress and sit on the side of the bed facing the window.  Your back to the door.

 

Your eyes will be closed and your hands in your lap when I walk in.  Do not look open your eyes, or attempt to look at me until i tell you to.

 

I will give you further instructions as to how you please me at that time.

 

If any of this is not clear then you need to communicate that to me prior to 4pm...

She slid the pass key into the door, listening for the click of the lock.  Entering the dark room, the scent of lavender filled the air.  She could see the fireplace flickering in the corner, the candles that had been placed upon the side of the jacuzzi.

She quietly shut the door behind her.  There was silence in the room.  She walked past the tub, noticing the soft white bubbles that lay across the top of the warm bath water, already drawn for her.  He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head down, his naked back illuminated against the candlelight, his black cowboy hat rested on his head, and his hands were folded in his lap.  He remained silent.

The clothing began to fall from her body.  She wanted him to hear every sound, so she made a point of slow methodical movements. The unbuckling of her belt, the sound of a zipper, each article of clothing making a sound as it hit the floor.  And she stood naked.  Listening.  She could feel his heart pound from across the room.

She looked around, noticing how perfect the room looked.  A tray of plump green grapes, two large round oranges, a perfectly shaped banana, and her favorite... giant sized strawberries, deep red, ripe, and juicy.  2 waters sat upon the side of the tub.  Something small tied in a ribbon was there.  She was proud of him.  He had done well.

She whispered to him to sit still and stay silent.  She told him how perfect the room looked, and how proud she was of the tasks he had accomplished.

He could feel her on the mattress now.  Her naked body climbing across the king size bed, approaching him from the back.  She leaned down, and inhaled his scent.  He gasped as her nose, ever so slightly brushed across his skin.  She did it again, and a gasp combined with a moan escaped his lips.  She could keep from touching him no longer.  Reaching up with one hand, her nails extended to his shoulder, and she gently ran them over his body, listening to his sounds.  She smiled to hear them and teased a while longer.

"Stay where you are until you are called for" she whispered into his ear.  Retreating back, she climbed from the bed and turned to climb into the warm, inviting bath.  She knew he was listening closely, and could hear the sound of the water as she lowered herself, moaning as the heated liquid relaxed and destressed her muscles.  Did he wonder, what the sound was as she lowered her head back and sank in, then rising, her hair now soaked, dark, and pushed back away from her face.

She knew he would be self conscious.  She leaned back under the bubbles, closed her eyes, and called for him.

"You may open your eyes now, and come to me". 

She could hear the sound of him immediately moving from the bed.  His footsteps as he approached her in the tub.  This was his first view of her, in the state he could only fantasize about.  He loved the way she looked.  Leaning back in the tub.  He couldn't believe it was him.

"Climb in the tub with me" she commanded, her eyes still closed, a smile on her face.  She pointed made a space for him next to her, across the tub, and he immediately entered the water, while commenting on her beauty.

She opened her eyes, and the saw each other for the first time in this way.  It was a perfect first view.

His hands felt strong and wonderful as he moved the suds and hot water across her skin.  The gift wrapped bundle on the side of the tub was a set of purple bathing gloves.  He put them on, and began to run them over her body, making her skin gleam against the warm glow of the room.  The bathing went on, the sensations growing.

The hot water took it's toll.  She began to feel light headed and asked him to remove her from the tub.  He grabbed one of the extra towels he had gotten from the clerk earlier, and began to remove the water droplets from her skin.  He helped her step from the tub, and dried some more.  She turned for him.  Holding her wet hair up in her hands, she left her entire body exposed for him to view.  She knew he longed for this.  She loved teasing him.  Building his desire for her.

The bed was soft as she laid face down across the comforter.  He moved next to her and began to rub her body.

"May I massage you?" he asked.

"Yes, you may" she granted, and smiled.

He stood, as she watched his naked body.  He looked great.  Strong in all the right places.  He moved to the table and opened a tall bottle of liquid.  Massage oil.  He had made a quick trip to the pharmacy earlier, but she didn't ask why.  Now it was clear.  The oil smelled wonderfully sexy.  It felt even better.   He moved his hands masterfully for the next hour or so.  The tensions, the stress, the knots of life leaving her body.  She smiled and enjoyed every second of pampering.

The massage ended with their bodies intertwined.  His mouth on her skin.  She pushed his lips down onto one erect nipple, as she placed his hand on the other.  He bit at first, but obeyed deliciously as she commanded him in the right pressures to please her.

She guided his hands to her pussy, giving him permissions to only touch the outside, pressure to her clit.  He moaned feeling how wet and swollen she had become.  He was to get to know her body.  The feeling of each mountain and valley.  Diving into sex would not have done that.  This was time for him to explore and learn from her.  He listened carefully.  He followed instructions wonderfully.

He was allowed to slide his fingers inside of her. Two at first, then three.  He was instructed to bring the moistened fingertips to his lips, and he gladly suckled the juices from them.  His eyes never leaving hers.  She was so close to cumming.  She was so close to fucking him.  She decided it was time to return to the tub.  And they did.

The water had cooled a bit, an even warm that allowed a longer stay, time enough for him to touch her often and how she liked.  Time for her to discover the wonderful secret of his sensitive nipples.  Time for their skin to pucker and prune.  But all well worth it.

Her orgasm was strong that night.  In the tub, riding on top of him.  One nipple in his mouth, his fingertips rolling the other.  She moaned and called out loudly as he brought her there.  She smiled and purred as he brought her down.  He listened carefully, he instantly reacted to every instruction she gave.  He wanted to please her.

And he did.

It's like this....

The day is moving slower, calmer.  Some assemblence of peace seems to be nearing.
I ask myself, since I am aware others read my blog, should I change the way I write?  To protect them from what my true feelings are?  To protect them from themselves?

The answer at this time is no, I don't think so.
I am happy that what I have to say is important.  That it makes a difference.  That I am making an impact where maybe my words were not being listened to before.  If your making the journey to check out my blog, then it is you who needs to take the responsibility for what you read.  For some, I am overjoyed that they finally visit.  I feel important.  I feel loved.

In past situations, I have taken the responsibility and acknowledged what I could control.  I stopped visiting the blogs that made me feel awkward.  I removed the feeds and status accounts from my sight.  I did not speak of or attempt to solicit information about the individuals.  So yes, I know it can be done.

I "out" no one on my blog.  I do not do a "he said" "she said" scenerio because that will only cause problems for the parties involved.

What I do, however, is tell my version of how I am feeling.  How the actions (or in actions in some cases) of others affect my life, my well being, my energy, my family.


My first attempts to communicate are always face to face, in person.  But when the door is shut in my face, when the manipulation turns on, I will retreat, I will reinforce the protective armour, and I will fight if you back me into a corner.

I don't fight with manipulation.  I never have.  I don't twist things around to be what I want them to be for the sole purpose of what I want to have my way.  I will however, call you on your bullshit.  I will tell you exactly how it is and where you stand.  I have done so from the beginning.  I will continue to do so till the end.

And so I will continue to write, and hope.....